Monday, July 20, 2009

Baby Teeth

the wind it blows.
Wind it seems to always know.
I can taste it that i found you.
My mouth is drowning in you.
The edge is hurling at you,
and im upside down, baby im upside down.

Would you be my valentine?
I'll paint you red, like friends of mine
And would you be my valentine?
I know im not perfect.
But it's raining down,
and im lying on the ground

And all my windows are fogged,
Im cutting up every thought i've had.
It's sharp here where i stand,
And i misbehave on every command.
Oh but i dont want to hurt you,
I just want to keep you.
Alright i'll touch you, because i dont belong
baby, i dont belong.

Would you bother to chase me,
because im running.
Would you bother to take a chance,
knowing it can change everything?
If you dont, you wont feel anything else in the dark,
and we will fall out like baby teeth.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

My Valentine

Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.
- Sean Connery

Every February, across the country, teddy bears, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this day which is loved, hated and frowned upon by many.

The history of Valentine's Day and the saint it was named after is shrouded in mystery as i researched it for this entry. A certainty i can offer is that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. For me it is a month containing a day I never looked forward to.

So, who was St Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognises at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentines, all of whom were martyred. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men, (ahh the beauties of a simpler time) his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realising the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl; who may have been his jailor's daughter; who visited him during his confinement. I discovered that it is believed that before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today.

There are many different stories and the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasise his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France. The discovery of the truth was not important, but interesting to me, it helped me understand the global understanding for this day, and that is to celebrate love and it’s long forgotten truth. Love is thrown around too much these days, therefore saying it to her brought forth a meaning deeper than any dark pit, any longing and a satisfaction to any craving. In life you do things, you say things that mean something to you and you hope they mean the same to the recipient. I believe the emotional vulnerability that Valentines day allows a person open up to allows every lover to become a poet.

The flower arrangement i had ordered reached her and she sent me a messaged expressing how embarrassed she was but how special and amazing she felt. She told me she was taking herself home that day to prepare for our valentines dinner. I told myself in my mind that tonight would be the most amazing night of my life, however i found out something that would prove valuable in our future; planning, over planning or trying to make a moment perfect would always cause chaos. It is part of the challenge of love. Living for the moment and learning by every moment that doesn't go to plan. It always scared me how everything could plan out so perfect in my mind but it could crumble so perfectly at the same time. It is like loving the rain, but drowning in it when it arrives. It is a beautiful disaster, this is what our valentines day was.

She rang me asking me what we were doing so she knew how to dress. I simply told her to dress as if she was going to classy restaurant. A quiver in her voice as she hung up to get ready made feel as though she was really nervous and unsure about this. I understood why, considering this may allow her to feel more than she does about this day. I picked up my phone and messaged her “Don't be nervous, this day is for you. Just get ready and head over here...i miss you x”

She messaged me back saying she was nervous and confessed she was having second thoughts about agreeing on coming on the valentine dinner. We messaged each other back and forth, i always assuring her it was all going to be fine. I believed it would be, the plan in my mind was humble and created by my heart simply to touch her heart. She confirmed she was arriving at my house within 45 minutes, which was perfect timing. I ran downstairs and spoke to my mum about where she and my step dad where going for their valentines dinner. They were returning to the place which they loved and it was the place where they got engaged. It was cute, and i wished them a great night before i began to motion towards the stairs to go and get ready for my night. As i was walking away my mum called my name to regain my attention. I turned to face her to hear her say a simple sentence which offered me the warmest feeling.
“Its good to see you are finally truly happy”

I thanked my mum and went upstairs to have a shower and get ready. My parents had left and i was all prepared for the night. The door bell rang and i motioned downstairs and buzzed her in. I waited for her at the door. She arrived dressed casual, but her hair and make up was done. She gave me a kiss and asked if she could use my room to get changed. I agreed and returned to the bathroom to turn the music off. She called me in and her voice said as i was walking towards the room “can you please clip my pearls for me”.

