Monday, May 18, 2009

Her cute hands

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word.
The coward pushes her away,
The coward is scared of love day to day.
He pushes away the one he wants to stay.
No one can miss
thy first kiss of bliss.
(Oscar Wilde)

Oscar Wilde, a true genious. Discriminated, indeed, but those that knew where his heart was directed will know his words meant the same thing to both genders and any orientation.
I lay here in this cold bed looking for words to write the next part of this story. Simply because tonight i feel so much. An email from a close friend opened my eyes in an indescribable way. For some reason this person, who shall remain unnamed emailed me, without been aware of my blog, which im sure has an audience of 2 (if im lucky! :o ). This person's email brought me back to the first night, which i am in the midle of describing. This person was an observer of the night.
The person emailed me saying that they just wanted to say that they feel the way i did the night when first i saw her, and they were able to understand the song 'Let Go' from my band. The meaning of the lyrics are now aparently evident!
I replied showing happiness for my friend because love is amazing...if it is love. Some people confuse love with passion or lust. The difference is huge, but sometimes our eyes see more than our heart.

To continue describing our second beggining that night in the club is something that makes me smile and at the same time makes me want to take it back, i want to take it back only because i want to have it again! Does that make sense?, i ask myself.

My doubts regarding the end are many, especially since the changes in my outlook of life, which have dramatically been effected. It is not me to give her the benefit of the doubt, but if this is real love then forgiveness must be inclusive. I also feel this is something i owe her due to the fact of our first dreadful seperation....all my fault by the way, and horrible!

That night was a start. It was something i looked forward to and longed for, more than anything else and for almost eight years.
As the rain fell on us and the silence of a closing nightclub surrounded us, we moved closer towards each other clenching our hands. The energy between us grew and the world vanished. Her face moved closer to mine, in a way to simply feel the closeness, not a kiss. She moved towards me and i felt her breath. It send shivers down my spine. The look in her eyes returned me to a place i thought would be left as obsolete. Our joining energy offered me a serene emotion that ive only ever witnessed in this moment, and our first. I never thought she would be the one for me the night i met her...and the fact that she is someone elses now also reminded me that i could be wrong. Denial is not an emotion in which i reside regarding this, it is hope and faith, it is what survives in all of us and can be passed on.

As she moved in close towards me it returned to me the memory of how we kissed. We teased each other first, taunted each others lips as we again clenched each other's hands tighter, and weaving our fingers. Her small hands were always cute, and she bit her nails, which made her self conscious of her hands, so whenever I looked at her hands, she hid them away. I made sure i kissed her hands everytime we were together to let her know i thought they were adorable, like her.

I moved my lips to where i knew they would go, not her mouth but her neck, where i heard and felt her slight moan enter my right ear. I began to move up as i gently kissed her ears then her face and we began to move towards the essence of a kiss. The prologue to the kiss is the object of affection and beautiful. It is something i knew as warm and real. Indescribable the feeling, unrepeatable with any other human. Intervals between kisses we looked at each other, sharing looks that would melt icebergs. We were continued as though nothing else mattered in the world, because in this safe space nothing did. That kiss was reminiscent of our first at that under 18's dance party. Her eyes say it all, the cheeky grin when I take my rings off to the broken sight i saw that night in May when she held my hand for what felt like the last time..

We kissed gently and the world dissapeared....until security reminded me that i had to stop the cd playing, pack up and go home. I packed my things away as she said she was going to check in on her friends. We said we would meet outside to have a chat before the night ended.

A nervous flutter in my heart washed a confused and yet excited feeling over me. The love i had lost came flying into my world yet again. Was this fate? I didnt believe in fate, i didnt believe in love. This one girl would change that for me, and also recently made me realise the hollow feeling i have now means more than i offer it. One thing i knew, holding her, kissing her would forever feel right and it was beyond our control.
Outside the night club we met again, nervous and unsure. One thing on our minds as we spoke it, "where do we go from here?"
to be continued.
(please think, for you)

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