Thursday, December 26, 2013

This is not my life

Open your eyes my beautiful love.
Look within.
Are you satisfied with the life you're living?

My ideal present at Christmas was always togetherness. Family time and collective moments with the significant other. This year, the best gift I received was spending most of Christmas and Boxing Day laying on the floor in the middle of my classroom. So many thoughts running through my head. My Christmas morning started with visiting my beautiful Grandmother at the cemetery. That feeling was followed by seeing a young man get hit by a car. That set the tone for where my heart took me on Christmas.

Her eyes spoke in volumes. I could tell whatever was on her mind just by looking into them. Now my only means of communication is by seeing if she is okay through google. Call it stalking, but my heart was entirely hers. She  may have disowned it, but it still seeks her. As I see the pictures of her and her man holding a glass of wine, I clench a bottle and drink away my sorrow.

I've always been a proud, cocky and  stubborn man. People were not  allowed to witness me in pain or hear me apologise. How times change. My heart is clearly on my sleeve now. The boy has died.

I look back to all the mess I created. I deserve to be here. The place I'm current  in is surrounded by constant denial, alcohol and regret. I miss her sweet sound, her faith and belief.. I wish I could change so much, but all I can do is think back to the happiness we shared and feel happy for just those moments. I re-read the letter that concluded this adventure and I visit that day in my head. I ask why, but know it doesn't matter to any other soul in the world.

Why the Christmas note? Well, I need To make you realise that Karma found me. I don't want any sympathy nor do I want anyone to even read this, I just hope that happiness exists without me. Each day is misery, the music was killed and I can't even remember who I was..my own mother said she doesn't remember the last time she heard me laugh or saw me smile. I have forgotten those basic human functions. The autopilot is switched on. He takes me where I need to go until the next drop.
Some say that A change needs to occur, but I'm too weak. I don't deserve a change.

I'm sorry, I love you and I miss you. You hear those words and let them change you, it's when you wake up and realise they were a dream that they destroy you and your core.