Wednesday, September 23, 2009
"Trying to forget someone you love
is like trying to remember
someone you never knew" Mother Theresa
How far would you go if she is your Cinderella but you are not her Prince Charming? The scariest part of love is someone not returning it. The entry below this was the truth, and all i will do is continue to tell this story as it is.
A message in my mobile phone read as follows, again word for word. The bittersweet turth is all i have left. It will be all i have to give. Here's the most recent instalment:
> I dont want a msg back. I dont want to ever hear from you again. I just need to say that I can't believe that you would ever stoop that low. Telling the world about my darkest secret n not being very discreet....So thank you for making me feel like garbage n stirring it all up again.
Really appreciate your sensitivity to the subject. You trully are scum...
In all honesty this is not revenge, it was simply an instalment of honesty. I have no fear of hurting her feelings, as she had made mine evaporate with time. The blog will continue with the honesty, and all secrets will be unveiled, past and present. This, as stated from the beginning is a confession. Not a retalliation.
Also, Sandi, remember. He may just be scared by the hold love might have over him. Sometimes love scares people to act as though someone else. It is truly frustrating, it makes you want to shake them and make them wake up. What more can we offer them? Who else can we be? You ask yourself what it is about YOU that you can change or alter so they just love you, but it's not you. Its them. If they can proffess their love once, give your their body and just be yours, then why does anything have to ever change? Usually it is temptation offered, or just the fear of love and the possibility of you being the one, or vice versa. Forever was the most craved for and warm word anyone could offer, now if feels more like a curse. People will say move on, forget him, just go with it. But all i will say is live the pain it's causing you, because if it really is the end, this longing is the real love. That drowning sorrow and slow bitter realisation is bliss. Flaw
Monday, September 21, 2009
Have you ever been in love?
It is confusing isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Ever wonder why that is? That uncontrollable feeling that makes you think one day, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I acting like this. Things taste different, places look grey without them and life just doesnt even flow smoothly. I know why this happens. It is simple.
Love takes hostages.
It gets inside you. It hollows you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love, and even more i hate how I, the person who never let love in, the person who does not even let people touch him without having an internal monologue screaming "it's nearly over, nearly over" and so on...
The turns our love were taking were a slow wearing out process, however, when we felt broken and torn apart, we would meet up to talk about it and our eyes would meet again, and we would realise that we were silly. This, like the last small seperation was sorted out and I apologised because i was 'being rude' for sitting there quietly. Sorting things out was always amazing, because even though our relationship was a challenge, the growth in our love and the ability to reconcile after fights or misunderstandings was a clear sign that we were motioning in the right direction.
As time passed, our relationship collected moments like a beautiful romantic film. A perfect moment that stood out for me was when i visited her at her work, and spoke to an old guy there who told me about his snakes and how much he hated Bill Gates. Hilarious! He was a very funny old local man, and he entertained me while my girl worked. We had lunch together from a great little old fish and chip shop accross the road from her work. We sat in the pub's beer garden and everything seemed perfect until the 'warning' came which threw the next spanner in the works.
She worked in a small pub, on the outskirts of Wollongong. It was a job that she acquired for the sole purpose of no stress, no responsibilities and a chance to find her feet after her ordeal at Ayers Rock.
She moved to Uluru to work in hospitality. She felt she needed to find herself and grow comfortable with being alone in a remote area, away from her ex boyfriend, family and friends. She worked there for three months before feeling the overwhelming result of a one night stand, which brought her back home. fragile and longing for the experience to be forgotten. Finding me she told me of this ordeal on the first night when we rekindled our relationship, she summed up the experience and what she went through, and how hollow she felt because of it. I did not mind, i did not judge her for a split moment, all I hoped to do was to take the pain away by showing her there was a plathera of reasons to move on and allow the pain to evaporate. Together we were moving towards feeling like that her ordeal was a nightmare, or just a bad daydream. She often brought it up though, and very odd times, especially whilst intoxicated. It brought drama and was often used towards me as a reminder of why she did not want commitment.
