Sunday, May 31, 2009

Misery, inspires.

We are ready for the siege,
we are armed up to the teeth
we care for how you live and breathe
release whats broken underneath

Do you feel safe again? look over your shoulder
Very carefully look over your shoulder and tell me what love can be.

You may say..
We can laugh about it now,
we hope everything works out.
Be careful how you lick your wounds
Believe that change is coming soon

You used to do a little but a little won't fly,
Right before you hit your prime.
Thats when we fell in love but not the first time
That is when i was yours and you were mine.

Can I please you still?
Put your name in my father's will?
Or does it make, you ill
let us prove was the me's
We will lean straight forward and feed
You will be relieved
so relieved,
to the floor,
it was I,
Feel the sparkles verified
misery inspires.
Your flow has been caught sabatoged
never noticed the size of the floor
it can be, you know

You said you believe but believing won't fly
Right before you hit your prime
Thats when we fell in love but not the first time

And when its all over and you open your eyes
and it still wont turn on inside
and you'll be lying down low on the floor side

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Chrome buttons, windows and plastic surfaces

"True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away."
-Alicia Barnhart

Rarely a day passes me by that i don't think my life's " what if's ".
I always ensure my closest friends that living life with "what if" questions is a life half lived, much like a life without love. Corny i know! My feelings on this blog vary due to my day to day experiences. Today from my desk I people watched. From my quiet little work space i can see outside to the main street of Wollongong. As i looked out for a brief moment on to Burelli street, Wollongong I noticed sprinkles of rain beginning to fall. For some reason my attention was drawn to the corner of the street where an elderly couple were standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross the road. As the rain begin to fall, without a moment's despair the elderly man looked up at the sky, motioned his left hand in a palm shape to collect feeling from drops falling. He then promptly wiped his hand on his pants and quickly removed his jacket. I was drawn in to this sight like a fish swims towards a worm on a hook, i could not stop myself and my curiousity away. I had to see why he was taking his jacket off. Within a moment of removing his jacket he placed it around the other elderly woman and covered her back and head as they quickly crossed the road and dissapeared from my sight. It is fair to say that sight warmed my heart. True love,like the kind you read about in romance novels.

The truth is i didnt want to walk away again, i was not ready. When we said 'where do we go from here' i became nervous awaiting her response. Her eyes circled the ground and she bit her lip, ever so gently. I started to fidget and click my fingers, as I do when im nervous. She looked up in to my eyes and said 'i want to see you again'. I agreed grabbed her hand and gave her a soft goodbye kiss on her cheek as she walked away with her two friends. I approached my friend's car to pack away my things, i still remember his words...he simply said "dude, you are glowing!" I was, i could not deny that. I would every timei was in her presence, and she would do. Rosy cheeks were her trademark of choice. It's funny that the small things you just know exist, are the things you miss so much when you can't just have them near.

As we were driving home, i remember been on autopilot talking to my friend about various things, none of which i remember. All i remember was the feeling of anticipation when suddnely my phone beeped. It was her name on my screen. My stomach twisted, unaware of the content of this message. Could this be good? Could this be a 'i made a mistake' message? I opened the message, making sure i read every word carefully. As i commenced reading it i felt the car stop, i looked out and realised we had arrived at my house. MY friend and i said goodbye as i retrieved my gear from the rear of his car and proceeded to walk towards my front door. I remembered to check my phone and began reading the text message she had sent me. It was a request to see me right now. The request to drive to her house made my heart flutter. Without thinking i motioned towards my car, unlocked it, threw my gear in the back of my car and started the motor.

I quickly drove to her house, i put on a CD filled with songs that would later become the soundtrack to our love. As i listened to each song on the journey to her house i curiously questioned myself how i would feel to be sitting next to her again, how i would feel to know she loved me. What will happen?

As i arrived in front of her house, i turned my lights off and messaged her "im here". I patiently waited in my car for a reply, unfortunately i could hear my own heart beat from my nervousness. After about two minutes i received a text message reply reading " i will be out in a moment..." I continued to wait and in about 4 to 6 minutes she walked towards my car, exiting her house from the left of herhouse, which was the entry of her back/side yard. She ran out in a beautiful silk night gown, that i could barely see due to the fact it was nearly 4:30am. She walked around to the passanger side of my car and entered the car slowly. She looked at me with a school girl smile, grinned and simply said "Hi!". I said "Hello", with a nervous quiver in my voice that derived from my heart.

We began chatting about the night and although i was still nervous and still curious about weather or not this was real, it felt like nothing had changed in the years past. Upon talking we went on to expand on both of our adventures and acheivements since we last spoke. The look in her eye made me feel warm, but also displayed a concerning hollowness for something, I felt i needed to find out what that was. As we spoke I noted in the backdrop of her neighbourhood, which was surrounded by single level middle class homes, the sun beginning to shine some light in the sky.Unfortunatelly due to my University commitments i had to leave and return home, in order to attend my lecture at Uni.

I told her i had to leave, we both accepted it but knew it was not what we wanted. She kissed me on the cheek and began to motion towards the door, before she exited my car I asked her something. It took me every ounce of my willpower to work up the courage to ask this. I asked her to sit still for one more minute. I felt like this dream was fading, i had to capture the moment, as she closed the door and moved towards me yet again I looked her in the eyes, and found her hand in the slight darkness which was fading due to the sun. I held her tight and gathered the words to ask her...

“Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.” Oscar Wilde

to be continued.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Her cute hands

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word.
The coward pushes her away,
The coward is scared of love day to day.
He pushes away the one he wants to stay.
No one can miss
thy first kiss of bliss.
(Oscar Wilde)

Oscar Wilde, a true genious. Discriminated, indeed, but those that knew where his heart was directed will know his words meant the same thing to both genders and any orientation.
I lay here in this cold bed looking for words to write the next part of this story. Simply because tonight i feel so much. An email from a close friend opened my eyes in an indescribable way. For some reason this person, who shall remain unnamed emailed me, without been aware of my blog, which im sure has an audience of 2 (if im lucky! :o ). This person's email brought me back to the first night, which i am in the midle of describing. This person was an observer of the night.
The person emailed me saying that they just wanted to say that they feel the way i did the night when first i saw her, and they were able to understand the song 'Let Go' from my band. The meaning of the lyrics are now aparently evident!
I replied showing happiness for my friend because love is amazing...if it is love. Some people confuse love with passion or lust. The difference is huge, but sometimes our eyes see more than our heart.

To continue describing our second beggining that night in the club is something that makes me smile and at the same time makes me want to take it back, i want to take it back only because i want to have it again! Does that make sense?, i ask myself.

My doubts regarding the end are many, especially since the changes in my outlook of life, which have dramatically been effected. It is not me to give her the benefit of the doubt, but if this is real love then forgiveness must be inclusive. I also feel this is something i owe her due to the fact of our first dreadful seperation....all my fault by the way, and horrible!

That night was a start. It was something i looked forward to and longed for, more than anything else and for almost eight years.
As the rain fell on us and the silence of a closing nightclub surrounded us, we moved closer towards each other clenching our hands. The energy between us grew and the world vanished. Her face moved closer to mine, in a way to simply feel the closeness, not a kiss. She moved towards me and i felt her breath. It send shivers down my spine. The look in her eyes returned me to a place i thought would be left as obsolete. Our joining energy offered me a serene emotion that ive only ever witnessed in this moment, and our first. I never thought she would be the one for me the night i met her...and the fact that she is someone elses now also reminded me that i could be wrong. Denial is not an emotion in which i reside regarding this, it is hope and faith, it is what survives in all of us and can be passed on.

As she moved in close towards me it returned to me the memory of how we kissed. We teased each other first, taunted each others lips as we again clenched each other's hands tighter, and weaving our fingers. Her small hands were always cute, and she bit her nails, which made her self conscious of her hands, so whenever I looked at her hands, she hid them away. I made sure i kissed her hands everytime we were together to let her know i thought they were adorable, like her.

I moved my lips to where i knew they would go, not her mouth but her neck, where i heard and felt her slight moan enter my right ear. I began to move up as i gently kissed her ears then her face and we began to move towards the essence of a kiss. The prologue to the kiss is the object of affection and beautiful. It is something i knew as warm and real. Indescribable the feeling, unrepeatable with any other human. Intervals between kisses we looked at each other, sharing looks that would melt icebergs. We were continued as though nothing else mattered in the world, because in this safe space nothing did. That kiss was reminiscent of our first at that under 18's dance party. Her eyes say it all, the cheeky grin when I take my rings off to the broken sight i saw that night in May when she held my hand for what felt like the last time..

