Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Just see what happens

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
- Sam Keen

Lately i have done alot of thinking. I think so much that i can not sleep. A slight cure to this insomnia has been alcohol, unhealthy and self destructive, bur i digress. Like many moments in the last year of my life, some i wish i could forget and the demons from these bad times to be washed away by happy memories, however, bad numbers outweigh the good. Such is life, i dont complain, i just reflect and learn, i hope.

One surreal memory tattoed within me was the perfectly painted clenched hands I held that beautiful night. I held her so tight, after so many years. I spoke with a free and honest tongue. A tongue belonging to a dead man i had forgotten about that died with her one night many years ago. This man was ressurected and present tonight. He died a boy with mistakes, now he lives as a man with lessons learned, so i thought.

Here we were. older, heavy at heart and broken people. One thing we knew was that this and all our moments were not controlled by us. It is pure bliss just allowing yourself to be loved and in return love in awe. We sat there still anticipating a series of words i had requested to offer, saltier than the sweat from a sweet tear, glistened as the sun rose. How would i say this? How would she know? How could i say it perfectly?

I lightened my eyes, and felt the tension build in my chest as the muscles pushed my heart back. I felt a thump in my chest, which i understood as my pulse, while my mind convinced my body this was the end of the search of something worth holding. I navigated my eyes from the humble street's percepted picture offered externally of this space amongst seats, buttons and leather. These witnesses, objects, paraphenalea and a sun rising saw me whisper the words I had waited to offer her since the last time i saw her pretty smile.

As I felt my mouth go dry from the adrenaline i looked her in the eye and realised everything. I could have asked her to marry me in that moment and know i could have never looked back. The colour of her eyes painted a scene others may have seen as a wall, but those windows told me everything, which in turn helped me find the words to say. I asked her for one more chance. One more day together, one more reason NOT to walk away from this bliss we thought was a crush, because if this was a crush, then surely it would have faded my now. 'Be mine for another day, please?'

Her initial reaction was shock and an undeniable refusal due to our past, however her ressiliance fueled me to give her reasons as to why one day would not be a mistake. She took a long look at my eyes and came to agree. She asked me if i was free after my lecture at Uni. I replied assuring her my day was dedicated entirelly to her, and i would have to forfit another art lecture on a thursday morning at uni. She said she wanted to go and get some rest and i agreed to do the same. She gave me a gentle and cute kiss and stepped out of my car. As she motioned to shut the car door she looked at me with a stripped down smile bearing her soul and vulnerability in a humanly compassionate way and simply said;

'Don't break my heart again'

As i looked at her i remained strong to avoid a tear escaping my eyes, and agreed with a nod as she walked away towards the side gate entry of her house. As i watched her safely enter her home, i started my car and began to drive home. I simply began thinking about what I could do to make her feel real. I wanted her to see that love should be challenging, suprising, unexpected, rare and most of all it should be like a perfect soundtrack, every moment good or bad, like every song, is there for a reason. My daze continued until the hour when she sent me a text message offering me a time in the afternoon to try and remind her what this is, what this was. The plan was clear in my head, however I didn't expect to forget every single step when i saw her face that afternoon. Vivid the memory of seeing her walking towards me on our first date, again....

“Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”

--Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw

to be continued.....

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