Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The voice inside

She locked away your heart,
Filled it up with concrete.
Took away your dreams,
Dreams only bring you sorrow.
Listen to your mind
no need to talk around
our life is going down
i hate the way you make me feel
dont want to chase after you
cant take it anymore
no more.
Saw you walk out the door
I lied to myself saying,
i don't need you
i don't want you

dont want to lose my self in the look in your eyes
just want to be free from your lies
cant wait till you leave from now on ill be free
i will redeem myself and listen to no one else
i will find myself and not lose it agin
i will lose this broken soul and gain a new
and prove to you that i don't need you
-By Lee-Sol: emailed to me about this blog. Thank you for your support, and reading. -The Flawed one

I felt i could see her, even though the pain was tremendous.
I was sitting in my room dressed in black pale as white cold as death all my hopes drift by like dark dreams. I look up
at my own eyes. They resemble black mirros of the day as my willpower allows a crimson tear to fall down my face.I sit alone thinking how only one sentence got me here, after waiting for what seemed my whole life, I thought today would be a bright new day, with her. Instead it is a new day, without her, without us. I imagined when I asked for forever I would be making her happy, not giving her reasons to be without me. Maybe i was worng? Maybe i did not judge her feelings correctly. I rarely second guess my feelings, I rarely feel confused about feeling. How can i be wrong about what is inside of me? How can i misunderstand all the things she said? Was she lying? I looked at myself, and judged my withering reflection as though an inner monologue was judging me in tattered words made for destruction and built poetically to make the pain greater. How can such a confusion colour my eyes? I heard the voice speaking.

He felt as though he posessed a harmful mouth but can't open it. It's been sewn shut by the lies of others. He blonks to release more water. He blinks his marble black eyes as he stands up but has no movement real to a memory, rather a drift from one place to another. He touches his cheek he has a mouth a nose and eyes, he sees they are there. He imagines them falling off his face. Happines sprouts from his misery. Spiders surround him as memories and design a picture of the obvious. The tears grow rapidly and they too turn into spiders. Their legs quickly sprout and start to crawl all over the mirros, weaving between the glass. He puts his hand on the refelction, his cheek, his eyes. He notes his fingers have no nails so they bleed and leave murderous streeks down his cheek the blood falls to the floor on a white tiles, he watches the drops with his eyes. He's eyes regain a realistic focus and he looks back up to see an empty bathroom. His face is normal, the spiders have vanished. The drops of blood have moved, his hands are as he remembers them. This cruel fantasy that grew for the moment disturbed him. Shaken, he begins to think he needs to snap out of this. He has to move on.

He begins walking downstairs, skateboard in his right hand, bandana tightly weaved through his left hand, a distant beeping weaves into his single frames of thought. It is the message tone he assigned to her. He drops his skateboard, he clenches his bandana and runs to his room from where the sound has travelled from. He raises his phone and slides the screen to unlock it. The message long but straight to the point says something he didnt expect, he sees a tear leaving his face and meeting the phone in the distance. He wipes the tear from the screen and reads on. He drops to his knees as the message clearly speaks to him....

"Like a flower we live to bloom some flowers are brighter then others some are frail too but remember a flower loses its pedals like any other flower". -Me

Friday, August 21, 2009

Undelivered Mail.

I wrote her many letters during our time together. All those letters have reminded me each amazing step in our collection of moments. All that writing has brought this story together for me. I have written a goodbye letter and re worded it nearly a million times. This was re written again yesterday. It's scratched up from the ltter i wrote one year ago.
This was it. I never sent it, until now. I am always intrugued knowing that it takes a minute to say hello, but forever to say goodbye. This is my goodbye letter to her.

If you are reading this then it means I actually worked up the courage to send it. So good for me. Maybe sometimes i feel that you dont know me very well, but if you get me started i have a tendency to go on and on about how hard the writing an the music is for me. But this...
This is the hardest thing i've ever had to write. There's no easy way to say this, so ill just say it. I met someone. It was an accident, and she is from my past. I wasn't looking for it, I wasn't on the make.
It was a perfect storm. She said one thing, i said another. Next thing i knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut. She might be the one.

She is completely nuts in a way that makes me smile. Highly neurotic. A great deal of maintenance required.

She is you.

That's the good news. The bad is that i don't know how to be with you right now. And that scares ther shit our of me. Because if im not with you right now, i have this feeling we'll get lost out there. Its a big bad world full of twists and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment...

...the moment that could've changed everything.

