Tuesday, November 24, 2009

You never had wings

The future is called "perhaps," which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you. ~Tennessee Williams, Orpheus Descending, 1950
Sometimes people say to themselves "how much of this life would i take back?" from the things they have experienced, done or seen. Some things that are the most life defining events in our lives are derived from the smallest events that we could never have predicted would have the impact they did. These moments become everything and more, and we measure our lives by them. Tonight I was out to dinner with my mother and my step dad at a restaurant overlooking the pier where her and I met. As i was sitting there looking over in somewhat of a daze, not even thinking of her, I saw a couple, then another and then another. I looked away to see the reality which is my life. Couples all around me, people happy, people in love. I was at a Thai restaurant seated at a four seater table with my parents opposite me, a couple themselves, and next to me, like my life, an empty chair.

All around partners held hands and laughed over half full glasses of cheap red wine and BYO bottles of six dollar Lambrusco. She wouldn't care if we had a cheap bottle of wine, as long as the meal complicated a delightful evening and no other company but us. Just her and I. This sad abyss in which I am trapped constricts everything around me. My achievements, my triumphs are all hollow victories. My drunken stumbles mean more to me then life itself, its the feeling I respect. Last Friday I nearly took my final stumble with the poison running through my veins. The poison was involuntary, but as I approached my last breath something made me fight, even though the pieces of me I had lost helped me to give in, the stronger part of my heart kept beating and fought this affliction. I fought that final breath and Im still here. It did not even impact me at all that death was so near. Everything has lost a sense of surprise or significance, or even relevance.

After been collected from the side of the road I dreamed that horrible dream about her and him getting married, and after all I had been though, that was all I felt in my recovering days, and still now. It got me thinking of the drive home from Canberra and how disappointed she was with me acting like a cold hearted monster, disregarding her friends and therefore showing her that I had no respect for her or cared about the people in her life that mattered. From my point of view I had done nothing wrong, something which I now know is not true. I did alot of wrong, I didn't tell her how I was feeling about her news, instead I acted like a child and gave her and her undeserving friend the silent treatment on a trip that was supposed to be fun and relaxing for all involved. I did not know what to say that would not be negative. All I was thinking was negative, simply because I did not want to loose my baby, my world, my girl. The girl I chased since I was 17. Eight years this girl had not left my mind, but every time I had her I would act foolish.

As i type this all I can see in my mind is her singing in my room to J-Lo's "Im Real" and trying on my hats. She was my star, and she shined so bright around me. Each and every time I lost her, the feelings I fathomed were foreign and cold. In this car, I knew this argument was about to emerge, so I maintained my silence until the very last 30 minutes of the car trip, I knew what would happen. We would argue, she would tell me I was been an idiot, insensitive and a prick and we would fight to the other side where we would see the silliness and realise we are better than this. Naturally she would have to fight the stubborn me, which was present for the last 36 hours, since my ego received the news about her following her heart in the industry she loved so much, she was right to want to pursue her dreams, and who was I to interfere? That day I did not think this, I thought the opposite. I believed the choice was simple. Choose Love. Choose me! Done and dusted. What is there to think about, right? Unfortunately, only now I can see how wrong that train of thoughts really was. She probably says this is why I lost her to him, but I do not agree. Only a coward runs to another man's arms and surrenders because they cannot handle the uncertainty of a bumpy road. Some people like the subtle obvious consistency of black and white, and false facades as opposed to a life in the grey and a road filled with challenges, rainbows and pots of gold. I am a dreamer. For this i am never sorry. predicatble lifestyles are for the weak and pathetic.

We began the confrontation and I began my ego trip, I began my stubborn arguments. During the argument she was texting, in a way where her phone was hidden so I wouldn't see who it was. The beauty with mobile phones being used in cars on cold days is the light's reflection on the window. It was him. She was messaging him. 'Organising to see him' i thought to myself. I was probably right, i also thought. During the reasons my ego was creating, she had one deep breath and filled the silence. She had one simple statement, which was nor an argument or a discussion. She ended us. She told me this was not what she needed while she tried to decided what path she needed her career to take. I simply said the words that any stubborn person loves and those words were "fine, whatever!" She dropped me in front of my house, and I simply said "is this it, is this a 'see you later' or 'good bye'?
She looked away and slowly released: 'Its good bye, and I have to get going.'

