Monday, September 21, 2009

Hostage


Have you ever been in love?
It is confusing isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Ever wonder why that is? That uncontrollable feeling that makes you think one day, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I acting like this. Things taste different, places look grey without them and life just doesnt even flow smoothly. I know why this happens. It is simple.

Love takes hostages.

It gets inside you. It hollows you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love, and even more i hate how I, the person who never let love in, the person who does not even let people touch him without having an internal monologue screaming "it's nearly over, nearly over" and so on...

The turns our love were taking were a slow wearing out process, however, when we felt broken and torn apart, we would meet up to talk about it and our eyes would meet again, and we would realise that we were silly. This, like the last small seperation was sorted out and I apologised because i was 'being rude' for sitting there quietly. Sorting things out was always amazing, because even though our relationship was a challenge, the growth in our love and the ability to reconcile after fights or misunderstandings was a clear sign that we were motioning in the right direction.

As time passed, our relationship collected moments like a beautiful romantic film. A perfect moment that stood out for me was when i visited her at her work, and spoke to an old guy there who told me about his snakes and how much he hated Bill Gates. Hilarious! He was a very funny old local man, and he entertained me while my girl worked. We had lunch together from a great little old fish and chip shop accross the road from her work. We sat in the pub's beer garden and everything seemed perfect until the 'warning' came which threw the next spanner in the works.

She worked in a small pub, on the outskirts of Wollongong. It was a job that she acquired for the sole purpose of no stress, no responsibilities and a chance to find her feet after her ordeal at Ayers Rock.
She moved to Uluru to work in hospitality. She felt she needed to find herself and grow comfortable with being alone in a remote area, away from her ex boyfriend, family and friends. She worked there for three months before feeling the overwhelming result of a one night stand, which brought her back home. fragile and longing for the experience to be forgotten. Finding me she told me of this ordeal on the first night when we rekindled our relationship, she summed up the experience and what she went through, and how hollow she felt because of it. I did not mind, i did not judge her for a split moment, all I hoped to do was to take the pain away by showing her there was a plathera of reasons to move on and allow the pain to evaporate. Together we were moving towards feeling like that her ordeal was a nightmare, or just a bad daydream. She often brought it up though, and very odd times, especially whilst intoxicated. It brought drama and was often used towards me as a reminder of why she did not want commitment.

The sad thing i have come to realise is that she moved from a sixteen year old who thrived on closeness and turned into a twenty two year old who dwells on drama and 'what if's', not taking a chance for me, with me. Maybe i am not worth it. Maybe she did not love me the way i loved her. Maybe her ex boyfriend was still in the picture. All these thoughts were surrounding me.

The fights started begining again since her ex was coming back into the picture. That visit at her work, and the casual 'warning she gave me was that her ex boyfriend was going to visit her at her family home, where she was staying, and that i was supposed to be completely allright with him "staying over and sleeping in the spare bedroom/couch". Mind you this was the same girl who used to get angry at girls talking to me on myspace or facebook! This was the first time i caught her lying to me about him. The heartbreaking thing was, i made a conscious effort to be understanding and give her the benefit of the doubt, what my eyes saw began tearing away at my heart...lies upon lies. Up until this piece of writing she does not know what i saw and where i was. I was there when...

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'” Charles Schultz

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