Friday, March 17, 2017

Here I am

A nightclub where I performed, nearly midnight. She finished work and came to get me after my stint promoting a bikini competition and being the emcee. She arrived a little late and sat with her friends. I spoke to her all night. Upstairs between segments I was surrounded by fake tanned, plastic and superficial girls. All of them were taking to me like I was a modelling agent, I was merely a pawn like them. At half time she came to me and said "these chicks keep talking about you and I told them you're my man!" I was never happier.

We overcame the barrier of a title.

She hiccuped the sweetest set of words that could melt an iceberg. I was changed in a moment. The girl I had lost and found again, the "one" was back in my life and now she asked for entry to the wall I had put up. I was a willing candidate and a happy participant in what I felt and knew was true and unquestionable love. She was my all and I would not let anything mess it up again, especially the biggest problem of all, me and my jealousy. Anxiety is a big demon that likes to sit on my shoulder and battle the angels. The demon is very strong.

The Demon was there. The night she left me I remember one thing. I went to an empty room in my house, placed a full bottle of brown liquid next to my side and listened to Damien Rice, Jeff Buckley and the Deftones on a loop. I don't think I've ever cried so much. It was a memorable nothing, that meant everything.

I forgot how to love. It all died with her. The romantic, the songwriter and the poet all died in one session. Prior to this trainwreck that was I, when my eyes closed I painted music videos, songs and pictures of a happy ever after. When my eyes close now it is often forced by the bottle and I am taken to the darkness. My demon waits there for me. He is cruel.

I am no angel, I will never claim to be. I was hopelessly in love with the girl of my dreams and she was hard at work trying to forget me.

Reflections are interesting. I am in the best place I've ever been in my life, but what I felt that night where all my inhibitions were left at the door and I was a hopeless lover is now a distant memory and an unreal fallacy. I messed a lot up. Lots. My mistakes didn't make me who I am. My mistakes are my scars to bare and I visit them every day. They find me with a movie, a show, a segment or a song. Some may be adamant that I am a bad person. I don't think I am, because the guilt in me is real and the regret is monumental. I guess I was stupid. I don't really have an excuse. I've been accused of cheating and lying but I just laid back and took it.

No matter what we experienced we always found our way back to one another. I know that the notion of that is deceased. As that is wrapped up in a bag somewhere along with it my soul-it is tossed in an ocean to forever be forgotten and love depart with it.
I am happy in my life. My heart though, is hollow.