I walked into the room and she was standing there wearing the dress she had tried on in that woman’s fashion store that took my breath away. As i stood there in her presence all i could see was a wife. A mother. A best friend. Someone i could share a fun, exciting unexpected house and family with. It scared me, but made me feel secure about who we were and what we had. Love was enough because it painted a picture and the scenery was sketched in around us. I had waited all my life for her, i never gave up. Her scorching eyes burned into my heart and she simply spoke with her eyes, they gently said “i feel beautiful...for you”. I caressed her shoulders and softly kissed her neck. I whispered in her ear how breathtaking she looked. I felt weak breathing the same air with her as I was captivated by how rare I felt in a sense of reality weaved with fantasy.

We went downstairs jumped into my car and made our way to the restaurant i had chosen because of two reasons; firstly she was a food buff and needed something to cater for her love of food. Secondly because it was near the pier where we started this love and it was a romantic spot. We had our dinner holding hands and slightly sipping wine. She ate with such pleasure, her eyes judged the food as she moved the food in her mouth to melt amongst the layers. She gave a small groan with each approval followed by a verbal remark at how good the food was. That made me smile, even though she made me try salmon, my least favourite type of seafood. Our eyes did not leave each others, only momentarily to observe the people around us, for any possible ridicule or mocking that could be done.

We completed our meal and she did the cutest thing, she sent her compliments to the chef. Her love for the industry was always apparent and it is something i quietly embraced and respected about her, and i still do. We left and went for a small visit to our pier in Shellharbour. We sat in the cool wind listening to the ocean crashing as the moon smiled on the water with a serene light that makes atheists believe in God. "In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities." - Janos Arnay

The night was perfect. Our connection was true and nothing and no one could say or see otherwise. I never even thought i would be here. I held her hands and asked her one simple question which i envisioned the answer to be something certain. Leaned towards her and found her eyes in the slight darkness as she curled up into my chest. I held her hands that were twirled on my chest. I leaned towards her as i delivered the question which was a simple whisper that echoed and travelled in the beauty of the night to cause the twist in the valentines night to make her feel, to make me feel. I asked her...


Saturday, July 11, 2009

My letter of truth

We loved with a love that was more than love. ~Edgar Allan Poe

I did not expect to publish my memoirs, nor my entries for my last twelve months but here i am. The following is not a continuation from the last entry, but a true moment of honesty and humble fear. This was an entry i wrote in my lyrics book the night before valentines day 2008. Word for word feeling by feeling. Funny that i have thought this way many times since.

I am laying here, the night before Valentines day and i am nervous. I have thrown up twice and i feel quite weak. Why? It is simple, but if only i could tell her in a single letter or engage the topic within one singular conversation i would. She is amazing, tommorrow needs to be the night of our life. A reason for her to realise we are meant to be and this unpredictable and exciting relationship will be worth while. However, everything i do that is right I feel as though im competing for her love compared to his. I feel as though i am helping her heal through her grief, fight through the pain and she will leave me and be his again. It is hard being in a relationship and hoping not to slip up in case she moves on to him. This feeling in the pit of my stomach makes me think I cannot challenge her. Everytime her phone beeps i know its him, simply by the way shelooks at her phone.

I can't say I can compare to what they had or have, my only certainty is the difference i offer. My love is real, unconditional, pure and unbreakable. I know the world offers many options but I also know that what we have is something that will only continue to improve with time. My worry; her killing our time before we get the chance. I know we can grow, i know we can be the couple know are in love simply because when we look into each other's eyes we drift away to the land of 'us'. I dont want to compete for her love.I dont want to be a plan b or a little secret. I just want her trust in me. This should explain my heart:

Remember all the times that we used to play?
You were lost and I would save you.
I don't think those feelings will ever fade,
You were born a part of me.
I was never good at hiding anything,
My thoughts break me!
Do you understand what you mean to me?
You are my faith .

Won't you cure my tragedy?
Don't take her smile away from me
She's broken and I'm far away

Won't you cure my tragedy?
if you make the world a stage for me
then I hope that you can hear me scream
Give me the chance for us to be....

When I sit and think of the days we shared,
and the nights you lied next to me.
Every little thing that I ever did,
You would stand by me.
Everytime you cried it would take my wind,
My heart would break.
If I could be strong like you were for me
Will you be my destiny.

Can you hear me scream?
Just stay in my dream.

