Holden said it perfectly. It's not who you love but how. Stuck in misery, you often take those few moments at night when you lay in bed and you forget all the dismay sharing sheets with you. You linger behind closed eyes and wonder what if and why. I was asked today by a six year old student if I could change 3 things about my life what would it be. Never has a child inspired such deep thinking with such a basic question. I didn't answer him straight away, instead I thought about it while I asked him to share with me his 3 wishes. As expected his wishes were about iPads or pods and new shoes.
He then reiterated the question as if as though a greater force was controlling him.
I said 3 of the most honest things. I told him I would return to 3 moments that changed my life forever, the moment I took for granted, the moment I lost her and the moment I died. He said I was silly because I was still alive, and although he was right, it made me realise the darkness in me has created an amazing mask. It can't be seen. The me that died has completely vanished and a fake, lively version has filled the hole.
The moments I see when I close my eyes make me wish to keep them shit for eternity. The life I'm in is that of a prisoner, but with no yard time. I am looking back wondering where the wheels came off and all I can see is a friendly laugh infectious and rare.