Monday, September 17, 2012

The disaster

The letter that I've tried to write before,
Won't let me escape the life I see as a chore.
I try to end it but I'm far too weak to leave some behind,
Await for the moment I loose control over my mind.

I know what this world has in store,
To take my life an offer me as lonely and a fucking bore.
I've been programmed by those believing in harmony, children and wedding rings,
But the reality is I fear the chaos and my life is a disaster that stings.

I saw the door to walk away from this purposeless life,
Didn't touch the blade, the sword or the knife.
Deaths songs is killing me slowly with darkness and bad luck,
I crumble in every lone moment I get screaming what the fuck!

Children with disease, people with cancer,
I cry about my life and seek an answer.
Why is this life a disaster and how did I fuck it all and let it sink?
My job description is wear a mask and consume my each and every drink.

I'll wait for the end, as mine won't be a happy one.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Slow Motion

Sometimes things in life feel like a movie. For me I've had a couple of nice Hollywood moments, but the majority feel like the heartbreaking scenes from Nicholas Spark novel to film adaptations. You know these moments from the clear physical changes you succumb to when it happens. Heart rate increase, nausea, loss of breath and the inevitable world disappearing.  Be it good or bad, the world leaves you for a bit and you feel alone. This could be in a good way, when a person comes along that just takes you into the depths of your heart that you never thought existed. There is also the inevitable gut wrenching painful world stoppage. These ones are shocking. The world disappears in a way that makes you realise that people really don't give a fuck about your feelings or in reality what shit the world is dishing at you.

There have been many moments in my 28 years that have gone through my slow motion filter. I vividly remember when I had my first kiss with Laura, my first love. It was a moment that belongs in a box to show my grandchildren one day, if I ever had any that is.  I remember the moment I read a cowardly email from my ex that broke me into a million. We remember these moments, as they define who we are and how we have changed because of them.

I recently got one of those moments at my job. It was a girl that came as an intern. She moved my world. The slow motion vision of her was beautiful.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Lie2k

I am not alright. I haven't been for a while now. Evidently a demon inside me is holding me back from many things.
For a long time the real me has been hidden. The reason is simple. My first relationship was the result of a 2 year chase. I craved this girl for two whole years and I was too scared to say or do anything, tell her how I truly felt and I lost her. It was a common trend in my life: holding back, loss and then regret. I pushed the wall down recently and got the exact same outcome. I've listened to the lies those around her tell about me. I don't understand why they would.
A hurtful person from my past creating stories because she didn't get me all to her self. A spiteful creature she manifested so many false identities of mine and spread the rumors successfully to the point where I don't even know why anyone would even believe all that of me. I guess the real people will find the real me and those that believe the lies deserve to, as they themselves will be living a lie and surrounded by damaged souls creating stories.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The lie

With the pain of what I did inside me I knew I had to face her and tell her the truth, this was something I knew would instantly change the tone. My situation wasn't like hers, I kissed someone as revenge for what she did. I was hoping I'd fall deep for this, the pain was surfacing and I needed to know why this was all happening! The "dream couple" was falling apart at the seams. I stopped and looked at her the next day when my friend and I visited her t work after university. She looked stunning, no make up and just naturally breathtaking. I needed to tell her, but those six words returned and I just lied. I thought living a lie, like her would fix this madness. I bit my tongue and accepted the fact. I fucked up and she has too, but losing her wasn't worth it. Denial began.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Six Words halved. She Said Yes.

The dream came. It visited me a month ago. 
A month ago a soul taker visited me and warned me that I would be repeating my six words. 
Today I did. Those six words
Today I type without my glasses as they keep fogging. The reality is simple, everyone will feed the same bullshit. For everything a reason. For every ending a new beginning. And so they will say there will be a good reason. 

Tonight I saw the light leave me and now this hollow person will resume the life. Goodbye kid, I'll miss you..thanks for the dreams. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Six words.





Life is made up of some happy moments and some sad ones. Neither can one have a life that has only joyous moments, nor is it possible for you to have only grief in your life. Just like two sides of a coin, life also presents us with two sentiments - happiness and sorrow. It is how much are we able to revel in happiness and how quickly we get over the sorrow that decides how we live the moments in our life. While some people suffer from distress silently, I once decided to pen it down in words, thus trying to ease the pain a little.
I stopped almost a year ago, someone had told me this blog was inappropriate. However, during an email cleanup yesterday, I read an email from 6 months ago which at the time I thought was spam. It was a person asking me to continue my story. My pain was their door of escape. A way to see love through the eyes of another. Love lost. 

I need to finish this story, I need to tell it for the story it is. A story that changed me and made me who I am. I could define myself as a dreamer, a person blessed with a curse. The guy with so many opportunities. The guy who was flying high and crashed so low. I never want sympathy, I just want someone, anyone to read my story. No one will listen to my songs, my cries fall on deaf ears and my verbal confessions are Tasmanian tigers in a forest of my truths. 

When the opportunity came to go out in Sydney with a few friends to what was known as the hottest nightclub, I didn't blink. I got my darkest outfit on, did my hair and got a collection of CD's for the 2 hour drive. We met up with a few friends, one was a girl who she always didn't like. This girl was on a TV show called 'next top model'. We both knew she was attracted to me, but I wasn't going to do anything, so she thought. In her eyes, I didn't know what was going on with her and her ex boyfriend. In my heart I was hurting, so I let the angst, the fever, the red light take the floor. It brought out a very messy version of myself. I pushed the limits with everything that night. I was acting like a pretentious arsehole. Too cool for anyone, flaunting my achievements and my bravado. This was not the person I knew existed. 

At one stage amongst this mess, something happened. This is the first time I've admitted this or spoken about it. It will probably be the last considering no one will probably read this. 

I ran to the toilets. I slammed the cubicle door shut and I reminded myself how I define myself. I was at University studying hard to become a Primary School teacher. I had finally gotten back the girl I fell in love with at a young age. She was cheating on me, but should I fight for her? I wasn't supporting her dreams, her change of tone, her reasons to grow, her goals, her career her fucking life! The bruise was showing better. My face was moist with tears, It was uncontrollable. I reached for my phone and messaged her that I missed her, she was at work and wrote back that she was bored. She also said that she wanted me to have a good time and that she loved me. The tears continued. I got out and looked at my reflection, I was so surprised to see a mess staring back at me. This guy was lost. Six words. Over and over again like a broken record repeated in my head. "Oh no, this can't be happening". 

Fading faces surrounded me, I thought no one would find out, no one did. The place I found myself was no longer happy, it was diseased and deadly. The darkness was my friend, no it was pushing me further into my own darkness. I was falling fast, this much I knew. Those six words. Six words. Over and over again. 

Last night I had a dream. The dream was vivid. I was visited by a person who I had never met. He gave me a simple message. He said "Find those words I gave you in that cubicle, I brought them with your tears." I woke up in a sweat, I don't know what that could mean! Im scared why I will be saying those words. His eyes. The timing. I am scared.