Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is not something I do easily. Growing up i learned at a very young age not to turst anyone but my mother and grandmother. I suffered best friends backstabbing me, people making me believe they were my friend only to discover they were using me, and girlfriends, girls that were only with me for who i was in the spotlight, not the person. I could list a million reasons why not to trust people, and a million different occassions where the wall I put up came down only to remind me why it was there in the first place. I never thought this wall would be demolished by love and rebuilt to resist the same thing that brought it crashing down willingly.
I had the constant fear that me bringing down this wall and giving her the benefit of the doubt would kill me, I thought it would allow me to be a doormat for her to walk all over. Unfortunatelly the can of worms I opened was more severe than her using me, it was emotional blackmail, mind games and lies. So many lies that I cannot sustain them within the pages of any single notebook, for it means that someone may find it one day and read my reasons for the numbness. As Don Miguel Ruiz said " Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive, to let ourselves love, the risk to be alive and express what we really are". The real me died with her, and was buried with her lies somewhere far far away. To resurface that would be a miracle, one miracle that I expect death to beat.
Her and I met and spoke about the situation, she assured me it was nothing and it was just a kiss between friends, she also assured me that he slept on the coach. The scary thing is i did not believe her, and the disbelief grew into some more significant trust issues with her. She asked me to bury the hatchet and move on with our relationship, at which point i agreed, due to my blindness caused by this love. She could make me believe the sky was bright pink, and it she said it with the compassion she had mastered over time, id believe her.
Our connection was becoming tattered with all these little fights, misunderstandings and lies. A sign of this was what happened in the weeks to come. Her friend from down the coast had organised to come to my home town to celebrate her birthday, unlike the tremendous party plans they discussed the day I was there. They had a hotel room, champagne, drugs and a plan for a night out in Wollongong. I was invited to the hotel room to stay the night with her, while her friend slept on the coach, this night proved to me that seeing her with him did more damage than I realised.
I was working the night of her friends' birthday. I was playing at the club that her and I rekindled this relationship. They were out and about in the clubs surrounding the area, but mostly my club. With the combination of drugs and alcohol she had the blank look of lust on her face that said to me that she had dismissed the issue we had in the previous weeks.
I always had a partner in crime when I played in this club, he was a renowned ladies man, and all round nice guy. His target this night was her friend, and it was a successful quest for him. After the 3am lockdown in every club and me finishing work, we returned to the hotel room. He descented to the couch with her friend and I motioned to the bedroom with my girlfriend.
We changed into our pyjamas, and layed in bed.I could hear my friend and hers having sex in the next room, it was very loud and very graphic. Me on the other hand, I was laying in this hotel room bed, with my girlfriend next to me, who was cuddling me and propositioning similar activites. I asked her not to have sex in this room, as I felt it was a cliche and we were better than that. The truth was though I could bring myself to sleeping with her, my mind was cluttered with thoughts of him and her. It was driving me insane. My love in his arms. My girl and him. I layed there as she fell asleep and I just thought...i was preparing for the worst...
Little did I know what was ahead of me in exactly one weeks time
"Say once more, say it again, Is this the end of all i know?" I ask myself that everyday. I know that even with a small text message I feel so much, maybe the medicine will help me overcome this affliction. My medicine, the bottle and sound!