Christmas is a time for giving, and last night sitting with some family and friends I felt happy knowing my life would be moving forward in the coming year. It is a nice feeling having a laugh with a few mates, their partners, your family and just enjoying the serenity of a drunk delight. It was only a few days ago I read an email from someone who read this blog and asked me why my entries have become shorter and less frequent. The sad truth is the events following the last entries is where my life starts spiraling towards a catastrophe. Funnily enough, the events that took place from here on in have shaped the emotionless hollow person typing these words. The events where instigated by me to a degree, and for that I have been sorry, but nontheless they happened and I will devulge the rest of the story in the upcoming posts.
This post is about the dream that shook me to the core, and it visited my sleep at the worst time, Christmas morning, after a pleasant night with friends. Unbeknown to me, my mind hadn't thought how badly this may affect me. The dream was terrifying in the way that you feel when someone you love is badly hurt or injured. That sick feeling is with me now and I cannot escape it no matter who I speak to, what I drink or what I watch/listen to. It will not subside. This dream will haunt me for a long time to come. I question whether or not dreams have any significance in our past, present or future. Such as people talking about dreams they have had of people and then they discover the person in the dream has been hurt or sick. I wish I had the courage to check that but I don't want to ruin her Christmas as mine was this morning because of this dream. It's is a very real thought, but sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.
The dream from which I woke to this morning, the 25th of December 2009 was horrific. It began with me running through a dirty abondoned movie theatre looking for an exit to motion towards my destination, which at this point in the dream I did not know what it was. Whilst runningtowards the destination I was greeted by faces from my teen years, and they were all dressed in black suits and black dresses, attire you expect to see at a funeral, I was dressed in casual white and blue jeans, disimilar to my usual dress. I kept seeing people that were looking at me in disguist. The feeling was a rushing confused inbalance and fear. It was a fear that I could only explain as an anticipation. I finally arrived what was aparently my destination and entered an apartment which was overcrowded, dark light and also full of faces that were unhappy with me. I was looking for her, I was asking people and searching everywhere for her, but instead I was met face to face with her boyfriend. He and I began talking like nothing was wrong and I began to apologise for all I had said. Then I said the words that shook me. I congratulated him on the engagement and wished them the best.
I left after a brief search mission to find her. The searching was unsuccsessful and I began to motion back towards the old movie theatre. On my way I was faced by a large seated outdoor dinner party. All the people were seated dressed in black suits and black dresses again. They all turned and stared at me with faces that I could only read as rage, anger and dissapointment. Closer look at all these faces made me discover all the people at this dinner party were all the people I went to high school with.
I motioned around the tables looking back as all their angry eyes followed me. I began to run towards the old movie theatre and I could see it in my sights, all of a sudden an old friend came out of nowhere and said a sentence I will never forget.
"All those people wont come to your funeral, when you die alone. The movie theatre shows films based on fantasy and imagination. That's where you live your life, in fantasy. You had it all and you let it slip, you didn't even let yourself see that. No one will miss you, so on your way kiddo."
Running back to the theatre I began to cry and frantically look for her in the threatre. Finally I made it in to my car and drove myself home. I went upstairs and layed in bed until I remember falling asleep. In the morning all I could see was two people talking about me in front of my house. All I heard was that I died in my sleep.
This will haunt me.
Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowpe