Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Chasing Maggie

“The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.”
- Wendell Berry

One night we got drunk and words started escaping, verbal bullshit we called it. The stories came out. As I went home from that night worried about what that blood from my throat meant i thought back, and my mind spoke to me. The odd thing is I remember telling my friend this...thinking back, this is the only way i can express what happened. In this theory, this theory is called Chasing Maggie.

So there's me and her, and we're all inseparable, right? We were having a few drinks, that turned into a few more. Outside, the wind it blew. Her and I, before seeing her with him again were just big time in love. This was about four or five months down the road As the alcohol consumption continued the the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend, the one i would see her with in the coming weeks.

Men in general all know that the ex-boyfriend questions are a really dumb move. But you know how it is: you don't wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit.

So, anyway, she starts telling me about him... how they fell in love, and how they went out for a few of years, and how they lived together, but she likes me better, she feels more around me, she feels alive with me, im better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... and I'm okay.

But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them to experimate different things. Menage à trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing, i don't want to see the love of my life like this, or hear that she could be shared, as I never could or would. Im Saint shithead sometimes, living in the conservative 1930s, only when it suits me and my judgement of people, that we all swear doesnt exist, but really who are we kidding, everyone judges people. Everyone.

So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like... I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her names, and bring it up in a hurtfull manner everynow and then. And tell her she was used. I'm... I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right? And she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, and tell her, sorry and pretend it doesnt mean anything. I judged her, and the things she did, even after her honesty. In that moment

It was a mistake. I didn't hate her. I wasn't disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like... like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that. Typical male ego with my stubourn icing.
But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was... she was looking for me, for the Love. But, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I've spent every day since then chasing Maggie... so to speak.

Pain is a door, a fever burning for more -Ian Kenny

In the end, if i ever see her again, smilling, happy or whatever, and I say hi, I know in the conversation i will just be some guy she once knew.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Lonely Drop of Wine

Most people have come to prefer certain of life’s experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper. In avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness. My single mates mates, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication, even though it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness as it is all that I have that takes me back to the place I once was. I say to them that when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, lonelyness is all they have as well. My friend Carl found me in a far South Australian pub only last night in the end of my mini tour of NSW cities and countries, he asked me quietly what i was doing as he saw me playing with my old phone. I said to him i was flipping through some photos. Although 30, Carl is still a kid at heart and exercises School boy habits such as his current snatch and run attitude, which is what he did with my phone.

As he ran off he slowed his paced down to a mid doddle and looked back and whispered my name under his breathy in disappointment. He slid my phone shut and came and sat next to me. As he sat down he simply said..."no one knows what feeling you hide, now I know. Is this why you are single and push people away?". I snatched my phone and played it cool, and it took my mind to the Thursday that could have been the defining moment in my relationship. I had seen her and what she was up to. It was up to me to get revenge and be with someone she despised and made her feel insecure. Scary thing is the thought of hurting her or doing anything to risk our relationship made me shaky.

Thursday night is a popular alternative night is Sydney, and this venue we had planned to attend was supposed to be amazing. This first trip there was just me and an old friend, this was before i went there again with my friends Ben, Latisha and Chev a long time later. My friend and I walked in to the night spot and began drinking dancing and socialising...as you do in Sydney night-clubs, realistically in any night-club. Eventually he was hook, line and sinker on a girl and disappeared to the dark lounges to get to know her better. I was left with her group of friends who where ex models and fashion designers. This is the night I met the girl from Australia's next top model. She was a skinny, tall blonde girl with amazing eyes and a self confidence level i was unaware of before this night. She caught my attention in an odd way and in knew i wanted to talk to her. Not to hit on her or try anything, she just seemed real interesting.

After introducing myself we spoke about many things. She had a great sense of humour and a great taste in music. Her friends would enter the conversation on and off, and they always had a very appropriate and quirky remark or input. We agreed on most things, she was a minor TV celebrity and i was a minor music celebrity, so we knew similar fads,similar or the same people and laughed about horrible trends in the fashion culture surrounding us. As time beckoned we began to drift towards a more personal range of topics such as sexual preferences, past experiences/partners and preferences. We were very similar, and somewhat compatible. The night began to end and my friends wanted to leave so I wished her a good night and gave her a kiss on the cheek, offered good-byes to her friends and followed my friend downstairs to leave the building.

As i entered the stairwell I heard my name in the distance. My friend pointed out that he heard it too, as we both stopped. She came rushing down the stairs we had already travelled on and grabbed my hand as she gently pushed me towards the white cement rendered wall. She firmly held me against the wall and told me she really liked me and she was kick herself if she didn't kiss me as she leaned in to motion her lips towards mine.

I knew this was a wrong step to make, as I would only be stooping down to my girlfriends' level, as she was kissing her ex boyfriend that morning. I gently placed a finger on the tip of her nose as she motioned towards my face and told her that I Couldn't kiss her. She got somewhat upset and asked why I couldn't, and I explained to her that I was raised to never kiss a drunk girl, because it was disrespectful to women. She giggled and asked to look at my phone. I passed her my phone and she simply typed her number in and showed me what she saved it under. She told me I that i had to call her, no exceptions. I told her would in the near future.

I did not kiss her, which opened my eyes to the fact that my girl was the one for me, I wouldn't cheat on her, id give her the benefit of the doubt and Id have her forever. The next day she was working during the day and i had University, so we would meet at night or Saturday at some point. I coughed after my typing her the last message about Friday and Saturday, I looked in my hand and saw black blood from my throat....


Friday, October 16, 2009

Flowers in December (Sep 08)

How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here...waiting for you.

Taking every breath with you,
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
I gave you every part of me,
Now i pretend to be something to help you fall.

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Baby we shared the laughter and the pain,
And shared the tears, why was I to blame?
You're the only one who really new me at all

So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space.
There's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face.
Take a look at me now
take a look at your empty space,
You coming back to me is against the odds,
and that's just what i've gotta face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry.
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons that answer why.

Take a look at me now,
I'm just standing here.
And you coming back to me,
Is against the odds.
And that's a chance I've got to face
Its an amazing place.

So take a look at me now
Before I let you down again
I just want to see you in your eyes
I would have taken everything out on you
I only thought you could understand

They say everyman goes blind in his heart,
And they say everybody steals somebody's heart away
And I got nothing more to say about it,
Nothing more than the feeling i need to stay.

Send me your flowers, in december
Send me your dreams, of your candy wine
I got just one thing I can't give you,
Just one more thing of mine.

They say everyman goes blind in his heart
They say everybody steals somebody's heart away
And I've been wondering why you let me down,
And I been taking it all for granted every day.

one more question.
for one more kiss.
one more forever,
it could be bliss.

( Thursday 22nd October, 2009 7pm UNIBAR

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Not enough Rope.

I sat in my car and thought to myself that I need to shake off the "why's" and the "what if's" and rid myself of confusion. Whatever was - is in the past. Whatever is. That’s what's important. The past is a brief reflection, and the future is yet to be realized. Even after all our mistakes and ups and downs I am excited to know that i simply dont know. It's scary to think that if only a few small things changed, the whole future would be different. Instead of sitting in my room alone wondering if I will ever meet someone like her again, with one small difference in our story she could be laying next to me asleep while I mark homework or type out reports for my students.

It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. If we could llife would be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, she did make mistakes, yes I made mistakes. And yes, we did have bad days - but as long as we let the past go, we could have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of us. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. I always say grab hold of it, but what if you can't?

Seeing her with him left me no rop. I lost it. Simply just lost it. I should have taken my friends' advice and instead I sent her abusive messages, awaiting a reply. I did not recieve a reply to my messages until the next day. What kind of conclusion would you draw if you saw the girl you loved with another man, and your attempts to contact her were unsuccessful. Whoever you are, you cannot help but think of the worst case scenario. So what does one do when there is a 24hour gap between communication. The messages in her return communication stated that she had not seen him. Again another lie. My mind was thiking the worst. I prepared to have my heart handed to me. I started to prepare and make people aware of the situation, well not the actual facts but the fact that we were on the way out, because thats what I thought her actions meant.
I went out that night......it was a Thursday...

