Saturday, May 16, 2009
The night that was
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing. Fear and love live hand in hand, my fear lives in me and surfaces just before i write another entry to this story, as i dont open up to anyone about anything. Something tells me that the reason for this is natural and i will continue. This is my cure, i hope..
What do our eyes see? All i can offer is what mine see.
Sometimes when you least expect to find something or someone it is hard to feel completely convinced you have, when it happens. That feeling causes sleepless nights filled with complications and thoughts of implcations of our actions. That night began this. It began building a different version of the me and rid me of of the person I once knew and now miss. The deconstruction of me was a slow and painful process. It had a variety of contributors and an array of performances which withered my will and wore down my soul.
How can i explain these events without confronting myself for the true reasons as to why they happened? This i do. I do it daily, and dusting off these old events and allowing myself to watch them internally pains me. I am a vessel filled with passion for my music and my work, the love is gone. All i do these days is sit alone and push away people and feelings. Its all i know how to do perfectly anymore, but i digress.
The hardest night for me was that night, as everyone dissapeared from my crowd and there she was.
Just her. The ambience was perfect, the feeling sureal.
For a moment in time nothing had changed, we were 16 again. The moment i spotted her felt like it lasted three lifetimes over. She simply raised her right hand, and motioned a gentle wave with a feel of sincerity and a hint of a flirtacious motive. My heart beat increased rapidly and my mind froze amongst a confused realisation and disbelief. I looked in front of me where i was about to play the next song, for a crowd that had dissapeared.
Whenever she was around the surrounding people dissapeared, the scenery was a motionless backdrop for us, and nothing moved me more than knowing this was all i needed.
I have visited these places recently, the people dont dissapear anymore, the feeling is still there, but a feeling of lonelyness subsides it. In a room full of hundreds i felt alone, in a crowd i once knew the hollowness never fills a void I once ridiculed when my friends discussed it. I quickly overlooked the song i was about to play and rapidly opted for a long pre-mixed CD to last a while, since a part of me felt drawn to her, so i prepared to chase her and ask her the millions of questions i had inside. A CD that was a single track that lasted about an hour seemed smart. I changed the CD to the pre mix whilst I maintained my eyes on her. As i looked at her i realised she kept glancing at me with a cheeky grin, her eyes spoke louder than her words, they always surfaced the child in her. The look on her face reminded me of the first night we met at an under 18's dance party. She presented me the same cheeky grin that first night also, followed by a gentle kiss that swept me away.
As i mixed in the pre-mixed CD to give me an hour of relief i motioned towards her on the dance floor where i was greeted by fans and friends of my music, all of whom i greeted with a generic gesture in an attempt to move myself closer to her. As i apporached her our eyes connected and we both stopped moving. Still, motionless and what would see to be a sillhoetic picture pefect frame that may have looked as though it was directed for a teen films' climax where the two characters finally have that moment where they kiss! We engaged in a brief moment of shock and confusion about this moment.
All i could say was "um..Hi?". She simply replied with a 'hello'! I asked her some general questions, which were hard to answer over the driving music that sounded more like a heavy bassline that kept the crowd dancing around us. Slight taps and slaps of shoes hitting the somewhat dirty and tarnished dancefloor offered me a realisation that we were not alone. It was hard to speak and hear in this situation, so the natural progression would be to rellocate the conversation. She asked me to follow her to the beer garden to talk. I followed her, admirring how amazing she looked after all these years. What i found more amazing was that been in her presence reminded me of how long i have missed having her near. She glanced over as i followed her, watching her eyes scorching the thoughts i was accumulating regarding things i wanted to say, ask and feel once again. She cleared my mind with a simple look that drove past my surface. It is rare to know someone can see inside you with one look, it is also terrifying.
She led me to the beer garden of the night club which was located on the rear of the club, in an outdoor area which was reached by a large set of stairs. Walking up i noted the rain was consistent in a somewhat drizzle state, i could smell the rain combining with her scent as the breeze visited my face on it's travels.
We sat outside the night club, in the beer garden, below a consistant drizzle and talked briefly about our careers, our jobs, education, relationship status and other things in a general chat. I felt moments where she opened up to me so truly, i could only describe the things she shared as real and life changing. I listened carefully, it was important. I could see the seriousness of the happy times and sad times she had felt, i saw it in her eyes.
As we chatted she recieved a phone call, she described to the person on the other end where we were located. I was briefed about two friends whom she was out with and that they were coming to visit us because sections of club were beggining to close. She introduced me to her friends that she had met during her travels working in the hospitality industry, one of them shared the same name as her, which was bizare considering how rare her name was. Hospitality was her passion, it always was. I loved hearing about it whenever she spoke about it, but she always felt i looked down on it, but i never did. As my disclaimre above this read, feelings for me rarely come, so this was another shut book moment. Another funny passion of hers was J-Lo's song 'Im Real' with Ja-Rule, 'our song' as we always joked.
As I was listening to her talking about her acheivements i felt an overwhelming feeling of pride and satisfaction for her. I was proud of her, and happy at how amazing she had grown up to be, like i always believed she would. A security guard walked towards us to inform us that the time had arrived to pack up and go home. We were shocked it was 3am already and what was two hours of talking felt like two minutes. We both began emerging back into the night club as the drizzle became rain. As we were about to walk towards the stairs leading down in to the central part of the night club she grabbed my hand, in an attempt to motion me towards her. She said "our love was real, and you broke my heart. A day has not gone by that i hated you for what you did, and hated myself more, because i couldnt hate you". I was speechless. All i could say was sorry. I felt sorry, not only for what i had done to her but the way i had saboutaged us.
She gently met my eyes with hers and moved closer towards me. She ushered me in to a moment i knew from our past and missed with my heart. This reminded me of how it was to feel. The rain beaded down her face as her curly hair was also holding many beads of rain. I wiped away the rain from her face with my hand, she motioned her face towards my touch and released a slight moan of comfort. "I missed your touch" She spoke in a gentle and serene voice. Her minimal amount of make up was a reminder of her evident and natural beauty. Her smell became stronger as she came closer. It gave me goosebumps and presented me with a feeling i can visit whenever i need to feel.
As the rain fell on us and the silence of a closing nightclub surrounded us, we moved closer towards each other clenching our hands. The energy between us grew and the world vanished.
to be continued...