The sad thing i have come to realise is that she moved from a sixteen year old who thrived on closeness and turned into a twenty two year old who dwells on drama and 'what if's', not taking a chance for me, with me. Maybe i am not worth it. Maybe she did not love me the way i loved her. Maybe her ex boyfriend was still in the picture. All these thoughts were surrounding me.
The fights started begining again since her ex was coming back into the picture. That visit at her work, and the casual 'warning she gave me was that her ex boyfriend was going to visit her at her family home, where she was staying, and that i was supposed to be completely allright with him "staying over and sleeping in the spare bedroom/couch". Mind you this was the same girl who used to get angry at girls talking to me on myspace or facebook! This was the first time i caught her lying to me about him. The heartbreaking thing was, i made a conscious effort to be understanding and give her the benefit of the doubt, what my eyes saw began tearing away at my heart...lies upon lies. Up until this piece of writing she does not know what i saw and where i was. I was there when...
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'” Charles Schultz
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I'll show you the door when you've decided to hold on to all that you've lost.
You see, all this is nothing when she comes and tears you apart.
Of course, all this is nothing if you hold the key to her heart.
I told you I am your saviour and your truth.
When you get down on the floor,
I will steal the soul from you if there is no truth.
Let's end this lie tonight.
When the thirteenth apostle is knocking at my door,
a new sun is rising in the east. Did I tell you that?
It's true. So sing thorughout the streets and sing throughout the night.
Go and tell the people my soul is aflight.
Although you might save me from all these emotions that are filling my mind,
all of your healers are still hurting my kind.
I will watch what the rain blows in,
and I will continue to tell people that a climb to the holy land
is a slide to the devil's hand.
Something is going to change these times and I'll watch them fade away.
So if they want to keep me hung on their crosses
they'll have to find some bigger nails.
I will continue to walk these streets like a doubting Thomas
and I'll swear at saints when they pass me by.
Nothing is pure when everything is tainted.
Where am I going to go when I die.
So you see, I'll try to let you go and I'll try very hard to forget.
I don't think my thought will subside, I guess I'm just losing my mind.
I'm walking alone, I'm standing in the sun.
I'm thinking about my life and how it's barely just begun.
I want to run
Friday, September 18, 2009
I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life's experiences, bad and good, make you who you are. Erasing any of life's experiences would be a great mistake.
The day had arrived that i had promised her, during our reuniting, that i would travel with her to see her friend in a small village known as Bowral. A place that i expected to see beggars, liars, gypsies and thieves. Instead of what it was, a somewhat stylish cafe town where a Latte was a bleasing and a beer was a curse.
The trip to see her friend was unlike any other, apart from the fact that i had to watch her suck down a few cancer sticks as if as though the smoke breeding from the tobacco was an answer to a question i had never been asked. I tolerated her horrible addiction and was just glad to be in her presence. The trip was fine and everything was running smoothly. I met her friend again, whom i had met the first night she found me again. She was the girl who had the same name as her. They sat there as i blended in to the background quietly, i didn't want to interupt their catching up session, as she said she hadn't seen her in a while. They were talking about people i did not know and places they had worked together. I remained quiet, and i didn't mind, as i had nothing to add to stories they relived from the past.
I played on my phone as they spoke, laughed and smoked. I did not mind in the least, as long as I was there with her, plus i wasn't in a talkative mood as University was really stressful. They began speaking about a party they were organising for the girl's birthday. The two of the spitballed ideas about what to do for her birthday, and who they would invite. They mentioned different places, names and substances they would consume. Fortunatelly for me I was into drinking Alcohol un like these two girls talking about taking pills, speed cocaine and copious amounts of Vodka. To say i was disturbed would be an understatement. I mentally shut down as mapped out an assignment that i had to complete for Uni. I shut their conversation out and just patietly waited until the moment where the conversation would end. The friendship to me seemed like a terribly acted advertisement. To people competing for an answer to "who am I", self efficacy was a minimal worth and hardly even present in these two girls. Merely high school girls trying to impress the footy team.