I stepped out of her car as I watched her drive off, I was angry, hurt and suspicious. I went inside to an empty home, and threw my bags on the bed. I rang a Uni friend that was coming out with me on the coming Thursday. I asked him to come to my home before the show to discuss something we used to joke about at University. I opened my laptop and searched my collection of University e-mails, flicked though all the e-mails until I found the one I needed. I replied to it with grave interest on behalf of myself and my friend.

Thursday came and time came to sign the return e-mail and fax it in, so he and I discussed what we were about to do as I got ready.

The future is an opaque mirror. Anyone who tries to look into it sees nothing but the dim outlines of an old and worried face. ~Jim Bishop

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Dream that will be real.

This is all i know to say for now...

Another day in this carnival of souls
Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes
The memories are shadows; ink on the page
And i can't seem to find my way home

(Back to you)

And it's almost like
Your world is trying everything
To keep me out
And it's almost like
You found ways in everything,
To shut me out

All the places i've been and things i've seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people i'll never see again
And i can't seem to find my way home
I can say that i am sorry,
But it doesnt change anything,
Even though all i say is true,
it doesnt bring me you.

Cause it's almost like
Your world is trying everything
To break me down
Cause it's almost like
Your world is trying everything
To keep me out

....my mind is restless, the dream I had was unbearable. Me standing there; withered alone as I am now and have been most of this year, watching you marry him. My heart shattered.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Is this the end of all I know?

"To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best." - William M. Thackeray

Last night I was visited by one of my best friends, and their friend also. The friend and I got to talking and she opened up to me about her love, and what she did for them. The effort, the triumphs and the ups and downs, the rise and fall. She reminded me of the way we become when we love. The way the walls come down, our souls are stripped and the heart begins to take the wheel. Unfortunately the driver of my shattered dreams was partially my heart, somewhat my ego and mostly my stubbornness. It also reminded me of the last time I felt anything real. The memories descend and the scariest thing is the feeling that I've always looked for in one person found me, and I can continue to blame her, but I have to turn the finger back around towards my direction. Thinking back to the way I acted on different occasions, such as the trip to Canberra, convince me that I had a big part on reaching the breaking points of this love. She wasn't always the most patient person, but towards the end she began to force herself to go that little bit extra and make an effort in resolving issues, growing a longer threshold of patience to deal with my stubbornness and silly behaviour. Talking to my friend last night, i replayed some of the times her and I fought, the fun times and the hardship. I saw visions of myself that were pathetic. The jealousy and the immature version of me that seemed dissimilar to the person I really am. I had changed changed for the better and the old me would resurface during our trying times, the times that were a challenge.

In the beginning I was not like this person at all. I rarely overreacted and never thought twice about trusting her. She always asked me why I was like this, and why I would become selfish and inconsiderate. The truth is something that only a silly analogy can profess. When there is a perfect baby born into the world it's culture jade it. There's only so much you can do to that baby, shaking it, exposing it to impurities before it starts slipping away. That was me, and our love was the baby. It had been shaken so much that all the trust and the challenge I loved to endure became a heavy cross to bare. The fact of the matter was I failed to trust her as I did when we began, and my hate for what I was becoming began to shine through in other ways. My poor attitude, my selfishness and my inability to like the surroundings that tainted our love. In our four walls away from the negative influences of the world, we were and can be perfect. Like our love and our passion it is unreached and matched by none, only in my opinion.

Last night as I sat next to a person baring their soul, I quietly thought about the loneliness I've been enduring the last half of this current year. I am finding my friends again and learning to spend time alone. Although I am having fun, I would trade it in an instant to find her lying on me feeling her gentle breathe brushing my beard as her fingers lovingly weave through mine. She coloured my eyes and exposed the feeling I usually hide. No one knew the person I gave to her, and she let him go, which made me realise, this feeling and this person are weak and should be sent home, day by day that person disappears into the abyss with the bottles I use to drown him, I ask myself is it better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there? I digress.

