Sunday, October 11, 2009

Walls


"The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller
Seeing her killed me. It really did. This was one of the hardest things that ive ever had to experience. In a way it was karma for what i put her through when we were young. The questions in my mind kept building up regarding why this was happening. More questions about us. More and more I felt myself slowly slipping into insanity.

Was she with him because he is a better person than me? Was it my eyes playing tricks? The questions were blinding and heartbreaking. My friend and i returned to his car and i told him i was feeling quite ill and wished to go home. He knew I was lying because he had known me for most of my life, and I miss him these days, but that's another story in itself. He rescued me always, I know if he was here he would rescue me yet again. All my other friends offer me the surface value "lets have fun" persona without ever saying "wonder why this...or that", but this lonelyness is best for me. I built the walls up so high, i can barely see where they start and end.

These lonely bitter days I spend torturing myself with selfless decisions and no empathy due to lack of meaning. It's been gone for over a year, how does one regain this? It's impossible. Some things leave us for good, we just have to be glad we experienced them. I knew my friend was always able to open my eyes. We got tattoos which signified a friendship bond; the word 'always'. Whenever we fought he would message me 'we are brothers, remember ALWAYS", and no matter what the fight was about we would just be fine and move on.

On this particular day afte being dropped off at home I waited for him to leave and got my keys, wallet and phone and drove to the pier in Shellharbour. The place where she and I had our first date. For me that pier not only serves as a significant moment of her and my love, but a conversation which I will never forget between me and my best mate.

This conversation opened my eyes. The scary thing is I had completely forgoten to include this conversation in my story up until right now. I am sitting on the pier, it is 2:44am Monday morning, 11degress celcius and I was copying and editing an entry from my memoirs when the conversation popped into my head like a mothers' nagging voice when you know you are doing something she warned you not to.

I remember this conversation word for word. This was it:
ME: Hello
HIM: Hey...what happened...tell me the truth!
ME: Dont really want to talk about it.
HIM: I know you too well, just tell me, were brothers. BROTHERS. I tell you everything, remember, no secrets
ME: When we were at the shops I saw her there...with her Ex.
HIM: Oh shit.
ME: Yep...she kissed him.
HIM: Are you okay?
ME: I dont know what to do..
HIM: Listen to me, you listening?
ME: Yeh Im listening..
HIM: Remember how last week you guys had an arguement about how she wanted to watch Sex and the City but you are always watching Scrubs when she comes over?
ME: Yeh but we dont really..
HIM:Just hear me out!
OKAY?
ME: OKay Okay..sorry!
HIM: Well you are real fun to be around, when it's something you want to do.
ME: What do you mean?
HIM: Name the last band we saw live?
ME: Umm... we went to the Vool show.
HIM: Okay now name the last time we went and saw a singer or band I wanted to see.
ME: umm...Wait what are you saying?
HIM: Well we all know that you are fun, and when we hang we all have a blast. But when a person doesn't want to do what you want to do then that's their bad luck.
ME: Thats bullshit..ive done heaps of things I didnt want to do!
HIM: Mate, its true, and it's fine it's who you are. I know that. She knows that and your mum knows that.
ME: Whats this got to do with her seeing him?
HIM: Im just saying dont point the finger and act stubourn straight away. THINK! She always does what you want to do, as do we. Everybody thinks that youare their friend, okay. But the fact of the matter is, that there is not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough that they could hurt you. Her BIG problem is that you really like her. She is the one girl that you really like. That you probably love. No matter what she does and no matter how hard she tries you never let your guard down. Don't blame her, without knowing why she is doing what she is doing, because it could be your fault. In my eyes, that poor girl doesn't really stand a chance, and if you care, you will call and find out what is going on. Play it smart not silly.
ME: Okay...you might be right.
HIM: I am right, come to mine and have some beers and we can watch a DVD. It will cool you down.
ME: Okay Ill see you soon.

On the way to his house I did something silly that i should regret.


TO BE CONTINUED

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