Monday, November 9, 2009

The Road to here

The great moments of my life have not been the things I've done. The beautiful moments have not been what I have acheived, or the things I have worked hard to accomplish. Almost every time it's the things that have happened to me. Im not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, Im saying you have to take action. I have never underestimated that on any given day, I could step out my front door and my whole life would change forever. Unfortunatelly I believe this universe has a plan, and that plan seems as though it is always in motion. Make up, break up, love, lust, pain and happiness are just some of the spices added to this mix called life that make it worthwhile.

A butterfly flaps it's wings and it starts to rain, it's a scary thought but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working to make sure you end up exactly where you are supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there. Miracles are rare, and if you think long and hard, you can probably trace back to a moment in your life, when you believed they existed. My first miracle existed the day I met my first real girlfriend, she was the prettiest girl I had ever laid my eyes on, and nearly ten years on seeing her today, i want to kick myself for ever letting her go and moving on to the girl this saga is about. Now don't get me wrong, I would never take anything back that i have experienced in my life, but this girl loved me, and I denied her that feeling because of my silly dreams of becoming famous....silly indeed.

The girl and I had a hard few days, but we were not only planning a trip to Canberra to visit her friend which i had met and had actually gotten on well with, but she and a few friends were coming to see me play a Wednesday night which was promised to be fairly busy and the crowd would be amazing. However, because I knew she would be there it meant I would prepare and think long and hard about my set because my other half would be present, but for me it meant that I was really playing for her all night. I wanted to make her proud, so she can show me off to her friends. My heart flickered on arrival, knowing that her and her friend would be there shortly to see me play. I was very excited, the kind of excitement you gain Christmas morning, even though we had a rough time here and there, that feeling never subsided each time before seeing her.

About 30 minutes had passed since I commenced my set, and she and her friend had arrived. She briefly visited me and told me she was going to hang around with her friend. Occasionally I would see the two girls visiting the bar before the large amount of people came flooding into the club. On an average of forty five minutes I had not seen her or her friend, which made me a little concerned, simply because I was excited to see her. I was playing well and the crowd was going crazy, in the midst of my last 20 minutes of playing an old friend approached me to ask me why my girlfriend was sitting on her ex boyfriends' lap. The weight of the universe landed in my stomach and stole my wind. Words vanished and the hollowness I once knew reminded me of what was ahead and words lost meaning. Anger and confusion clouded my mind. I did not know what to do, so I looked through my musical resources for a sound with an extended long play. I found a song which lasted just under 10 minutes, plenty of time to locate her and her man, in the place where my friend told me they were sitting. I ran upstairs to the beer garden. With each step I felt as though I was moving closer towards an image that would haunt me. I asked myself a plathera of questions on the way to her. "Am I that poor of a human being that she cant just be happy with me?" "Am I a joke?" "Is this revenge? Maybe my friend was wrong" I reached the top of the long flight of stairs and upon reaching the last step I noticed her sitting on her ex boyfriends lap and laughing it up.I did not know what to do or say, I wasn't going to say anything to him. It was her fault not mine and not his. I simply turned around and walked back to my DJ booth to continue playing my set and simply go home. Chunks of my heart and trust were chipping away, and this was a big chunk. Two things stood out. First one was this was a double standard, considering she abused a friend of mine the week prior to this and secondly my "friend" that told me was actually her friend, and he promised me not to say anything, because he simply felt bad for me.

This was the start of faulty game of jenga, this piece fell, as did many others. I don't believe I overeacted,simply because I was mad about her, I acted the way a star crossed lover should. In the coming weeks my life would motion towards something that nearly physically and emotionally killed me. The scariest thing was the confrontation between her and I, and even worse he and I. Ive never told anyone what he said to me that night, but it stuck with me forever...


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