On the Sunday prior to the Monday we were visiting her friend she invited me to stay the night with her as a home in a southern part of Australia known as Kiama. We went shopping, got some food to eat and went back to this house and prepared a light meal and dined together. We did the washing up and sat down on the lounge and watched her TV Show, which i had never seen before. I was there with her, I did not mind what we watched as long as I was with her. The whole night had a beautiful feel to it, somewhat of a prelude of what our future together could hold. She was in her track pants and singlet top, I was in my casual shorts and band T-shirt, my usual attire. We were perfect that night, she told me some news that she was offered a new job. I was very excited for her, and she told me all the benefits and how amazing it was that this early in her return to the area she had been given such a great opportunity, i was amazed at how special this was for her, but I could see a look in her eyes that made me think there was a big 'but' that would shatter me. The job was on an island in another state, more importantly, the same area as her ex boyfriend's family.

This news devastated me, after all this it was going to end again? I wouldn't be given a say in this, it was something she had to decide on her own. She asked me what my opinion was. Naturally i acted artificial and pretended for a split moment that I was happy for her, as I held the tears and screams inside. I began what I knew best, the coldness. I started being cold and listing all the negative things about this decision. In my mind the stubborn and selfish voice decided what she should do for me. I wanted her to leave all her dreams behind and stay in the area she has been trying to escape for years, all for me. Why did i expect this? Because I would do the same. In my mind 'us' always came first, but obviously not for her, and i don't think it's a bad thing that she wanted to follow her dreams. I just wanted her, that's all. The rest of the night was a bit shaky here and there, and her friend asked her to visit on Tuesday rather than Monday.

She drove to my home and picked me up to travel to Canberra to go and visit her friend. We were going there to see her on this particular Tuesday night, her friend was going to come to our area to see an Australian dance act named PNAU at the University of Wollongong Bar. We visited her friend and my state of mind was fragile from the news she offered me. The time we spent in Canberra i was not myself. On the night of our arrival i joined in on the conversation in the most minimal manner, as the discussion of the new job offer was talked about and various other things including reminiscing about events that happened with her ex boyfriend, who she was still seeing behind my back. This made me uneasy and I chose to say nothing, as I had no positive input. I maintained silence, which would again be a rude gesture but as my world was been shaken I couldn't do anything but sit silent.

The next day her friend, her and I went to the local shopping centre to get lunch and then to the War museum. The whole time i was distant and quiet, in my mind I had started preparing for her to leave me again, but it happened sooner than I thought. The drive home was horrible.

Last night my friend said that when she saw us looking in to each others eyes, it's like nobody else existed, and it made her believe that love exists. So real that we cannot pretend.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

All I know is that I Know Nothing.

I could say many times over that forgetting this story would do me good. Sitting in a place far far away today I stared in the distance and felt empty. I jumped in my car and drove to Shellharbour. I visited the pub there alone, I purchased a schooner of Hahn Superdry and sat on the balcony overlooking the pier. The place we walked to each other. The place that I'll take my son one day and tell him; "this is where your dad was given a second chance at love, real love that cannot be manufactured, love that he knew once...it made me feel alive, but nothing lastst forever". The last thing I wanted to do today was to think of her, simply because it would hurt, and also because she was STILL the reason I was like this. I had not been happy in months. The happy me was missing. I am playing shows again, and I miss her in my crowd. I play to friends, whom I love and love me in return but the hollowness that she creates cannot be filled by a million loving friends, and they would understand why, she is the void now. Sitting there today though brought old feelings and memories flooding back, just for split moments, and two voices ruled my attention there. One was telling me of the wonderful times, and the other was saying; "you are a single man, go out and meet some girls"! As I listened to these voices fighting, a car drove past. It was a lowered 1983 Holden Gemini, I heard the Sub Woofer thump almost 500 metres away. it caught my attention because it was playing 'Im Real" by Jennifer Lopez. The song she once sang to me, and it held a special place in our love. A happy place. I automatically recieved goosebumps and was moved nearly to tears, as it felt like a sign. But what sing? For what? Instantly as the happiness flooded back as did that night I was playing and her ex boyfriend was there.

