Saturday, July 11, 2009
My letter of truth
We loved with a love that was more than love. ~Edgar Allan Poe
I did not expect to publish my memoirs, nor my entries for my last twelve months but here i am. The following is not a continuation from the last entry, but a true moment of honesty and humble fear. This was an entry i wrote in my lyrics book the night before valentines day 2008. Word for word feeling by feeling. Funny that i have thought this way many times since.
I am laying here, the night before Valentines day and i am nervous. I have thrown up twice and i feel quite weak. Why? It is simple, but if only i could tell her in a single letter or engage the topic within one singular conversation i would. She is amazing, tommorrow needs to be the night of our life. A reason for her to realise we are meant to be and this unpredictable and exciting relationship will be worth while. However, everything i do that is right I feel as though im competing for her love compared to his. I feel as though i am helping her heal through her grief, fight through the pain and she will leave me and be his again. It is hard being in a relationship and hoping not to slip up in case she moves on to him. This feeling in the pit of my stomach makes me think I cannot challenge her. Everytime her phone beeps i know its him, simply by the way shelooks at her phone.
I can't say I can compare to what they had or have, my only certainty is the difference i offer. My love is real, unconditional, pure and unbreakable. I know the world offers many options but I also know that what we have is something that will only continue to improve with time. My worry; her killing our time before we get the chance. I know we can grow, i know we can be the couple know are in love simply because when we look into each other's eyes we drift away to the land of 'us'. I dont want to compete for her love.I dont want to be a plan b or a little secret. I just want her trust in me. This should explain my heart:
Remember all the times that we used to play?
You were lost and I would save you.
I don't think those feelings will ever fade,
You were born a part of me.
I was never good at hiding anything,
My thoughts break me!
Do you understand what you mean to me?
You are my faith .
Won't you cure my tragedy?
Don't take her smile away from me
She's broken and I'm far away
Won't you cure my tragedy?
if you make the world a stage for me
then I hope that you can hear me scream
Give me the chance for us to be....
When I sit and think of the days we shared,
and the nights you lied next to me.
Every little thing that I ever did,
You would stand by me.
Everytime you cried it would take my wind,
My heart would break.
If I could be strong like you were for me
Will you be my destiny.
Can you hear me scream?
Just stay in my dream.
I can't take this anymore
I can't feel this anymore
Won't you take and give her pain to me
'Cause my whole life I've made mistakes
“I guess when your heart gets broken you sort of start to see cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us and our mission is never to let it.” -Oscar Wilde