We kissed gently and the world dissapeared....until security reminded me that i had to stop the cd playing, pack up and go home. I packed my things away as she said she was going to check in on her friends. We said we would meet outside to have a chat before the night ended.

A nervous flutter in my heart washed a confused and yet excited feeling over me. The love i had lost came flying into my world yet again. Was this fate? I didnt believe in fate, i didnt believe in love. This one girl would change that for me, and also recently made me realise the hollow feeling i have now means more than i offer it. One thing i knew, holding her, kissing her would forever feel right and it was beyond our control.
Outside the night club we met again, nervous and unsure. One thing on our minds as we spoke it, "where do we go from here?"
to be continued.
(please think, for you)

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The night that was

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing. Fear and love live hand in hand, my fear lives in me and surfaces just before i write another entry to this story, as i dont open up to anyone about anything. Something tells me that the reason for this is natural and i will continue. This is my cure, i hope..

What do our eyes see? All i can offer is what mine see.
Sometimes when you least expect to find something or someone it is hard to feel completely convinced you have, when it happens. That feeling causes sleepless nights filled with complications and thoughts of implcations of our actions. That night began this. It began building a different version of the me and rid me of of the person I once knew and now miss. The deconstruction of me was a slow and painful process. It had a variety of contributors and an array of performances which withered my will and wore down my soul.
How can i explain these events without confronting myself for the true reasons as to why they happened? This i do. I do it daily, and dusting off these old events and allowing myself to watch them internally pains me. I am a vessel filled with passion for my music and my work, the love is gone. All i do these days is sit alone and push away people and feelings. Its all i know how to do perfectly anymore, but i digress.

The hardest night for me was that night, as everyone dissapeared from my crowd and there she was.
Just her. The ambience was perfect, the feeling sureal.

For a moment in time nothing had changed, we were 16 again. The moment i spotted her felt like it lasted three lifetimes over. She simply raised her right hand, and motioned a gentle wave with a feel of sincerity and a hint of a flirtacious motive. My heart beat increased rapidly and my mind froze amongst a confused realisation and disbelief. I looked in front of me where i was about to play the next song, for a crowd that had dissapeared.
Whenever she was around the surrounding people dissapeared, the scenery was a motionless backdrop for us, and nothing moved me more than knowing this was all i needed.
I have visited these places recently, the people dont dissapear anymore, the feeling is still there, but a feeling of lonelyness subsides it. In a room full of hundreds i felt alone, in a crowd i once knew the hollowness never fills a void I once ridiculed when my friends discussed it. I quickly overlooked the song i was about to play and rapidly opted for a long pre-mixed CD to last a while, since a part of me felt drawn to her, so i prepared to chase her and ask her the millions of questions i had inside. A CD that was a single track that lasted about an hour seemed smart. I changed the CD to the pre mix whilst I maintained my eyes on her. As i looked at her i realised she kept glancing at me with a cheeky grin, her eyes spoke louder than her words, they always surfaced the child in her. The look on her face reminded me of the first night we met at an under 18's dance party. She presented me the same cheeky grin that first night also, followed by a gentle kiss that swept me away.
As i mixed in the pre-mixed CD to give me an hour of relief i motioned towards her on the dance floor where i was greeted by fans and friends of my music, all of whom i greeted with a generic gesture in an attempt to move myself closer to her. As i apporached her our eyes connected and we both stopped moving. Still, motionless and what would see to be a sillhoetic picture pefect frame that may have looked as though it was directed for a teen films' climax where the two characters finally have that moment where they kiss! We engaged in a brief moment of shock and confusion about this moment.

All i could say was "um..Hi?". She simply replied with a 'hello'! I asked her some general questions, which were hard to answer over the driving music that sounded more like a heavy bassline that kept the crowd dancing around us. Slight taps and slaps of shoes hitting the somewhat dirty and tarnished dancefloor offered me a realisation that we were not alone. It was hard to speak and hear in this situation, so the natural progression would be to rellocate the conversation. She asked me to follow her to the beer garden to talk. I followed her, admirring how amazing she looked after all these years. What i found more amazing was that been in her presence reminded me of how long i have missed having her near. She glanced over as i followed her, watching her eyes scorching the thoughts i was accumulating regarding things i wanted to say, ask and feel once again. She cleared my mind with a simple look that drove past my surface. It is rare to know someone can see inside you with one look, it is also terrifying.

