Friday, December 25, 2009

The Old Cinema

Christmas is a time for giving, and last night sitting with some family and friends I felt happy knowing my life would be moving forward in the coming year. It is a nice feeling having a laugh with a few mates, their partners, your family and just enjoying the serenity of a drunk delight. It was only a few days ago I read an email from someone who read this blog and asked me why my entries have become shorter and less frequent. The sad truth is the events following the last entries is where my life starts spiraling towards a catastrophe. Funnily enough, the events that took place from here on in have shaped the emotionless hollow person typing these words. The events where instigated by me to a degree, and for that I have been sorry, but nontheless they happened and I will devulge the rest of the story in the upcoming posts.

This post is about the dream that shook me to the core, and it visited my sleep at the worst time, Christmas morning, after a pleasant night with friends. Unbeknown to me, my mind hadn't thought how badly this may affect me. The dream was terrifying in the way that you feel when someone you love is badly hurt or injured. That sick feeling is with me now and I cannot escape it no matter who I speak to, what I drink or what I watch/listen to. It will not subside. This dream will haunt me for a long time to come. I question whether or not dreams have any significance in our past, present or future. Such as people talking about dreams they have had of people and then they discover the person in the dream has been hurt or sick. I wish I had the courage to check that but I don't want to ruin her Christmas as mine was this morning because of this dream. It's is a very real thought, but sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.

The dream from which I woke to this morning, the 25th of December 2009 was horrific. It began with me running through a dirty abondoned movie theatre looking for an exit to motion towards my destination, which at this point in the dream I did not know what it was. Whilst runningtowards the destination I was greeted by faces from my teen years, and they were all dressed in black suits and black dresses, attire you expect to see at a funeral, I was dressed in casual white and blue jeans, disimilar to my usual dress. I kept seeing people that were looking at me in disguist. The feeling was a rushing confused inbalance and fear. It was a fear that I could only explain as an anticipation. I finally arrived what was aparently my destination and entered an apartment which was overcrowded, dark light and also full of faces that were unhappy with me. I was looking for her, I was asking people and searching everywhere for her, but instead I was met face to face with her boyfriend. He and I began talking like nothing was wrong and I began to apologise for all I had said. Then I said the words that shook me. I congratulated him on the engagement and wished them the best.

I left after a brief search mission to find her. The searching was unsuccsessful and I began to motion back towards the old movie theatre. On my way I was faced by a large seated outdoor dinner party. All the people were seated dressed in black suits and black dresses again. They all turned and stared at me with faces that I could only read as rage, anger and dissapointment. Closer look at all these faces made me discover all the people at this dinner party were all the people I went to high school with.

I motioned around the tables looking back as all their angry eyes followed me. I began to run towards the old movie theatre and I could see it in my sights, all of a sudden an old friend came out of nowhere and said a sentence I will never forget.

"All those people wont come to your funeral, when you die alone. The movie theatre shows films based on fantasy and imagination. That's where you live your life, in fantasy. You had it all and you let it slip, you didn't even let yourself see that. No one will miss you, so on your way kiddo."

Running back to the theatre I began to cry and frantically look for her in the threatre. Finally I made it in to my car and drove myself home. I went upstairs and layed in bed until I remember falling asleep. In the morning all I could see was two people talking about me in front of my house. All I heard was that I died in my sleep.

This will haunt me.

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowpe

Saturday, December 19, 2009

The slide

Jonathan Swift was known for many things in his short lived life, but I envy the words he spoke about life. I remember reading once he said “A lie does not consist in the indirect position of words, but in the desire and intention, by false speaking, to deceive and injure your neighbour.” It stuck with me, because lies make the world go around. I lied to her, she lied to me. Some malicious some white lies, but nonetheless all lies.

Everybody needs something in this world. Growing up I was made to believe I needed love. I had and have the unmatchable love of my family and friends, but I wanted that movie love. The notebook romance people crave and live for. The plans had begun for me to run away from the only person that has hurt me so tremendously. The plan was to run away to London, away from everyone and everything, after I got my teaching degree so I can work as a teacher in the roughest education system with English as a first language. The scary thing is my slippery slope began this time when we seperated. The things I began to do took me back to when I was looking to be something or someone that was noticed. The worst was ahead, and it all fell like dominoes!

A lie hides the truth. A story tries to find it.

