Monday, June 29, 2009

In a world of Black and White she was the only one in colour

The initial feelings associated with love were almost like an ocean wave in their intensity, acting as the magnetic force that drew two people together. I can say it was possible to be washed away in the emotion, but the wave wouldn’t last forever. It couldn’t – nor was it meant to be – but if two people were right for each other, a truer kind of love could last forever in its wake. In the end, it’s would work out because we both want it to. As long as we have that, we make it through anything. Today was the outcome of making it through anything, and everything. Hatered, heartbreak, betrayal, seperate lives, ambitions and dreams. We sat there, phones off, the world surrounding us in a way that romantic writers paint inside their minds. The gentle movement between us was subtle and intense, only in the way we could convey and undeniably create without any effort. As the game of back and forth continued there was a still amongst this. She slowly looked up and smiled, she took my hand, and bit her bottom lip gently. I looked down at her little hand and grinned, as she tried to hide her petite fingers away so i couldn't see the frustrated attacks her fingernails had experienced. She looked in to my eyes and asked me what I was thinking about. I answered with confidence, like a marksman taking aim for a sure shot.

'You' i said with a crackling voice showing her signs of my fear for the cliche's response. She seemed to believe me, she held my hand tighter and said it. When she finally said it, all the terrible parts suddenly went away – all the frustration and anger and fear that both of us were experiencing or had experienced. I remember how excited I was – you can’t even begin to imagine it. I wanted to hear it over and over. She told me that even after all we had gone through and however many trials and tribulations we faced we were still as passionate as we were that first day way back when.

There are imperfections in every beautiful work of art. Cracks in the paint, chips in the corner or even a smudged section where it was evident that it was not intended. The cracks in this picture emerged slowly but surely. Thinking back, from that first day, she was messaging her friend on the way home. I wonder if it was her or him. I remember days later she was excited to hear from the same friend, who was studying architecture at University and later went on to being one of my least confident fans in the parade of this love and in the life of this passion. I always assured myself that i was jealous because i was so into her, and how much she meant to me. The reality was i was too scared to lose her again. The pain, although horrific, was something i shut out and never let anyone near the first time we seperated. Even though i was breaking and falling apart when i first lost her, i dwelled in the pain and enjoyed feeling it, because i knew soon it would fade, and all i would have was a memory of a feeling. I wasnt ready to let go of any feeling, even if at the time it was loss, it was still ours, and it was all i had left.

This first date ended with the worlds most amazing kiss. I still have the kiss. Its kept in a little box under my bed, i call the kiss "Change". The reason for the name was due to the song i wrote about this change in my life. In this song i escape to the sunshine of that day and forget about the rain. I never remember performing it, because i escape the crowd when i speak these words, i return to our world. Im only visiting, and im only watching it like an old black and white film. A place where the rules do not apply. A world i am the real me. Now i apply the mask back on to face the world and offer the plan B version of me. To everyone.

The week following after speaking alot, spending time together eating at Burger King (BLT) and going on little journeys we spent our first night together since we were 16 and 17 years old. This was our first night as adults. The moments in that night were unique and opened up my eyes as we shared so much. The details of that nightfeel like a surreal mystery, which made me realise that in a world of black and white she is the only one in colour...that night we became more....


" The hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let go. At least I thought it was. But in every girl I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong I'd write her another letter. But I never sent them, in fear of what I might find. By then, you'd gone on with your life and I didn't want to think about you loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didn’t want to ever forget that." ~ The Notebook

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every person ought to know. Sometimes something so short can have a lasting affect. Reality is when you feel, not when it makes sense." - Mistinguett

An obvious direction for this entry would be a detailed description of a perfect serene date. Word for word, touch by touch, look by look, kiss by kiss. That would be too cliche and unfortunatelly not the way I saw that day. I will not refer to it as a date, but a day of togetherness, simply because that is what it was. I will desribe the myriad of feelings with an iridescent perception.

That day was amazing. I was awaiting her arrival at the pier, my heart was thumping inside my chest like an African ceremonial drum line. My glasses were clouding due to the temperature increase my adrenalin was causing. I noticed her approaching the pier and i began walking towards her. As we were walking our eyesight was linked in synchroneity. We engaged each other in the first step towards this journey. I felt total certainty or greater certainty than circumstances warranted regarding our connection. I found something, the only thing i had lost in my life, love.

The colours of this union were gentle and pleasing to the eye. Watching our connection as if it were a painting could make anyone believe they want more in life. I was indulged in the beauty of these many moments, and i still crave a day such as it. The painting would be crafted in oil paint with swift loops exentuating her curly hair in the sun light, dark shades to the 'balls' that kept falling on us from the trees, merely fruits of a tree offering the childish connection that unleashed the fun side of our relationship. A dark spot on her face to pin point her little beauty spot i would kiss.

Each gentle touch followed by a soft smile gave me a brighter and warmer feeling than the sun. To be a by-stander this day would have bred jealousy in me. I felt like i was 17 all over again. I wanted to play it cool around her as she disclosed to me her darkest secrets. She bared her soul, and I witnesses her stripped back and flawed. A perfect image made for me, and i turned off the world and became commited only to her. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else existed. Nothing else was needed...she was here.