"Im circling every thought, my reason has awoken.
Lost buried in my fears, the overwhelming taste of sweet bitter tears.
Deafening are my thoughts, The one thing that I know is where im coming from.
Given the chance to fly, take hold of me
Coz im sorry, im still sorry
Im still learning to give you away"

Voice they pass me by....to BE CONTINUED
Maggie, Thursday 22nd OCTOBER:::Ministry of Sound Presents: BANGGANG & MikiMash. 7:30 UNIBaR. He will be alone, and looking into the crowd again....I know I will see nothing....but it doesnt hurt to dream x

Sunday, October 11, 2009


"The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller
Seeing her killed me. It really did. This was one of the hardest things that ive ever had to experience. In a way it was karma for what i put her through when we were young. The questions in my mind kept building up regarding why this was happening. More questions about us. More and more I felt myself slowly slipping into insanity.

Was she with him because he is a better person than me? Was it my eyes playing tricks? The questions were blinding and heartbreaking. My friend and i returned to his car and i told him i was feeling quite ill and wished to go home. He knew I was lying because he had known me for most of my life, and I miss him these days, but that's another story in itself. He rescued me always, I know if he was here he would rescue me yet again. All my other friends offer me the surface value "lets have fun" persona without ever saying "wonder why this...or that", but this lonelyness is best for me. I built the walls up so high, i can barely see where they start and end.

These lonely bitter days I spend torturing myself with selfless decisions and no empathy due to lack of meaning. It's been gone for over a year, how does one regain this? It's impossible. Some things leave us for good, we just have to be glad we experienced them. I knew my friend was always able to open my eyes. We got tattoos which signified a friendship bond; the word 'always'. Whenever we fought he would message me 'we are brothers, remember ALWAYS", and no matter what the fight was about we would just be fine and move on.

On this particular day afte being dropped off at home I waited for him to leave and got my keys, wallet and phone and drove to the pier in Shellharbour. The place where she and I had our first date. For me that pier not only serves as a significant moment of her and my love, but a conversation which I will never forget between me and my best mate.

This conversation opened my eyes. The scary thing is I had completely forgoten to include this conversation in my story up until right now. I am sitting on the pier, it is 2:44am Monday morning, 11degress celcius and I was copying and editing an entry from my memoirs when the conversation popped into my head like a mothers' nagging voice when you know you are doing something she warned you not to.

I remember this conversation word for word. This was it:
ME: Hello
HIM: Hey...what happened...tell me the truth!
ME: Dont really want to talk about it.
HIM: I know you too well, just tell me, were brothers. BROTHERS. I tell you everything, remember, no secrets
ME: When we were at the shops I saw her there...with her Ex.
HIM: Oh shit.
ME: Yep...she kissed him.
HIM: Are you okay?
ME: I dont know what to do..
HIM: Listen to me, you listening?
ME: Yeh Im listening..
HIM: Remember how last week you guys had an arguement about how she wanted to watch Sex and the City but you are always watching Scrubs when she comes over?
ME: Yeh but we dont really..
HIM:Just hear me out!
ME: OKay Okay..sorry!
HIM: Well you are real fun to be around, when it's something you want to do.
ME: What do you mean?
HIM: Name the last band we saw live?
ME: Umm... we went to the Vool show.
HIM: Okay now name the last time we went and saw a singer or band I wanted to see.
ME: umm...Wait what are you saying?
HIM: Well we all know that you are fun, and when we hang we all have a blast. But when a person doesn't want to do what you want to do then that's their bad luck.
ME: Thats bullshit..ive done heaps of things I didnt want to do!
HIM: Mate, its true, and it's fine it's who you are. I know that. She knows that and your mum knows that.
ME: Whats this got to do with her seeing him?
HIM: Im just saying dont point the finger and act stubourn straight away. THINK! She always does what you want to do, as do we. Everybody thinks that youare their friend, okay. But the fact of the matter is, that there is not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough that they could hurt you. Her BIG problem is that you really like her. She is the one girl that you really like. That you probably love. No matter what she does and no matter how hard she tries you never let your guard down. Don't blame her, without knowing why she is doing what she is doing, because it could be your fault. In my eyes, that poor girl doesn't really stand a chance, and if you care, you will call and find out what is going on. Play it smart not silly.
ME: Okay...you might be right.
HIM: I am right, come to mine and have some beers and we can watch a DVD. It will cool you down.
ME: Okay Ill see you soon.

On the way to his house I did something silly that i should regret.


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Laughter for your tears...

I'm sorry for the demon I've become,
You should be sorry for the angel you are not.
I apologise for cruel things I did,
But I don't regret one single word I said.

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared?
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you'd fall
I'm so sorry but I never cared at all.

