Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Lonely Drop of Wine

Most people have come to prefer certain of life’s experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper. In avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness. My single mates mates, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication, even though it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness as it is all that I have that takes me back to the place I once was. I say to them that when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, lonelyness is all they have as well. My friend Carl found me in a far South Australian pub only last night in the end of my mini tour of NSW cities and countries, he asked me quietly what i was doing as he saw me playing with my old phone. I said to him i was flipping through some photos. Although 30, Carl is still a kid at heart and exercises School boy habits such as his current snatch and run attitude, which is what he did with my phone.

As he ran off he slowed his paced down to a mid doddle and looked back and whispered my name under his breathy in disappointment. He slid my phone shut and came and sat next to me. As he sat down he simply said..."no one knows what feeling you hide, now I know. Is this why you are single and push people away?". I snatched my phone and played it cool, and it took my mind to the Thursday that could have been the defining moment in my relationship. I had seen her and what she was up to. It was up to me to get revenge and be with someone she despised and made her feel insecure. Scary thing is the thought of hurting her or doing anything to risk our relationship made me shaky.

Thursday night is a popular alternative night is Sydney, and this venue we had planned to attend was supposed to be amazing. This first trip there was just me and an old friend, this was before i went there again with my friends Ben, Latisha and Chev a long time later. My friend and I walked in to the night spot and began drinking dancing and you do in Sydney night-clubs, realistically in any night-club. Eventually he was hook, line and sinker on a girl and disappeared to the dark lounges to get to know her better. I was left with her group of friends who where ex models and fashion designers. This is the night I met the girl from Australia's next top model. She was a skinny, tall blonde girl with amazing eyes and a self confidence level i was unaware of before this night. She caught my attention in an odd way and in knew i wanted to talk to her. Not to hit on her or try anything, she just seemed real interesting.

After introducing myself we spoke about many things. She had a great sense of humour and a great taste in music. Her friends would enter the conversation on and off, and they always had a very appropriate and quirky remark or input. We agreed on most things, she was a minor TV celebrity and i was a minor music celebrity, so we knew similar fads,similar or the same people and laughed about horrible trends in the fashion culture surrounding us. As time beckoned we began to drift towards a more personal range of topics such as sexual preferences, past experiences/partners and preferences. We were very similar, and somewhat compatible. The night began to end and my friends wanted to leave so I wished her a good night and gave her a kiss on the cheek, offered good-byes to her friends and followed my friend downstairs to leave the building.

As i entered the stairwell I heard my name in the distance. My friend pointed out that he heard it too, as we both stopped. She came rushing down the stairs we had already travelled on and grabbed my hand as she gently pushed me towards the white cement rendered wall. She firmly held me against the wall and told me she really liked me and she was kick herself if she didn't kiss me as she leaned in to motion her lips towards mine.

I knew this was a wrong step to make, as I would only be stooping down to my girlfriends' level, as she was kissing her ex boyfriend that morning. I gently placed a finger on the tip of her nose as she motioned towards my face and told her that I Couldn't kiss her. She got somewhat upset and asked why I couldn't, and I explained to her that I was raised to never kiss a drunk girl, because it was disrespectful to women. She giggled and asked to look at my phone. I passed her my phone and she simply typed her number in and showed me what she saved it under. She told me I that i had to call her, no exceptions. I told her would in the near future.

I did not kiss her, which opened my eyes to the fact that my girl was the one for me, I wouldn't cheat on her, id give her the benefit of the doubt and Id have her forever. The next day she was working during the day and i had University, so we would meet at night or Saturday at some point. I coughed after my typing her the last message about Friday and Saturday, I looked in my hand and saw black blood from my throat....


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