I dont know what's going on with us, and i can't tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me, but damn you feel good. You feel like home, and you poor a good beer, that's gotta count for something right?
I hope we don't become like passing ships in the night. All I ask is that if this is goodbye then don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

Faithfully Yours

“Never say goodbye when you still want to try, never give up when you still feel you can't take it. Never say you don't love the person anymore when you can't let go.”

Monday, August 17, 2009

Too perfect for the pure white

"The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller
Spending time with her made me feel. The emotion was uncontroled, undeniable and unpredictable. Amazing things rarely appear, they are like miracles. Only believed by a fair few and experienced rarely. This feeling of simple closeness was impossible to explain with mere words, but emersion in it was the closest to heaven a human could experience.

We spent many days together, many nights. I was confident when I asked her to be one, the answer would be one also. However it was all but that. I asked her to be mine and she did not want to rush into the formality of a title. For me it felt as though it was an obvious step, and if i really meant that much to her then a simple title between us would not change anything. Unfortunately it changed us. She immediately turned cold and distant and suggested we go our seperate way. She felt we were rushing things and it was best for both of us to forget about this. She collected her things and left me on valentines night, the sweet irony.

I was devastated and destraught by the sudden turn we had encountered, She left me at home with tears, dwelling in thought wondering what i did wrong. Maybe I cared too much? Maybe this was her way of getting back at me for what happened when we were teenagers. Goodbye is a horrible concept. It is something that drains your every emotion it taps in to every fibre of your being. Sometimes the mind escapes to a moment when the connection between us felt unbreakable. You feel justified in the pain and dwelling in it feels right because since love has left pain has replaced the gap where that feeling once lived. The relationship that was once a shield from the world you hated now becomes the bullet hurting you and the push towards the horrible world yet again.

She and I are very stubourn people, and at this point in our story we both had not seen a way to overcome our personality trait. After she left I had not heard from her for a few days, properly anyways. Everything was single word text messages. So i gave up for now. Lost in a deadly feeling i began to let her go. Our goodbyes have been a feeling ive always hated. I never want to experience it, and still it kills me. My love for her was neverending, and I still feel it. Ive never stopped. The love was perfect and i worked for it to last, she looked for flaws in it to escape it. She may disagree, but it's just what i felt, it is just what i feel.

"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away." - Dorothy Parker

One afternoon I was at University studying when my phone flashed blue. It meant i received a text message. My heart missed a beat as i read it....


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Emotion is Blood in the Water

Last night i sat here about to upload the next entry. It did not feel right.
The time did not feel right. The reason is fading from my life. So all I have to offer in writing is this truth that nothng can touch. No one can corrupt. these words. This is my dream, my real nightmare of this place...
I dont want you to like it.
But i hope your understand.

The girls on the streets all look sad in this gold encrusted little town
Why is that?
Isn't this the town of dreams?
It might be... But it comes with a price,
It's a town that never does anything and yet takes all the credit.
A place that promises so much,
But never has a thing to say,
Or a care in the world.

There is no memory here,
No dream for itself but the dreams of others,
And all over the world you talk of a place you've only seen in re-runs.
Immortalized for it's vice, and deified for it's carnage.
There's money in the air there?
All you have to do is reach up and grab it...sure
In basements, garages, parking lots, empty lots, schoolyards, town cars, backrooms and more,
Diamonds are fashioned from expectations and fortified on a steady diet,
of simple lives and red carpets.

The ejaculating Zeitgeist in night vision
Culture is a punch line and emotion is blood in the water
The sharks here play games you can't fathom.
But you flock here anyway
On borrowed money and credit cards,
Spend a week bull shitting yourself that it was all true!
All of it,
Just to watch in horror as it all falls to pieces under the gravity of reality
The starry eyes fade as it dawns on you
Nothing is guaranteed
You are a part of the great divide
The chosen or the frozen
Now your mouth's away without a net
Your college money's a collage of debt
and your credit cards are all snapped in fucking half
time to wander a landscape bereft of mercy
This is now the back lot of your failed movie
A waking dream re-written without your permission
The real luster, the soft focus, the...
Soap opera vision is just the hindsight of a world who's been lied to
Of sad surfs and untouchable lords
You took a chance didn't you?
But chance didn't have a par for you this time around, maybe next life
And you can't even walk home
The girls on the streets all look sad in this cardboard cut-out little town
It's not a shock.
That's the only thing here that's real
The gold is for fools
And paradise is lost but the hungry have never bothered with the cost
Day by day they fall away like rose petals,
Like ink that won't dry or fade
It just runs wild down cracks and crevices, grooves and folds.
This blood is in the water
and the demon comes closer to see me,
It speaks of memories that make me realise, i am worthless to this world.

Thank you...