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away pretend that none of this was real

You are the best i know,
Who can pretend so much.
One of my biggest fears,
Became my happiness.
The only smile I hid,
was buried in your tears.

Could you blame me for chasing you?
I confused the things you said for true.
I apologise for love I inflicted,
You deserve the life we all predicted.

( This was written after all this story had ended, quite recently. Sometimes people need to stop and ask themselves; "do i really need this in my life?" "Do i deserve being lied to and played over and over again?" The scariest thing about this, is that now I see how blind i was, and can pretend that none of this was real. How can you have respect for someone that can never offer you a straight answer? A person that so many people warn you about, their own friends, your own friends, people that they work with...how can you trust that person? Sometimes things have a funny way of working themselves out, so that you are saved from more harm. We always said fate brought us together at the wrong time. I think fate brought this story together to teach me a valuable lesson and establish an understanding about denial and the idea of people's self perception they hold, or self efficacy.

In the end, i am always right.-Flaw )

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Through the shop window

I always believed that it is better to be told a hurtful truth than to be told a comforting lie. In the end, the truth will make its way out and will hurt much more than it ever had to. The sad thing is i always believed her, even up until recently, and even though my eyes saw things I did not want them to see.

Our love blossomed in an amazing fashion. I failed to ever get sick of seeing her, and when she wasn't around I would look at the pictures of us in my phone. She began to get involved in my life alot more. I got offered to host a swimsuit contest and accepted the offer as I enjoyed being on stage and adored holding a microphone. She promised to come and watch me present the show, and I still recall how perfect it felt to have her eyes meet mine in a crowded room. The people dissapeared, like they always did. She was my perfect kin and I knew it, i was performing for her. I was surrounded by half naked girls but she was the pretiest in the room. In my breaks i would run down and sneak in a few close moments in which i held her as we mocked the silly answers the models gave to the questions. We were lovers that weaved souls and by-standers could see it. It was the rarest feeling in the world.

As the show ended I thanked the team and motioned towards her where she was located at the end of the runway with a sparkle in her eye destined for me. The looks we exchanged that night show me that love exists in this world, it is a God-like phenomenon. You can't see it or prove it's existance but when you feel it inside your heart, you question how you have lasted the length of your life, prior to this gift, without it. We fooled around a little that night, snapping a few happy moments, one of me licking her face, which to us was a clear piece of evidence that we refered to as a portrait that totally defined "us".

We went to my home that night and i held her for hours on end. I put Scrubs on in the background to create noise and a distraction for possible viewing. We did not watch any of it, we spent the night talking and slipping away into moments where we would just get lost in each other's stare. She was the missing piece in the puzzle and having her here completed the complication that was my life. That night I looked in her eyes and saw a 40 year old version of her in my mind, kids downstairs, talking about work, and being the same as this moment. Many guys my age would be scared of by such a thought, but the feeling was surreal. I did not see this ending, I did not want it to, i never have and i can honestly say I never will. This night was perfect, but every now and then the thought that her ex boyfriend was visiting her kept popping into my head. I could try everything to keep him away but I trusted her, she even promised me she told him not to stay over, as the original plan included him sleeping at her home as he had no where to stay. A story i consumed rapidly due to the trust i had in her.

Eventually the day/night he was visiting arrived. I promised her I had found something to occupy myself. I was at a close friends house who asked me to go to the local Woolworths with him to get some snacks as we were spending the night watching DVD's in his garage. She and my friend lived in a close viscinity of each other, she wasn't aware I was with him. We drove to Woolworths and he and I were mucking around in the car park, we were in our 20's but we still acted like we were 16 years old again, its one thing i loved about out our friendship.

He walked towards Woolworths and I went in to the local DVD store. I was flicking through various titles searching for older classically hilarious films to have a few beers to and have a laugh. As i looked up my eyes spotted her familiar face. There she was my love. There he was with her, her ex boyfriend, entering her car. In clear view I could see them as my heartpace increased. They both wound down their windows as her lit cigarettes for them both. I watched and felt my chest hurting, hoping I see nothing more. He motions towards her as he passed her a cigarette from his mouth. His face moved towards hers. I felt sick.

He began to kiss her on the lips. I dropped the DVD in my hand, i stood there, silent. I was frozen. I was lost.

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy." -Richard Bach