She led me to the beer garden of the night club which was located on the rear of the club, in an outdoor area which was reached by a large set of stairs. Walking up i noted the rain was consistent in a somewhat drizzle state, i could smell the rain combining with her scent as the breeze visited my face on it's travels.

We sat outside the night club, in the beer garden, below a consistant drizzle and talked briefly about our careers, our jobs, education, relationship status and other things in a general chat. I felt moments where she opened up to me so truly, i could only describe the things she shared as real and life changing. I listened carefully, it was important. I could see the seriousness of the happy times and sad times she had felt, i saw it in her eyes.

As we chatted she recieved a phone call, she described to the person on the other end where we were located. I was briefed about two friends whom she was out with and that they were coming to visit us because sections of club were beggining to close. She introduced me to her friends that she had met during her travels working in the hospitality industry, one of them shared the same name as her, which was bizare considering how rare her name was. Hospitality was her passion, it always was. I loved hearing about it whenever she spoke about it, but she always felt i looked down on it, but i never did. As my disclaimre above this read, feelings for me rarely come, so this was another shut book moment. Another funny passion of hers was J-Lo's song 'Im Real' with Ja-Rule, 'our song' as we always joked.

As I was listening to her talking about her acheivements i felt an overwhelming feeling of pride and satisfaction for her. I was proud of her, and happy at how amazing she had grown up to be, like i always believed she would. A security guard walked towards us to inform us that the time had arrived to pack up and go home. We were shocked it was 3am already and what was two hours of talking felt like two minutes. We both began emerging back into the night club as the drizzle became rain. As we were about to walk towards the stairs leading down in to the central part of the night club she grabbed my hand, in an attempt to motion me towards her. She said "our love was real, and you broke my heart. A day has not gone by that i hated you for what you did, and hated myself more, because i couldnt hate you". I was speechless. All i could say was sorry. I felt sorry, not only for what i had done to her but the way i had saboutaged us.

She gently met my eyes with hers and moved closer towards me. She ushered me in to a moment i knew from our past and missed with my heart. This reminded me of how it was to feel. The rain beaded down her face as her curly hair was also holding many beads of rain. I wiped away the rain from her face with my hand, she motioned her face towards my touch and released a slight moan of comfort. "I missed your touch" She spoke in a gentle and serene voice. Her minimal amount of make up was a reminder of her evident and natural beauty. Her smell became stronger as she came closer. It gave me goosebumps and presented me with a feeling i can visit whenever i need to feel.
As the rain fell on us and the silence of a closing nightclub surrounded us, we moved closer towards each other clenching our hands. The energy between us grew and the world vanished.

to be continued...

Monday, May 4, 2009

The first wave

"If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking"

I am sure the critics out there will call this blog many things. A love story, an emo outlet, a drible of emotions...the list can go on. The truth is this will be simply a collection of events in my life within 12 months. The one truth is, this will be the very truth, no matter who gets hurt and what people think. I wont speak anything, but written, musically or painted with words i do. So read, or dont, it wont change what i want to say in my memoirs.

That night will resonate in my memory everlastingly like the first painful drunken humiliation you have had that you bring up every time you share time and ironically alcohol with people that were there. Small drops of rain began to fall from the slightly cloudy sky, i noted this as i walked from my car to the venue to spin alone to a consistent crowd of hundreds. I remember on that warm summer night as i arrived to play yet another Wednesday show there was something unusual, which was merely brushed off as just another summer night sprinkled with rain. I played a good solo set and spun a couple of older songs to mix things up. I always enjoyed suprising people with classic build me up buttercup, the rembrants and at one time..will smith's Gettin Jiggy wit it! What is a jiggy? I usually spun from 9pm till 11pm then i would have a 2 hour break and return at 1am.