I can't take this anymore
I can't feel this anymore
Won't you take and give her pain to me
'Cause my whole life I've made mistakes

“I guess when your heart gets broken you sort of start to see cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us and our mission is never to let it.” -Oscar Wilde

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Starting to heal the point we ended

Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. ~Kay Knudsen

Valentines day was always a sensitive area for her, since our first valentines day together i did something foolish and silly. I broke her heart, because i was mislead to believe she was breaking mine behind my back. I was wrong to listen to other people and not to her, but i did what i did, it was a childish thing to do, but in my defence, back then we were children, but our love was real. The way i looked into her eyes then is the way i would look at her now, beyond her stare i would delve into the depth of her soul and make her pain mine. I can look into her eyes and celebrate her happiness and within a moment of her mood change i can feel the heavy burden of an agony unimaginable and shared as ours. Bringing up valentines day in a conversation allowed me to dive into the pain i caused to a teenager. Although i was not there i could just think back and imagine her excitement prior to that first valentines day together and the heart break she felt that i caused. The image of her crying on that day took the beauty of that day away from me since then, and the way she spoke about it these days, it felt as though the feeling was mutual. We both felt like we were wronged. Never having discussed the motives behind my action never gave her that valentines day closure.

We sat in my bed conversing. It was a week until valentines day, and the subject came up. She told me since our first heartbreaking valentines day she, like me had not celebrated or embraced the day since. We discussed both sides of the spectrum and realised the misconceptions we both had adopted at the time. Like a Beetles song we were both wondering what all these words meant. I proposed a simple request. A chance to make up for the valentines day i had taken away from her heart. I asked her for a chance to return the meaning of the day’s meaning to her, even though it is a heavily cliched day. She declined any invitation to celebrate the day. I begged her to accept at the very least a chance to simply have an evening we could remember. She wanted time to think about it, so i allowed her that freedom, as i didn't want to rush her to make a decision, because it brought the evil out in her.

The next afternoon she asked me to go shopping with her in to the city mall to pick out a dress for a wedding she was attending. We went shopping to various stores, wondering around on a stomach full of McDonalds junk food. She dragged me into a dress store where she swiftly weaved between shelves to find something that caught her eye. She picked out two or three indian style dresses that she wanted to try on. She asked me to follow her to offer my opinion on which one looked best, little did i know this dress would be worn by her on two very special occasions on our journey.

The whole time i was waiting for her i was thinking about what i could do for valentines day, and what i could buy her to mean something. I knew the gift would be small, as to not scare her off but significant enough to touch her soul. Valentines day is a funny day, it is hated by people in unhappy relationships, ridiculed by single people and overlooked by married or bored people. Last valentines day was one year since our first valentines day, at night when i laid in bed and closed my eyes, i saw her face, much like many nights in the last few years of my complicated life.

I never understood why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day.  When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon! I was thinking many different things in that female fashion store until i heard a little voice speaking my name,i followed it’s direction to the fitting rooms. She merged from the curtain like a young curly haired Marilyn Monroe, knowing of her breathtaking beauty but looking nieve about it. As she merged my heart stopped beating and the cheesy dance music in the store faded towards a muting hum. She simply asked ‘how does it look?’ Without acting like a delirious idiot i simply said ;yep...thats a keeper!’ She told me she would trust my decision and purchased the dress. After the mall we decided to return to my home and watch a DVD and spend some time together. Laying on my bed we spoke about various things, tangents would steer us into heated discussions then giggles and romantic sentiment. As Pedro Calderon once said ‘When love is not madness, it is not love’ that was us. In the midst of a passionate kiss approximately a week prior to Valentines day i simply asked, ‘please be mine on valentines day, let me fix the void in your heart and make you believe in this day again’. She looked scared, I clenched her hand and whispered in her ear..’please my love, let me just spoil you for one day’. She agreed without a touch of confidence as we continued to kiss. She pushed me back whilst kissing her and told me she was working during the day. I simply assured her i would work this all out around her work schedule. Which i did.

The next day after University i travelled to a florist near her work and made an arrangement for flowers. I called a special restaurant near our meeting pier and booked a romantic dinner. I had it all planned out in my head, and i knew this would save her heart’s longing for that one special day.

Before i knew it it was the morning of Valentines day, i was nervous and then i received the first message from her which made my heart stop.

