Thursday, July 9, 2009

Starting to heal the point we ended

Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. ~Kay Knudsen

Valentines day was always a sensitive area for her, since our first valentines day together i did something foolish and silly. I broke her heart, because i was mislead to believe she was breaking mine behind my back. I was wrong to listen to other people and not to her, but i did what i did, it was a childish thing to do, but in my defence, back then we were children, but our love was real. The way i looked into her eyes then is the way i would look at her now, beyond her stare i would delve into the depth of her soul and make her pain mine. I can look into her eyes and celebrate her happiness and within a moment of her mood change i can feel the heavy burden of an agony unimaginable and shared as ours. Bringing up valentines day in a conversation allowed me to dive into the pain i caused to a teenager. Although i was not there i could just think back and imagine her excitement prior to that first valentines day together and the heart break she felt that i caused. The image of her crying on that day took the beauty of that day away from me since then, and the way she spoke about it these days, it felt as though the feeling was mutual. We both felt like we were wronged. Never having discussed the motives behind my action never gave her that valentines day closure.

We sat in my bed conversing. It was a week until valentines day, and the subject came up. She told me since our first heartbreaking valentines day she, like me had not celebrated or embraced the day since. We discussed both sides of the spectrum and realised the misconceptions we both had adopted at the time. Like a Beetles song we were both wondering what all these words meant. I proposed a simple request. A chance to make up for the valentines day i had taken away from her heart. I asked her for a chance to return the meaning of the day’s meaning to her, even though it is a heavily cliched day. She declined any invitation to celebrate the day. I begged her to accept at the very least a chance to simply have an evening we could remember. She wanted time to think about it, so i allowed her that freedom, as i didn't want to rush her to make a decision, because it brought the evil out in her.

The next afternoon she asked me to go shopping with her in to the city mall to pick out a dress for a wedding she was attending. We went shopping to various stores, wondering around on a stomach full of McDonalds junk food. She dragged me into a dress store where she swiftly weaved between shelves to find something that caught her eye. She picked out two or three indian style dresses that she wanted to try on. She asked me to follow her to offer my opinion on which one looked best, little did i know this dress would be worn by her on two very special occasions on our journey.

The whole time i was waiting for her i was thinking about what i could do for valentines day, and what i could buy her to mean something. I knew the gift would be small, as to not scare her off but significant enough to touch her soul. Valentines day is a funny day, it is hated by people in unhappy relationships, ridiculed by single people and overlooked by married or bored people. Last valentines day was one year since our first valentines day, at night when i laid in bed and closed my eyes, i saw her face, much like many nights in the last few years of my complicated life.

I never understood why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day.  When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon! I was thinking many different things in that female fashion store until i heard a little voice speaking my name,i followed it’s direction to the fitting rooms. She merged from the curtain like a young curly haired Marilyn Monroe, knowing of her breathtaking beauty but looking nieve about it. As she merged my heart stopped beating and the cheesy dance music in the store faded towards a muting hum. She simply asked ‘how does it look?’ Without acting like a delirious idiot i simply said ;yep...thats a keeper!’ She told me she would trust my decision and purchased the dress. After the mall we decided to return to my home and watch a DVD and spend some time together. Laying on my bed we spoke about various things, tangents would steer us into heated discussions then giggles and romantic sentiment. As Pedro Calderon once said ‘When love is not madness, it is not love’ that was us. In the midst of a passionate kiss approximately a week prior to Valentines day i simply asked, ‘please be mine on valentines day, let me fix the void in your heart and make you believe in this day again’. She looked scared, I clenched her hand and whispered in her ear..’please my love, let me just spoil you for one day’. She agreed without a touch of confidence as we continued to kiss. She pushed me back whilst kissing her and told me she was working during the day. I simply assured her i would work this all out around her work schedule. Which i did.

The next day after University i travelled to a florist near her work and made an arrangement for flowers. I called a special restaurant near our meeting pier and booked a romantic dinner. I had it all planned out in my head, and i knew this would save her heart’s longing for that one special day.

Before i knew it it was the morning of Valentines day, i was nervous and then i received the first message from her which made my heart stop.

When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.  ~Natalie Clifford Barney


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