Sunday, July 5, 2009

Moving with Music

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Eight years ago i was reminded of an old story of the ‘Gone with the Wind’ kind, the old sailor in the bar looking over in the direction of the pretty girl and saying to his mate ‘see that girl, one day im going to marry that girl!’. Laying here in my living room with my dog Mafia, im reminded that there is one sure certainty in life, that planning for a moment or expecting it you are always assured that it wont happen. It is the unexpected that is always perfect. Marshall and Lily’s olive theory is always correct; don't know what im talking about? Watch ‘How i met your mother’; season one episode one.

A first kiss is like the perfect puzzle. It sometimes puts every piece in it’s place and you know what the picture will look like, or it scrambles every single piece and it challenges both of you to piece together the picture that could be. This first kiss scrambled all of the pieces. Im still putting pieces together, and i have no idea on what the picture will look like. Not even slightly.

The time we had spent together on a social level was like we had never been apart. I knew it couldn’t get better than this. When we were first together back in our teens we rushed many aspects of the relationship. We were only kids, and we fell in love fast. We were attached at the hip as kids. I would drop her off at Mcdonalds and patiently wait for her to finish her shift so i could see her again. The sexiest part of our relationship was when she wore her tracksuit pants and was grumpy because she needed sleep.

We lay down in my single bed, i couldn't sleep, i was mesmerised at how someone could move me with every breath. Every moment was like a chemical rush acquired from substances designed to enforce happiness, she was a drug, a perfect addiction i was unable to control. She never had a problem falling asleep, unless she couldn't find me in the bed, she always raised her head and looked around with squinted eyes and hum ‘baby?’...i always found my way back to her calls.

Upon seeing her eyes a second time i expected her to flash in and out of my life like a shooting star, but things were starting to move towards something more, something we always dreamed of as kids. Upon a single kiss we explored a world surreal in feeling and fictional in fantasy. It seemed as though life together as an ‘us’ was only just commencing. Since our reconciliation our connection was strong but up until this point, never sexual. A certain feeling that day between us painted the picture of that connection, but like our relationship, this was not a black and white action, it was a challenging and remarkable event that not only effected us both as people, but allowed further growth between us.

We had put off taking our relationship to this next level of consecutiveness until we were both ready. Keeping our hands off each other was always a tricky thing to manage, as we were insatiable for each other. This night was amazing as it was our first time together as adults, so we were connecting physically, emotionally and our minds realised what this meant, however i don't think either of us realised how big this step would be in our story. We were both comfortable with each other and i trusted her, my heart my body and my soul. Our love had only intensified with time, tonight brought us together on a passionate plato.

We laid down and flicked on a dvd and began watching. She laid her head on my chest as i held her close to me, calmly resting my hand on her warm back moving with her every breath. Our hand weaved together as she gradually moved her face in to the gap between my neck and collar bone, we named this gap the ‘nook’. Laying down she began moving her face towards mine. She looked deep in to my eyes and cornered my soul. Our lips locked in a kiss as my heart beat increased. I was consumed in the feel of her skin as she kissed me passionately, the natural progression of making love saw us moving together gently and lovingly. As we moved together like music rests on a beat in a serene connection, her eyes were not taken away from my stare, our hands remained clenched together and our minds were free while our hearts were beating together. Her skin was outlined in a subtle white glow, a perfect combination of the moonlight and sweat. I looked away for a moment to seek the remote control for my stereo. When i looked back in to her eyes she began crying.

She was scared, although she did not tell me i could see it in her eyes. She asked me if we could stop, and i immediately did. I was scared i had done something wrong, something to hurt her, something to cause her to feel like i was not to be trusted. We spoke about the situation, and the awkwardness she felt in that moment due to a rough time she had before we got back together, i understood and was worried about her. I felt we could work through this and i devoted my time to finding ways to not ignore her issues or troubles, but deal with them and help her heal through the pain. As we spoke i realised i wanted to be there for the hard times, for the good times and accept every problem as mine as well as hers. Her recent ordeal had made her heart fragile, and it was time to work through it all together, however the next few days brought forward a spanner in the works i did not expect. Evidently the news i was about to hear would break my spirit ...

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