When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.  ~Natalie Clifford Barney


Sunday, July 5, 2009

Moving with Music

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Eight years ago i was reminded of an old story of the ‘Gone with the Wind’ kind, the old sailor in the bar looking over in the direction of the pretty girl and saying to his mate ‘see that girl, one day im going to marry that girl!’. Laying here in my living room with my dog Mafia, im reminded that there is one sure certainty in life, that planning for a moment or expecting it you are always assured that it wont happen. It is the unexpected that is always perfect. Marshall and Lily’s olive theory is always correct; don't know what im talking about? Watch ‘How i met your mother’; season one episode one.

A first kiss is like the perfect puzzle. It sometimes puts every piece in it’s place and you know what the picture will look like, or it scrambles every single piece and it challenges both of you to piece together the picture that could be. This first kiss scrambled all of the pieces. Im still putting pieces together, and i have no idea on what the picture will look like. Not even slightly.

The time we had spent together on a social level was like we had never been apart. I knew it couldn’t get better than this. When we were first together back in our teens we rushed many aspects of the relationship. We were only kids, and we fell in love fast. We were attached at the hip as kids. I would drop her off at Mcdonalds and patiently wait for her to finish her shift so i could see her again. The sexiest part of our relationship was when she wore her tracksuit pants and was grumpy because she needed sleep.

We lay down in my single bed, i couldn't sleep, i was mesmerised at how someone could move me with every breath. Every moment was like a chemical rush acquired from substances designed to enforce happiness, she was a drug, a perfect addiction i was unable to control. She never had a problem falling asleep, unless she couldn't find me in the bed, she always raised her head and looked around with squinted eyes and hum ‘baby?’...i always found my way back to her calls.

Upon seeing her eyes a second time i expected her to flash in and out of my life like a shooting star, but things were starting to move towards something more, something we always dreamed of as kids. Upon a single kiss we explored a world surreal in feeling and fictional in fantasy. It seemed as though life together as an ‘us’ was only just commencing. Since our reconciliation our connection was strong but up until this point, never sexual. A certain feeling that day between us painted the picture of that connection, but like our relationship, this was not a black and white action, it was a challenging and remarkable event that not only effected us both as people, but allowed further growth between us.

We had put off taking our relationship to this next level of consecutiveness until we were both ready. Keeping our hands off each other was always a tricky thing to manage, as we were insatiable for each other. This night was amazing as it was our first time together as adults, so we were connecting physically, emotionally and our minds realised what this meant, however i don't think either of us realised how big this step would be in our story. We were both comfortable with each other and i trusted her, my heart my body and my soul. Our love had only intensified with time, tonight brought us together on a passionate plato.

We laid down and flicked on a dvd and began watching. She laid her head on my chest as i held her close to me, calmly resting my hand on her warm back moving with her every breath. Our hand weaved together as she gradually moved her face in to the gap between my neck and collar bone, we named this gap the ‘nook’. Laying down she began moving her face towards mine. She looked deep in to my eyes and cornered my soul. Our lips locked in a kiss as my heart beat increased. I was consumed in the feel of her skin as she kissed me passionately, the natural progression of making love saw us moving together gently and lovingly. As we moved together like music rests on a beat in a serene connection, her eyes were not taken away from my stare, our hands remained clenched together and our minds were free while our hearts were beating together. Her skin was outlined in a subtle white glow, a perfect combination of the moonlight and sweat. I looked away for a moment to seek the remote control for my stereo. When i looked back in to her eyes she began crying.

She was scared, although she did not tell me i could see it in her eyes. She asked me if we could stop, and i immediately did. I was scared i had done something wrong, something to hurt her, something to cause her to feel like i was not to be trusted. We spoke about the situation, and the awkwardness she felt in that moment due to a rough time she had before we got back together, i understood and was worried about her. I felt we could work through this and i devoted my time to finding ways to not ignore her issues or troubles, but deal with them and help her heal through the pain. As we spoke i realised i wanted to be there for the hard times, for the good times and accept every problem as mine as well as hers. Her recent ordeal had made her heart fragile, and it was time to work through it all together, however the next few days brought forward a spanner in the works i did not expect. Evidently the news i was about to hear would break my spirit ...