Sunday, November 15, 2009

All I know is that I Know Nothing.


I could say many times over that forgetting this story would do me good. Sitting in a place far far away today I stared in the distance and felt empty. I jumped in my car and drove to Shellharbour. I visited the pub there alone, I purchased a schooner of Hahn Superdry and sat on the balcony overlooking the pier. The place we walked to each other. The place that I'll take my son one day and tell him; "this is where your dad was given a second chance at love, real love that cannot be manufactured, love that he knew once...it made me feel alive, but nothing lastst forever". The last thing I wanted to do today was to think of her, simply because it would hurt, and also because she was STILL the reason I was like this. I had not been happy in months. The happy me was missing. I am playing shows again, and I miss her in my crowd. I play to friends, whom I love and love me in return but the hollowness that she creates cannot be filled by a million loving friends, and they would understand why, she is the void now. Sitting there today though brought old feelings and memories flooding back, just for split moments, and two voices ruled my attention there. One was telling me of the wonderful times, and the other was saying; "you are a single man, go out and meet some girls"! As I listened to these voices fighting, a car drove past. It was a lowered 1983 Holden Gemini, I heard the Sub Woofer thump almost 500 metres away. it caught my attention because it was playing 'Im Real" by Jennifer Lopez. The song she once sang to me, and it held a special place in our love. A happy place. I automatically recieved goosebumps and was moved nearly to tears, as it felt like a sign. But what sing? For what? Instantly as the happiness flooded back as did that night I was playing and her ex boyfriend was there.

When he approached me I expected a fight. What he offered me caused more bruises than a heavy weight boxer could inflict. He gave me intimate details of the times they had been meeting up and the things they were doing behind my back. To hear that killed me. I chose to ignore him,. because I thought he was just trying to spite me, but what she said following my confrontation killed my soul a little more. I told her a basic overview of something he had said, including a hostile request to to physically fight him, which i declined due to my future ambitions and the fact that I did not want to fight him, it was childish.

In all the comotion and the disco dust she approached me and pleaded for me not to be upset with him as I had his girl.
That was hard, because she was my girl, but she still classed her self as his, which clarified to me in what light she saw her self regarding him.

We did not speak for a couple of days and messaged each other using vague words and generic greetings. We had planned that weekend to travelt to Canberra to visit her friend, and she messaged me saying that she thought it was a good idea, as we could go visit her friend, have a few drinks and have a weekend away...little did I know what was ahead.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

To Be Continued

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