I saw tears, i felt a clenched heartfelt confession, i saw a look only someone who was broken inside could offer. Maybe i was wrong, but her eyes spoke to me about the world's cold seat for her. I couldn't imaging the pain she had gone through, all i could see was me kissing the tears she cried, unconditionally. Our kiss was gentle and emotinally driven. We waited for so long for this kiss. As the day began to end, time flew past. We had spoken about most things, and it felt as though i had not missed anything all this time.

As i promised to myself i would be true to this blog. That day i walked away happier than ever. I walked away thinking the rumours of having a soulmate were true. A reason. Unfortunatelly i had a sneaking suspicion about something....and what i fould out next day began witheringme away..i had to say goodbye...thats when she said it...i was shocked. i was petrified!!!! Then it came through...''

TO Be continued

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Jump in...

"And in the end, the love you take
Is equal to the love you make."
- John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Upon writing the new entry i digressed and reflected on my life.
In the last year i have seen alot, done alot, lost alot and gained an ever growing jab to this hollowness residing within.
I am not emo, i am not a dreamer.Im a realist, but sometimes i dont know who i am, just what i am becoming.
That first day reminded me of the person i had lost, and writing about it again reminded me of the person i needed to find in me, that i have lost yet again.
Misery does love company, but my misery is scared off by people.
Shakespeare wrote about love and tragety as does a common modern author such as Nicholas Sparks. Love is the premise and demise of most stories, but it's like faith in God. We can feel it, we can speak about it, but we cannot prove it exists. I once believed i could prove love exists, by doing nothing, just being me. That was not enough.

So while i prepare the next entry to my blog about the last year, i will share with you the song that is the soundtrack of the next it lies in my mind, and as it lives in my heart as the beauty in the breakdown.

Jump in...what you waiting for?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Just see what happens

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
- Sam Keen

Lately i have done alot of thinking. I think so much that i can not sleep. A slight cure to this insomnia has been alcohol, unhealthy and self destructive, bur i digress. Like many moments in the last year of my life, some i wish i could forget and the demons from these bad times to be washed away by happy memories, however, bad numbers outweigh the good. Such is life, i dont complain, i just reflect and learn, i hope.

One surreal memory tattoed within me was the perfectly painted clenched hands I held that beautiful night. I held her so tight, after so many years. I spoke with a free and honest tongue. A tongue belonging to a dead man i had forgotten about that died with her one night many years ago. This man was ressurected and present tonight. He died a boy with mistakes, now he lives as a man with lessons learned, so i thought.

Here we were. older, heavy at heart and broken people. One thing we knew was that this and all our moments were not controlled by us. It is pure bliss just allowing yourself to be loved and in return love in awe. We sat there still anticipating a series of words i had requested to offer, saltier than the sweat from a sweet tear, glistened as the sun rose. How would i say this? How would she know? How could i say it perfectly?

I lightened my eyes, and felt the tension build in my chest as the muscles pushed my heart back. I felt a thump in my chest, which i understood as my pulse, while my mind convinced my body this was the end of the search of something worth holding. I navigated my eyes from the humble street's percepted picture offered externally of this space amongst seats, buttons and leather. These witnesses, objects, paraphenalea and a sun rising saw me whisper the words I had waited to offer her since the last time i saw her pretty smile.

As I felt my mouth go dry from the adrenaline i looked her in the eye and realised everything. I could have asked her to marry me in that moment and know i could have never looked back. The colour of her eyes painted a scene others may have seen as a wall, but those windows told me everything, which in turn helped me find the words to say. I asked her for one more chance. One more day together, one more reason NOT to walk away from this bliss we thought was a crush, because if this was a crush, then surely it would have faded my now. 'Be mine for another day, please?'

Her initial reaction was shock and an undeniable refusal due to our past, however her ressiliance fueled me to give her reasons as to why one day would not be a mistake. She took a long look at my eyes and came to agree. She asked me if i was free after my lecture at Uni. I replied assuring her my day was dedicated entirelly to her, and i would have to forfit another art lecture on a thursday morning at uni. She said she wanted to go and get some rest and i agreed to do the same. She gave me a gentle and cute kiss and stepped out of my car. As she motioned to shut the car door she looked at me with a stripped down smile bearing her soul and vulnerability in a humanly compassionate way and simply said;

'Don't break my heart again'

As i looked at her i remained strong to avoid a tear escaping my eyes, and agreed with a nod as she walked away towards the side gate entry of her house. As i watched her safely enter her home, i started my car and began to drive home. I simply began thinking about what I could do to make her feel real. I wanted her to see that love should be challenging, suprising, unexpected, rare and most of all it should be like a perfect soundtrack, every moment good or bad, like every song, is there for a reason. My daze continued until the hour when she sent me a text message offering me a time in the afternoon to try and remind her what this is, what this was. The plan was clear in my head, however I didn't expect to forget every single step when i saw her face that afternoon. Vivid the memory of seeing her walking towards me on our first date, again....

“Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”

--Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw

to be continued.....