The conversation ended and she motioned towards me and asked me if i was sure i did not want anything from here, the look she gave me was a threatening and dissapointing stare. I maintained consistency and declined, requesting a stop at a local McDonalds, which she promised me she would. The three of us walked to her car and drove to McDonalds. Her friend left her car there while she joined us in a junk food consumption session. During our time there she hardly spoke to me at all, looking occasionally my way in a dissapointing glance, to ensure i knew she was upset at me. However, little did she know i was very upset at her and her plans to party all over the city with her friend, organised all sorts of recreational activities.
After eating a quick meal we said our goodbyes and dropped her friend off back to her car, as her friend left the car an arguement erupted about how rude i was just sitting there playing on my phone. My counterarguement was reflective of all my future and past arguements with her about not bein included in her life, or invited to an event involving her friends or family. The arguement went back and forth all the way back to my house, until it reached a point where another goodbye was given. Ours. She was sure this was a sign we were not meant to be. So she droppped me off, and sped off without a goodbye or anything. I messaged her some hurtful messages and recieved some harsh responses to them. The next few days would be eye opening.
We were suppoed to spend the night together that night, but we did not and i decided to socialise with some friends towards Kiama, but little to her knowledge there was someone else there. Someone I was not expecting to be there, but she was. The model from the tv show. This was the first of many nights where i should have felt guilt, but i did not.
"Im not sorry about you, im sorry for you"
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Locked in a cold room,
and I`m alone waiting to hear from you,
chained to the phone.
Life is a journey, love never lasts that`s what they tell me
but Ive never asked
Just to know you looked away from me,
when I needed you the most
I don`t want to live with out you
I don`t want to die alone
I hope things work out for you.
My Angel, my demon.
Rain keeps on falling but only on me
Lost in a winter of your memories
Just to know you walked away from me
when I needed you the most
I don`t want to live with out you
And I don`t want to die alone
I hope this all works for you
My lost little love,
I hope this whole thing works out for you
Confused little Rose...
Today it didn`t hurt as much, I could almost breath, I could almost touch
But still I keep your heart with in my chest
Pain ive known is laid to waste,
Lost in a sun-set thinking of you
Who are you with now? And what did I do?
Just to know you turned away from me
when I needed you the most
Its been a long dark road but i remember when it meant the world ot me,
Its been a long dark day and a cold black night and it still gets hard to see,
Cause tyou dont know me and you never will,
Its been a long dark road i still remember why it took so much out of me,
Its a shallow pond we're swimming in and it makes it hard to breath,
Cause they dont know me and they never will
No they dont know why or how it feels to live, to love and be left.
Its been a long dark road and i rememeber skies that weren't so a hard to see,
its been a long dark day and i remember nights that made me, me
This is it.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sitting at a pub in a South Coast town called Berry. I was having drinks at this pub on a Friday night to clear my head. In the gambling area i met Raymond, an old man who's wife had passed 8 years ago. He was wearing a grey jumper, clear folding marks down the middle of the chest. The fibres in the jumper were separating from wear and tear. The jumper sat on him like the worlds most comfortable pyjamas. The pale colour matched a slow heartbeat and a heart only left behind to work. He was wearing an old pair of workman's slacks, the rough kind. They were blew with small spots of what seemed like green paint. His shoes also had layers of dirt, paint and were made of brown leather, that looked aged and well worn. He blended in with the old pub atmosphere perfectly. He held on to his beer and avoided eye contacted with other punters as he watched each race, however his stare went beyond the stakes, past the competition. I knew his look, I knew this look! It's the physical act of pretending to do something when you want to be left alone. Your body is deceiving it's audience. He was there, but his mind was somewhere else.