When he approached me I expected a fight. What he offered me caused more bruises than a heavy weight boxer could inflict. He gave me intimate details of the times they had been meeting up and the things they were doing behind my back. To hear that killed me. I chose to ignore him,. because I thought he was just trying to spite me, but what she said following my confrontation killed my soul a little more. I told her a basic overview of something he had said, including a hostile request to to physically fight him, which i declined due to my future ambitions and the fact that I did not want to fight him, it was childish.

In all the comotion and the disco dust she approached me and pleaded for me not to be upset with him as I had his girl.
That was hard, because she was my girl, but she still classed her self as his, which clarified to me in what light she saw her self regarding him.

We did not speak for a couple of days and messaged each other using vague words and generic greetings. We had planned that weekend to travelt to Canberra to visit her friend, and she messaged me saying that she thought it was a good idea, as we could go visit her friend, have a few drinks and have a weekend away...little did I know what was ahead.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

To Be Continued

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Road to here

The great moments of my life have not been the things I've done. The beautiful moments have not been what I have acheived, or the things I have worked hard to accomplish. Almost every time it's the things that have happened to me. Im not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, Im saying you have to take action. I have never underestimated that on any given day, I could step out my front door and my whole life would change forever. Unfortunatelly I believe this universe has a plan, and that plan seems as though it is always in motion. Make up, break up, love, lust, pain and happiness are just some of the spices added to this mix called life that make it worthwhile.

A butterfly flaps it's wings and it starts to rain, it's a scary thought but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working to make sure you end up exactly where you are supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there. Miracles are rare, and if you think long and hard, you can probably trace back to a moment in your life, when you believed they existed. My first miracle existed the day I met my first real girlfriend, she was the prettiest girl I had ever laid my eyes on, and nearly ten years on seeing her today, i want to kick myself for ever letting her go and moving on to the girl this saga is about. Now don't get me wrong, I would never take anything back that i have experienced in my life, but this girl loved me, and I denied her that feeling because of my silly dreams of becoming famous....silly indeed.

The girl and I had a hard few days, but we were not only planning a trip to Canberra to visit her friend which i had met and had actually gotten on well with, but she and a few friends were coming to see me play a Wednesday night which was promised to be fairly busy and the crowd would be amazing. However, because I knew she would be there it meant I would prepare and think long and hard about my set because my other half would be present, but for me it meant that I was really playing for her all night. I wanted to make her proud, so she can show me off to her friends. My heart flickered on arrival, knowing that her and her friend would be there shortly to see me play. I was very excited, the kind of excitement you gain Christmas morning, even though we had a rough time here and there, that feeling never subsided each time before seeing her.

About 30 minutes had passed since I commenced my set, and she and her friend had arrived. She briefly visited me and told me she was going to hang around with her friend. Occasionally I would see the two girls visiting the bar before the large amount of people came flooding into the club. On an average of forty five minutes I had not seen her or her friend, which made me a little concerned, simply because I was excited to see her. I was playing well and the crowd was going crazy, in the midst of my last 20 minutes of playing an old friend approached me to ask me why my girlfriend was sitting on her ex boyfriends' lap. The weight of the universe landed in my stomach and stole my wind. Words vanished and the hollowness I once knew reminded me of what was ahead and words lost meaning. Anger and confusion clouded my mind. I did not know what to do, so I looked through my musical resources for a sound with an extended long play. I found a song which lasted just under 10 minutes, plenty of time to locate her and her man, in the place where my friend told me they were sitting. I ran upstairs to the beer garden. With each step I felt as though I was moving closer towards an image that would haunt me. I asked myself a plathera of questions on the way to her. "Am I that poor of a human being that she cant just be happy with me?" "Am I a joke?" "Is this revenge? Maybe my friend was wrong" I reached the top of the long flight of stairs and upon reaching the last step I noticed her sitting on her ex boyfriends lap and laughing it up.I did not know what to do or say, I wasn't going to say anything to him. It was her fault not mine and not his. I simply turned around and walked back to my DJ booth to continue playing my set and simply go home. Chunks of my heart and trust were chipping away, and this was a big chunk. Two things stood out. First one was this was a double standard, considering she abused a friend of mine the week prior to this and secondly my "friend" that told me was actually her friend, and he promised me not to say anything, because he simply felt bad for me.

