Tuesday, November 24, 2009

You never had wings

The future is called "perhaps," which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you. ~Tennessee Williams, Orpheus Descending, 1950
Sometimes people say to themselves "how much of this life would i take back?" from the things they have experienced, done or seen. Some things that are the most life defining events in our lives are derived from the smallest events that we could never have predicted would have the impact they did. These moments become everything and more, and we measure our lives by them. Tonight I was out to dinner with my mother and my step dad at a restaurant overlooking the pier where her and I met. As i was sitting there looking over in somewhat of a daze, not even thinking of her, I saw a couple, then another and then another. I looked away to see the reality which is my life. Couples all around me, people happy, people in love. I was at a Thai restaurant seated at a four seater table with my parents opposite me, a couple themselves, and next to me, like my life, an empty chair.

All around partners held hands and laughed over half full glasses of cheap red wine and BYO bottles of six dollar Lambrusco. She wouldn't care if we had a cheap bottle of wine, as long as the meal complicated a delightful evening and no other company but us. Just her and I. This sad abyss in which I am trapped constricts everything around me. My achievements, my triumphs are all hollow victories. My drunken stumbles mean more to me then life itself, its the feeling I respect. Last Friday I nearly took my final stumble with the poison running through my veins. The poison was involuntary, but as I approached my last breath something made me fight, even though the pieces of me I had lost helped me to give in, the stronger part of my heart kept beating and fought this affliction. I fought that final breath and Im still here. It did not even impact me at all that death was so near. Everything has lost a sense of surprise or significance, or even relevance.

After been collected from the side of the road I dreamed that horrible dream about her and him getting married, and after all I had been though, that was all I felt in my recovering days, and still now. It got me thinking of the drive home from Canberra and how disappointed she was with me acting like a cold hearted monster, disregarding her friends and therefore showing her that I had no respect for her or cared about the people in her life that mattered. From my point of view I had done nothing wrong, something which I now know is not true. I did alot of wrong, I didn't tell her how I was feeling about her news, instead I acted like a child and gave her and her undeserving friend the silent treatment on a trip that was supposed to be fun and relaxing for all involved. I did not know what to say that would not be negative. All I was thinking was negative, simply because I did not want to loose my baby, my world, my girl. The girl I chased since I was 17. Eight years this girl had not left my mind, but every time I had her I would act foolish.

As i type this all I can see in my mind is her singing in my room to J-Lo's "Im Real" and trying on my hats. She was my star, and she shined so bright around me. Each and every time I lost her, the feelings I fathomed were foreign and cold. In this car, I knew this argument was about to emerge, so I maintained my silence until the very last 30 minutes of the car trip, I knew what would happen. We would argue, she would tell me I was been an idiot, insensitive and a prick and we would fight to the other side where we would see the silliness and realise we are better than this. Naturally she would have to fight the stubborn me, which was present for the last 36 hours, since my ego received the news about her following her heart in the industry she loved so much, she was right to want to pursue her dreams, and who was I to interfere? That day I did not think this, I thought the opposite. I believed the choice was simple. Choose Love. Choose me! Done and dusted. What is there to think about, right? Unfortunately, only now I can see how wrong that train of thoughts really was. She probably says this is why I lost her to him, but I do not agree. Only a coward runs to another man's arms and surrenders because they cannot handle the uncertainty of a bumpy road. Some people like the subtle obvious consistency of black and white, and false facades as opposed to a life in the grey and a road filled with challenges, rainbows and pots of gold. I am a dreamer. For this i am never sorry. predicatble lifestyles are for the weak and pathetic.

We began the confrontation and I began my ego trip, I began my stubborn arguments. During the argument she was texting, in a way where her phone was hidden so I wouldn't see who it was. The beauty with mobile phones being used in cars on cold days is the light's reflection on the window. It was him. She was messaging him. 'Organising to see him' i thought to myself. I was probably right, i also thought. During the reasons my ego was creating, she had one deep breath and filled the silence. She had one simple statement, which was nor an argument or a discussion. She ended us. She told me this was not what she needed while she tried to decided what path she needed her career to take. I simply said the words that any stubborn person loves and those words were "fine, whatever!" She dropped me in front of my house, and I simply said "is this it, is this a 'see you later' or 'good bye'?
She looked away and slowly released: 'Its good bye, and I have to get going.'

I stepped out of her car as I watched her drive off, I was angry, hurt and suspicious. I went inside to an empty home, and threw my bags on the bed. I rang a Uni friend that was coming out with me on the coming Thursday. I asked him to come to my home before the show to discuss something we used to joke about at University. I opened my laptop and searched my collection of University e-mails, flicked though all the e-mails until I found the one I needed. I replied to it with grave interest on behalf of myself and my friend.

Thursday came and time came to sign the return e-mail and fax it in, so he and I discussed what we were about to do as I got ready.

The future is an opaque mirror. Anyone who tries to look into it sees nothing but the dim outlines of an old and worried face. ~Jim Bishop

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