Saturday, October 3, 2009

Through the shop window


I always believed that it is better to be told a hurtful truth than to be told a comforting lie. In the end, the truth will make its way out and will hurt much more than it ever had to. The sad thing is i always believed her, even up until recently, and even though my eyes saw things I did not want them to see.

Our love blossomed in an amazing fashion. I failed to ever get sick of seeing her, and when she wasn't around I would look at the pictures of us in my phone. She began to get involved in my life alot more. I got offered to host a swimsuit contest and accepted the offer as I enjoyed being on stage and adored holding a microphone. She promised to come and watch me present the show, and I still recall how perfect it felt to have her eyes meet mine in a crowded room. The people dissapeared, like they always did. She was my perfect kin and I knew it, i was performing for her. I was surrounded by half naked girls but she was the pretiest in the room. In my breaks i would run down and sneak in a few close moments in which i held her as we mocked the silly answers the models gave to the questions. We were lovers that weaved souls and by-standers could see it. It was the rarest feeling in the world.

As the show ended I thanked the team and motioned towards her where she was located at the end of the runway with a sparkle in her eye destined for me. The looks we exchanged that night show me that love exists in this world, it is a God-like phenomenon. You can't see it or prove it's existance but when you feel it inside your heart, you question how you have lasted the length of your life, prior to this gift, without it. We fooled around a little that night, snapping a few happy moments, one of me licking her face, which to us was a clear piece of evidence that we refered to as a portrait that totally defined "us".

We went to my home that night and i held her for hours on end. I put Scrubs on in the background to create noise and a distraction for possible viewing. We did not watch any of it, we spent the night talking and slipping away into moments where we would just get lost in each other's stare. She was the missing piece in the puzzle and having her here completed the complication that was my life. That night I looked in her eyes and saw a 40 year old version of her in my mind, kids downstairs, talking about work, and being the same as this moment. Many guys my age would be scared of by such a thought, but the feeling was surreal. I did not see this ending, I did not want it to, i never have and i can honestly say I never will. This night was perfect, but every now and then the thought that her ex boyfriend was visiting her kept popping into my head. I could try everything to keep him away but I trusted her, she even promised me she told him not to stay over, as the original plan included him sleeping at her home as he had no where to stay. A story i consumed rapidly due to the trust i had in her.

Eventually the day/night he was visiting arrived. I promised her I had found something to occupy myself. I was at a close friends house who asked me to go to the local Woolworths with him to get some snacks as we were spending the night watching DVD's in his garage. She and my friend lived in a close viscinity of each other, she wasn't aware I was with him. We drove to Woolworths and he and I were mucking around in the car park, we were in our 20's but we still acted like we were 16 years old again, its one thing i loved about out our friendship.

He walked towards Woolworths and I went in to the local DVD store. I was flicking through various titles searching for older classically hilarious films to have a few beers to and have a laugh. As i looked up my eyes spotted her familiar face. There she was my love. There he was with her, her ex boyfriend, entering her car. In clear view I could see them as my heartpace increased. They both wound down their windows as her lit cigarettes for them both. I watched and felt my chest hurting, hoping I see nothing more. He motions towards her as he passed her a cigarette from his mouth. His face moved towards hers. I felt sick.

He began to kiss her on the lips. I dropped the DVD in my hand, i stood there, silent. I was frozen. I was lost.

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy." -Richard Bach

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