This was the start of faulty game of jenga, this piece fell, as did many others. I don't believe I overeacted,simply because I was mad about her, I acted the way a star crossed lover should. In the coming weeks my life would motion towards something that nearly physically and emotionally killed me. The scariest thing was the confrontation between her and I, and even worse he and I. Ive never told anyone what he said to me that night, but it stuck with me forever...


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Room Service

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is not something I do easily. Growing up i learned at a very young age not to turst anyone but my mother and grandmother. I suffered best friends backstabbing me, people making me believe they were my friend only to discover they were using me, and girlfriends, girls that were only with me for who i was in the spotlight, not the person. I could list a million reasons why not to trust people, and a million different occassions where the wall I put up came down only to remind me why it was there in the first place. I never thought this wall would be demolished by love and rebuilt to resist the same thing that brought it crashing down willingly.

I had the constant fear that me bringing down this wall and giving her the benefit of the doubt would kill me, I thought it would allow me to be a doormat for her to walk all over. Unfortunatelly the can of worms I opened was more severe than her using me, it was emotional blackmail, mind games and lies. So many lies that I cannot sustain them within the pages of any single notebook, for it means that someone may find it one day and read my reasons for the numbness. As Don Miguel Ruiz said " Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive, to let ourselves love, the risk to be alive and express what we really are". The real me died with her, and was buried with her lies somewhere far far away. To resurface that would be a miracle, one miracle that I expect death to beat.

Her and I met and spoke about the situation, she assured me it was nothing and it was just a kiss between friends, she also assured me that he slept on the coach. The scary thing is i did not believe her, and the disbelief grew into some more significant trust issues with her. She asked me to bury the hatchet and move on with our relationship, at which point i agreed, due to my blindness caused by this love. She could make me believe the sky was bright pink, and it she said it with the compassion she had mastered over time, id believe her.

Our connection was becoming tattered with all these little fights, misunderstandings and lies. A sign of this was what happened in the weeks to come. Her friend from down the coast had organised to come to my home town to celebrate her birthday, unlike the tremendous party plans they discussed the day I was there. They had a hotel room, champagne, drugs and a plan for a night out in Wollongong. I was invited to the hotel room to stay the night with her, while her friend slept on the coach, this night proved to me that seeing her with him did more damage than I realised.

I was working the night of her friends' birthday. I was playing at the club that her and I rekindled this relationship. They were out and about in the clubs surrounding the area, but mostly my club. With the combination of drugs and alcohol she had the blank look of lust on her face that said to me that she had dismissed the issue we had in the previous weeks.

I always had a partner in crime when I played in this club, he was a renowned ladies man, and all round nice guy. His target this night was her friend, and it was a successful quest for him. After the 3am lockdown in every club and me finishing work, we returned to the hotel room. He descented to the couch with her friend and I motioned to the bedroom with my girlfriend.
We changed into our pyjamas, and layed in bed.I could hear my friend and hers having sex in the next room, it was very loud and very graphic. Me on the other hand, I was laying in this hotel room bed, with my girlfriend next to me, who was cuddling me and propositioning similar activites. I asked her not to have sex in this room, as I felt it was a cliche and we were better than that. The truth was though I could bring myself to sleeping with her, my mind was cluttered with thoughts of him and her. It was driving me insane. My love in his arms. My girl and him. I layed there as she fell asleep and I just thought...i was preparing for the worst...

Little did I know what was ahead of me in exactly one weeks time

"Say once more, say it again, Is this the end of all i know?" I ask myself that everyday. I know that even with a small text message I feel so much, maybe the medicine will help me overcome this affliction. My medicine, the bottle and sound!