Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Boys Don't Cry

I must admit all jokes aside that sitting by myself at night with just the waves crashing around me brings out the person she created. This is proof of the the truth in my empathy, the scariest part that reminds me how human we could all be. Mistakes are made and harsh words are said, it happens between us and the people we love and the people we hate. Reading the entry in my journal reminded me of the place I was when I wrote it, in London. Sitting in a graveyard near my home in Tooting Becking. This was a place i could visit for it's silence, the green grass and a slice of peace. Unfortunately it also haunts my dreams, because my eyes saw things amongst the tears that I wished were just my weak state of mind and body were creating out of desperation and fear. Alone I sat and wrote back to the place where I knew our love was unbreakable, unmatched and the only thing that lingered in my mind the whole time we were apart, before this time-when we were teenagers and now. I realised that I had been writing, my heart had been hurting and my focus was how the love started to fall apart right in front of our eyes. For a moment a warmth found it's way through me as I revisited the happiness we shared. I remembered back to when we were perfect, not only in our eyes, but to our spectators. The two following journal entries I wrote there in the silence reminded me of a few things; how short life is, how unexpected the world can turn it's back on you and the song i listened to over and over again to take me back to the 16yr old version of me, without fear, with dreams and with a love inside his chest that made romantic films seem below par. The following are two separate entries written on the same day, about different days. They hare happy entries, but yet sad. Below them are the lyrics to the song that brought these out in me.

>>>The Gig<<<<

Driving to a small community centre performance with my band was always just a quiet drive mixed with my mates a few cool beers to warm us up before we performed for a bunch of teens that liked our sound, not because it was polished, or because we thought we were rock stars, but because our hearts were in the right place and didn't consider ourselves better than them We played shows with them, treated them as musical and chronological equals and it always felt like the right thing to do. This one show was very different to me. She was coming to see my band for the first time, she would sit in a room where chords, melodies and lyrics were moulded to tell the listeners of her and my story. I don't have a beautiful voice that could project emotion, just an average grunt with a whispering sing that never sings something without heart. I was nervous, and slightly hung over. She was as well, as she came to watch me Dj the night before and we had a few drinks and a lovely night.

I thought she would've been unhappy about waking up early that morning so i gently got up and out of bed and got ready for my show without waking her, after having a shower though i walked into my room and there she was, awake with a smile. I whispered 'Good morning'. She simply replied 'Im excited..'. Captioned off with a cheeky smile crafted with an artist's chisel. After we were both ready I gave her the 'don't expect too much from me and my band'..' speech, simply because I was nervous. I repeated that speech about 50 times during the drive to the venue. Upon arrival she found a place to sit and I got her a bottle of water, as I assisted the band to set up. We were just about to start and walked over and thanked her, and said "hope you like our songs, because if you do you're going to be stuck coming to these things for a long time..". Little did I know that this would be the first and last show she would attend, and the last time my songs would mean something to me. Which is the key reason for quitting my band, and I could longer sing the songs that once meant something. Singing "I changed my life my promises, kill my hope of emptiness... for you, I've been waiting my whole life to change my life", meant nothing and hurt more than I could say.

During the whole show I could see her eyes on me, and me, the singer, smiling during a heavy metal set was unheard of so i tried over and over to not meet her gaze. I did though..and her eyes made everyone else disappear, just like the first time i saw when we were 16. That night popped into my mind for a moment, reminding me of the image. All I could see was her open back shirt, her dark curved back and curly blonde hair. She simply took my breath away during the songs, just by looking at me, same way she did when we first met. After the show she told me I sucked, then giggled and kissed me and assured me i was great. She went home after that to spend the night with her parents and catch up on some 'her' time, and I went to the pub with my mates. We both needed some time apart because on the Sunday, which was two days after this show she and I were going to my cousin's wedding.

>>>The Wedding <<<

On a day I had refused to attend from the beginning spawned the most beautiful memory of our love. I had prettied myself up with a trendy grey suit and was awaiting her arrival for my cousin's wedding which was in a very poor location on the rear of my house near a dirty duck pond build adjacent to the primary school. Location was terrible, but i digress.

My cousin and I had not been on the best terms as there had been many family arguments mainly between her and I. Growing up we were like brother and sister, but as both of our stubbornness matured and the bitterness aged like a fine wine inside us both the tension grew and the confrontations became a regular event. She often blamed me for the families' perception of her and she created perceptions and lies about me and my lifestyle, I kept myself out of the arguments until they confronted me with hearsay and lies at which point i would lose my temper and aggression would arise. For her wedding day we pushed all our differences aside and played happy families, which is what families generally do I've been told.

As she arrived I heard my front gate buzz open and i walked casually down my stairs eagerly awaiting to see how she looked. The feeling that met my cognition as my cerebellum processed the visual projection I was receiving could be described identical to the rush you receive when you have experienced a near death experience. I was nervous, happy, overwhelmed and breathless within a split second. My love was standing in front of me, beautiful and angel like. Her sweeping dress caressed her body and brought words only pronounced in vowels. Her hair was straight and swaying in the subtle breeze. She had a gentle and innocent look in her eyes that was whispering 'what do you think?'. The confident woman i laid next to two night prior had taken a day off and called in the teenage version of her, which invited the loving teenage version of me there to hold her hand during the day and admire how amazing she was.

At the ceremony I noticed all the eyes found us, as they did at the reception where we had been converted into teenagers getting drunk at a family wedding. She kept giving me beers as she was getting more for herself and my drunk aunty! We played with helium balloons and took photos of ourselves as the drunkenness approached us ever so quietly. The dj was atrocious. He mixed love shack with rave music, possibly the worlds worst DJ. My little cousins were running around the tables collecting all the helium balloons in a race to see who could collect the most, balloons were currency and none of them would surrender any, except for when she asked.

We began talking about our wedding, and what we both wanted. Small, in a place like Fiji, Hawaii etc. 20 people maximum and a weekend long reception. We both wanted the exact same thing. The conversation flowed the same way a couple celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary would share. It did not make me nervous, it did not scare me. It made me happy and it finally made me feel like someone was with me to value me and care about me and my heart forever. Not for the generic reasons of companionship or convenience, but for the challenging beautiful love. The love that makes you wish you could live the same lifetime over and over again just to see her face in the morning.

As night creeps up on me and the hollowness inside validates itself more here in this cold, dark grave yard all I know is two things: the love she made me feel and what my cousin said to me on the day: "It's my day and everyone is talking about how you too look like you are truly in love. Looks like we have to start planning a wedding ey? Nuh! You'll find a way to fuck it up".

"Not this one cousin, she's my soul mate" My science teacher once said to me that the only essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. What do you do when all hope in love is gone?

"The love we give away is the only love we keep" -Elbert Hubbard:

*The Cure-Boys Don't Cry* -Lyrics-
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

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