Friday, September 18, 2009

Fill the Violence

I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life's experiences, bad and good, make you who you are. Erasing any of life's experiences would be a great mistake.

The day had arrived that i had promised her, during our reuniting, that i would travel with her to see her friend in a small village known as Bowral. A place that i expected to see beggars, liars, gypsies and thieves. Instead of what it was, a somewhat stylish cafe town where a Latte was a bleasing and a beer was a curse.

The trip to see her friend was unlike any other, apart from the fact that i had to watch her suck down a few cancer sticks as if as though the smoke breeding from the tobacco was an answer to a question i had never been asked. I tolerated her horrible addiction and was just glad to be in her presence. The trip was fine and everything was running smoothly. I met her friend again, whom i had met the first night she found me again. She was the girl who had the same name as her. They sat there as i blended in to the background quietly, i didn't want to interupt their catching up session, as she said she hadn't seen her in a while. They were talking about people i did not know and places they had worked together. I remained quiet, and i didn't mind, as i had nothing to add to stories they relived from the past.

I played on my phone as they spoke, laughed and smoked. I did not mind in the least, as long as I was there with her, plus i wasn't in a talkative mood as University was really stressful. They began speaking about a party they were organising for the girl's birthday. The two of the spitballed ideas about what to do for her birthday, and who they would invite. They mentioned different places, names and substances they would consume. Fortunatelly for me I was into drinking Alcohol un like these two girls talking about taking pills, speed cocaine and copious amounts of Vodka. To say i was disturbed would be an understatement. I mentally shut down as mapped out an assignment that i had to complete for Uni. I shut their conversation out and just patietly waited until the moment where the conversation would end. The friendship to me seemed like a terribly acted advertisement. To people competing for an answer to "who am I", self efficacy was a minimal worth and hardly even present in these two girls. Merely high school girls trying to impress the footy team.

The conversation ended and she motioned towards me and asked me if i was sure i did not want anything from here, the look she gave me was a threatening and dissapointing stare. I maintained consistency and declined, requesting a stop at a local McDonalds, which she promised me she would. The three of us walked to her car and drove to McDonalds. Her friend left her car there while she joined us in a junk food consumption session. During our time there she hardly spoke to me at all, looking occasionally my way in a dissapointing glance, to ensure i knew she was upset at me. However, little did she know i was very upset at her and her plans to party all over the city with her friend, organised all sorts of recreational activities.

After eating a quick meal we said our goodbyes and dropped her friend off back to her car, as her friend left the car an arguement erupted about how rude i was just sitting there playing on my phone. My counterarguement was reflective of all my future and past arguements with her about not bein included in her life, or invited to an event involving her friends or family. The arguement went back and forth all the way back to my house, until it reached a point where another goodbye was given. Ours. She was sure this was a sign we were not meant to be. So she droppped me off, and sped off without a goodbye or anything. I messaged her some hurtful messages and recieved some harsh responses to them. The next few days would be eye opening.

We were suppoed to spend the night together that night, but we did not and i decided to socialise with some friends towards Kiama, but little to her knowledge there was someone else there. Someone I was not expecting to be there, but she was. The model from the tv show. This was the first of many nights where i should have felt guilt, but i did not.

"Im not sorry about you, im sorry for you"

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