Friday, December 4, 2009

White Ballons and The sky of Doom

The looking glass was new, but the story was getting old. I saw her, yet again. This time we were sharing a silence that was hurting me, because this was my final sacrifice, like a ritual. This was it, and it was painful. I knew if saw her I'd have to walk over and say 'hello'. I wished that I could just be brave. I was dying to see her, but also dying not to.
We were at a concert, we were not together, she was with her friends and the friend from Canberra, and I was with my friends from University. I looked around when we arrived, and I could not see her face. I began drinking quickly so I could blur my mind and think of something or someone else. The alcohol was only fuelling the fire inside me. I was anticipating confrontation and some sort of an argument. I didn't want to lose her, I needed her to be there for me in two weeks, when I was hospitalised, but I was starting to feel that she did not need me. The sad thing is, she did, she was just to proud to admit to it. She needed someone there, the same way I did, but I was too proud and stubborn too. It seems like the voices I listened to were the ones paving a path to destruction and hurt. I listened and acted, instead of just being honest, real and understanding. I never intend to point the finger, we both got hurt and there were discrepancies on both sides of this story. However, all i wanted was to invest in this love, and I'd give myself to the wolves for it, for her. As I type this, i read the caption behind the note of where this was written, and it was written at Coston South terminal 5, train station in London. I take myself back to that place and think of the year that passed since and what has happened. I should have known, happiness is not something planned for me. It just isn't on the cards. Im blessed with amazing friends, but as I watch them all fall in love and get married, I know I'll always think back to the year where I had a shot at doing the same thing, and I let it slip. One of my students in year 5 asked me on Friday why I have a blank look in my eyes. I had no answer..I just told her to finish her lunch. Smart kid! I digress.

I walked from the dance floor towards the bar and noticed her curly hair, she was sitting outside with her friends having a cigarette. The voices in my head commenced as I bled myself right in. In that split moment, it was the moment that took me beneath the skin and I glanced at the atmosphere as it shifted from a crowded room to an empty space, with her and I. The fear of walking to her was like thinking of a paper cut, I knew how it would feel, and how deep and slow it would cut, but I had to do it. The two voices began arguing in my mind as the sound of the voice hit my cerebellum while i motioned towards her. One voice said tell her how beautiful she looks and that I miss just holding her in our comfortable silence, the other voice told me walk up and be a dick. I listened to the one telling me to be a dick. Typical me. I walked up and looked into her eyes and said Hello, she introduced me to her friends and the uncomfortable moments began building, so I left them and rejoined my friends.

Although I could bleed from the mouth saying this, the person I am now looks at the immature and juvenile behaviour I used to bring to the table and feel embarrassed. The person I am is not the guy I was then. I am sure of what I need and what I want in life, although I won't find it, I am happy knowing I will embrace it if it ever found me. That neither here or there for what was ahead in this awkward story that proved to her, I was capable of been insensitive, and selfish. Not only did the night see me become highly intoxicated i commenced torturing her verbally and her friends, getting angry at my friends for no apparent reason and becoming an absolute disgrace. This person I recall from that night is dead and buried. I was creating reasons for her and her friends to dislike me, and to be honest I'd dislike me too.

After the concert I messaged her over and over again, hurtful messages that could be reworded to say "run back to your ex". I had a bad night, and my attitude that night was not acceptable. However, love is about forgiveness, and love does make people do silly things, things we don't think we would do. I wish that night had not happened. I wish i could have just walked up, said hi, and told her I missed her and that she looked beautiful.

The next day I went to visit her, and we sat on the veranda as she looked into my eyes with disgust. She explained what I knew was coming, things I remembered, things I had forgotten. I did not argue, I sat there and took the words in. She explained that she thought we would not have a future if all her friends hated me, and they all did. I felt like a spectator that day. I accepted what she told me, and walked away with my heart left crushed. I didn't blame her for what she did, she simply stated the truth, and also told me how she thought i should have acted, which was the other voice's opinion that night, remember the voice I ignored? That one.

in two weeks I was entering the hospital, and I wanted her there, I needed my love there. I thought about what I could do to prove to her I could fix all these silly mistakes, fix all the insecurities about us that I caused. I needed to clear my head, so I went in to my work (back then I worked in a video shop) to get a DVD and go home. On my way to the video store the people from the e-mail rang me and organised a meeting on the following Monday to discuss the contracts and interview me. I organised the date and time and messaged my friend to let him know the ball was rolling and this looked like it was going to happen. I walked into the video shop greeted some fellow staff members and began walking around. While I was picking out a DVD a friend of hers was also there. I thought he would hate me also, because surely he would have heard of the juvenile me ruining a relationship built in the minds of fairy tales. I was wrong as he motioned towards me with a sincere look on his face i'd never seen before.

He approached me and said he was sorry about what happened between me and her, and that I shouldn't worry, everyone knew she would go back to her ex. Confused I asked him what he meant. He told me that she had started seeing him again, and they were probably back together! I told him that I thought that her and I were still together until only these last few days, he continued to tell me how he knew of her seeing him when I wasn't with her, and him visiting her at the house which she was house sitting. I didn't believe him, but he assured me he was right. I was confused, and instead of thinking about how I wronged her, my mind went back to the person that was angry at her again, instead of myself. Was he saying this because of what had happened and she asked him to say this to hurt me more? Was he just joking? Was he telling me the truth? What was going on? The events that occurred next brought me to the numbness I now know.

The cruellest lies are often told in silence