In the break my friends and I would travel by foot to another nightclub down the fiercely intoxicated travel path of Wollongong's night life on a Wednesday night. We would go and enjoy cheap drinks and see my friend, who was also an artist i worked, drank and partied with. He played at this club until 130am and then joined me at my club for an hour and a half of mixing. We always acted like clowns in this club, and due to it's lack of punters, we got away with it! We would invade the dancefloor with 80's dance moves that would even make Hugh Grant cringe. It was always fun and fueled with harmless levels of drinking and funky dance music.

The time came when i had to leave and walk back to the club where i played my wind-down 2 hour set, which i always enjoyed because the people that remained were intoxicated or other, but the important fact was they would dance to anything. Bliss! Punters always requested harder songs, and i complied, simply because I got to play hard, fast and try tracks the mainstream crowd frowned upon. It was artistic freedom without boundaries, i loved it. I mostly ended the night with a random rock song from Rage Against the Machine, Korn, Silverchair or Linkin Park! When i returned to the club i noted a strong remaining crowd after my colleagues whored every popular song and eventually moved towards hard fidgety songs before i arrived.
My colleagues consisted of two brothers who were and are very talented musicians. We actually had a group together by the same name they use now. There was four of us. The two brothers spun the songs, i Emcee'd and sang and we had a female vocalist.
Our career as a four piece seemed to creep the doorstep of fame, and often knocked, however a messy love affair, band animosity from silly squables and many drunken raod trips saw the end come and we all went our seperate ways. I tried the solo, duo thing and various other combinations im still trying. When my groove comes back ill know it. To be honest i miss the road trips, the drunken silly fun and the people we met along the way.

Upon my arrival the brothers began packing up their CD's and preparing to leave, they noticed i was wet from the consistent drizzle of rain outside since the late evening, which they commented hadn't ceased yet. I took my jacket off and adjusted my signature beanie, which was more of a knitted head band. Some people commented it looked trendy and somewhat linked it to my image, however i wore it because it blocked out the high treble frequency from the speakers in the night club. It was simply my ear muffs, which i loved to wear because it also meant i didnt have to worry about doing my hair.

I found my headphones in my small 'Bob the Builder' bag, which served as both an alcoholic smuggler and a headphone protector. At all my shows all my friends would always ask where 'Bob' was. He was welcome at every show and party! I popped my headphones around my neck and waited for their song to spin out to mix mine in. I began playing and drinking my beer....the strobe and oby lights were flying around the room, the smoke was flying through the people as they danced to my big opening tracks. I played for almost 40 minutes non stop, when i went to change CD's and i felt a weird sensation. A warm and yet scary feeling which began this rollercoaster that left me thinking that once i had this world but now i've lost it all. I rarely looked up, i liked concentrating on my mixing, i ignored the feeling and continued to play.

I dont know how it happens. Maybe it's energy, or a form of quantum physics but there's nothing like the feeling when you know someone's eyes are set on you. These moments froze the earth i was in. That time of the night i knew there was at least 200 people around me and on the dance floor. I gave in. As the feeling consumed me i decided to look up, straight to where this energy drove me to. I simply gave in. As i glanced up the room was suddnely empty. She was standing there smiling with her eyes. She began it all with a little wave, as my pulse increased. I dropped the headphones on the decks..

We see two things in people; what we want to see and what they show us, i still wonder what i saw that night.

to be continued.

Friday, May 1, 2009

The first confession...

Welcome to my blog. I know and accept not many people will see this or read it, and also be offended by some of the things i say. This online collection or words will focus on the flaws of emotion, the facets of love and hate and the sociological exposure ive had to varied attitudes.

I am not old by any standard. My life is still very young, and i have a million oportunities at my feet. I have seen ancient places, modern places and sacred places. I have loved, laughed and drank until the sun came up and continued as the sun came down. I am and never will be anybody special. I wont be remembered when i die and my most significant mark on this earth will be a hole i'll occupy when i pass. This page will offer music, pictures and personal philosophy. It will be a real Nicholas Sparks adventure. I have experienced possibly the most unique and morbid adventure in the past few years. I will explore this on here and hope some people join me for a chat and tell me a little about their life.
I will also sharesome songs ive written, some words ive crafted and some pictures i have painted.

This will be my life, my emotions, my art and what my experiences have created in me. A void i call 'The Devils Darkest Burning Star'.

I hope you can join me to keep this blog rolling..and allow an outlet for your heart, or a way to fill the hole where some heart would reside.

Like every story that causes art, life or an started with a girl.