I wondered around the pub and Raymond only got up to get another Schooner of beer. Bar tenders seemed to know he didn't engage in conversations and they served him with minimal conversations. My eyes were fixated on the football game. I was internally cheering on my favourite football team; St George Illawarra Dragons as they played the Cronulla Sharks in what would see them loose again in this season. The majority of the pub was cheering on the Sharks, hence why my support was internal. I was watching the game in the opposite corner of the pub, close to the bar. I was drifting in and out of thought, and was in fact no different to Raymond, that was probably why i noticed his stare. This night was the night before i received her text message since we had a fight. So all i really wanted to do was be alone, in a place where i knew no one and i could drink, think and be ignored. This was a prefect place for me to feel the withering emotion she offered me. I had not heard from her since valentines day night, little did i know in 24 hours from tonight she would send me that text message.
I felt a person sit next to me at the bar, the corner of my eye saw a grey jumper sleeve holding a schooner glass, half empty without foam and warm looking. I turned slowly and he looked at me as though his eyes were screaming. "Gday" I said. "Hey buddy, whose winning" he replied in a crackled voice that sounded dusty and rarely used. "Ummm, Sharks, typical because im going for the dragons!" He giggled at my reply and said; "Mate don't say that too loud, in this place you can support three teams, dogs, eels and sharks, anything else then you bring attention to yourself!" He let out a warm smile and extended his hand as he motioned for a hand shake, "Raymond" he said. I shook his hand firmly, his hands rough like sand paper and dried up leather as I told him my name. We spoke during the game as my team lost with a poor excuse of an A-Grade game.
Towards the end of the night he began sharing more as the beer flow increased. He spoke of his wife, and showed me photos. He told me about how amazing she was and that he knew he got his shot at love, and she was it. Raymond knew he could never love again. She was everything to him. His dream when they met was to get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Unfortunately for them. she was unable to have children, a cancer that would later take her life and ultimately steal her from Raymond. He told me about his Mum and Dad telling him to leave her and find someone who can have children as he was the only son in their family, and they wished for his name to be carried on, nothing they said could stop his love. He said they never had a single fight, they lived everyday to the fullest and in love.
At one point he began talking to me in questions, and seemed as though this was a series of thoughts that had conquered his happiness and heart. He said: "Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. I know there was a reason i met her. A reason we lived the pain, we lived the happiness and we lived the dreams."
I told Raymond about her, and he told me to fight for her love. If i feel so much, then there is so much to loose by not fighting for it. I told him i felt that my heart was taken her, broken by her and now it is in pieces because of her!
He simply looked at me and told me something that will have me telling this story to people until i die. In a simple and heartfelt voice Raymond put his hand on my shoulder and said "Mate, Love is like falling down... in the end you're left hurt, scarred, and with a memory of it forever. Without falling down though, you would never know it was possible."
Her message stopped me in my steps. I dropped to my knees and allowed tears to leave my face. It said she cant sleep, she cannot eat, she cant do anything without thinking of me. She said she wanted to work things out but take it slow and see where it takes us. She needs alot of 'her' time and she cant see herself doing that without 'us' time as well.
She asked me to ring her after she finished work to talk, and i did. We talked about the highs and lows, we argued a little because were both stubborn and she took my breath away with each challenge she laid down for me. Listening to her on the phone just made me think about holding her. Having her cute hands linked to mine. She asked me if i was free that night, and we organised to see a beautiful girlie movie called 'Definitely Maybe'.
Our date was picture perfect, it was as though nothing was wrong. We had rekindled the love again without a hitch. Raymond's words still ringing in the back of my mind i held her until am that night. She placed her head under my neck and i held her right hand with my left, fingers weaved within mine, and my right arm hugging her and running my fingers up and down her back.
She decided to leave before the sun came up because she had work the next day, and then she asked me to join her on a road trip to visit one of her best friends. This girl lived down the coast, and they had met through working together. I agreed to go not knowing what it would mean....
Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I dont have....