Saturday, November 21, 2009

Is this the end of all I know?

"To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best." - William M. Thackeray

Last night I was visited by one of my best friends, and their friend also. The friend and I got to talking and she opened up to me about her love, and what she did for them. The effort, the triumphs and the ups and downs, the rise and fall. She reminded me of the way we become when we love. The way the walls come down, our souls are stripped and the heart begins to take the wheel. Unfortunately the driver of my shattered dreams was partially my heart, somewhat my ego and mostly my stubbornness. It also reminded me of the last time I felt anything real. The memories descend and the scariest thing is the feeling that I've always looked for in one person found me, and I can continue to blame her, but I have to turn the finger back around towards my direction. Thinking back to the way I acted on different occasions, such as the trip to Canberra, convince me that I had a big part on reaching the breaking points of this love. She wasn't always the most patient person, but towards the end she began to force herself to go that little bit extra and make an effort in resolving issues, growing a longer threshold of patience to deal with my stubbornness and silly behaviour. Talking to my friend last night, i replayed some of the times her and I fought, the fun times and the hardship. I saw visions of myself that were pathetic. The jealousy and the immature version of me that seemed dissimilar to the person I really am. I had changed changed for the better and the old me would resurface during our trying times, the times that were a challenge.

In the beginning I was not like this person at all. I rarely overreacted and never thought twice about trusting her. She always asked me why I was like this, and why I would become selfish and inconsiderate. The truth is something that only a silly analogy can profess. When there is a perfect baby born into the world it's culture jade it. There's only so much you can do to that baby, shaking it, exposing it to impurities before it starts slipping away. That was me, and our love was the baby. It had been shaken so much that all the trust and the challenge I loved to endure became a heavy cross to bare. The fact of the matter was I failed to trust her as I did when we began, and my hate for what I was becoming began to shine through in other ways. My poor attitude, my selfishness and my inability to like the surroundings that tainted our love. In our four walls away from the negative influences of the world, we were and can be perfect. Like our love and our passion it is unreached and matched by none, only in my opinion.

Last night as I sat next to a person baring their soul, I quietly thought about the loneliness I've been enduring the last half of this current year. I am finding my friends again and learning to spend time alone. Although I am having fun, I would trade it in an instant to find her lying on me feeling her gentle breathe brushing my beard as her fingers lovingly weave through mine. She coloured my eyes and exposed the feeling I usually hide. No one knew the person I gave to her, and she let him go, which made me realise, this feeling and this person are weak and should be sent home, day by day that person disappears into the abyss with the bottles I use to drown him, I ask myself is it better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there? I digress.

On the Sunday prior to the Monday we were visiting her friend she invited me to stay the night with her as a home in a southern part of Australia known as Kiama. We went shopping, got some food to eat and went back to this house and prepared a light meal and dined together. We did the washing up and sat down on the lounge and watched her TV Show, which i had never seen before. I was there with her, I did not mind what we watched as long as I was with her. The whole night had a beautiful feel to it, somewhat of a prelude of what our future together could hold. She was in her track pants and singlet top, I was in my casual shorts and band T-shirt, my usual attire. We were perfect that night, she told me some news that she was offered a new job. I was very excited for her, and she told me all the benefits and how amazing it was that this early in her return to the area she had been given such a great opportunity, i was amazed at how special this was for her, but I could see a look in her eyes that made me think there was a big 'but' that would shatter me. The job was on an island in another state, more importantly, the same area as her ex boyfriend's family.

This news devastated me, after all this it was going to end again? I wouldn't be given a say in this, it was something she had to decide on her own. She asked me what my opinion was. Naturally i acted artificial and pretended for a split moment that I was happy for her, as I held the tears and screams inside. I began what I knew best, the coldness. I started being cold and listing all the negative things about this decision. In my mind the stubborn and selfish voice decided what she should do for me. I wanted her to leave all her dreams behind and stay in the area she has been trying to escape for years, all for me. Why did i expect this? Because I would do the same. In my mind 'us' always came first, but obviously not for her, and i don't think it's a bad thing that she wanted to follow her dreams. I just wanted her, that's all. The rest of the night was a bit shaky here and there, and her friend asked her to visit on Tuesday rather than Monday.

She drove to my home and picked me up to travel to Canberra to go and visit her friend. We were going there to see her on this particular Tuesday night, her friend was going to come to our area to see an Australian dance act named PNAU at the University of Wollongong Bar. We visited her friend and my state of mind was fragile from the news she offered me. The time we spent in Canberra i was not myself. On the night of our arrival i joined in on the conversation in the most minimal manner, as the discussion of the new job offer was talked about and various other things including reminiscing about events that happened with her ex boyfriend, who she was still seeing behind my back. This made me uneasy and I chose to say nothing, as I had no positive input. I maintained silence, which would again be a rude gesture but as my world was been shaken I couldn't do anything but sit silent.

The next day her friend, her and I went to the local shopping centre to get lunch and then to the War museum. The whole time i was distant and quiet, in my mind I had started preparing for her to leave me again, but it happened sooner than I thought. The drive home was horrible.

Last night my friend said that when she saw us looking in to each others eyes, it's like nobody else existed, and it made her believe that love exists. So real that we cannot pretend.

TO BE CONTINUED

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