Friday, December 25, 2009

The Old Cinema

Christmas is a time for giving, and last night sitting with some family and friends I felt happy knowing my life would be moving forward in the coming year. It is a nice feeling having a laugh with a few mates, their partners, your family and just enjoying the serenity of a drunk delight. It was only a few days ago I read an email from someone who read this blog and asked me why my entries have become shorter and less frequent. The sad truth is the events following the last entries is where my life starts spiraling towards a catastrophe. Funnily enough, the events that took place from here on in have shaped the emotionless hollow person typing these words. The events where instigated by me to a degree, and for that I have been sorry, but nontheless they happened and I will devulge the rest of the story in the upcoming posts.

This post is about the dream that shook me to the core, and it visited my sleep at the worst time, Christmas morning, after a pleasant night with friends. Unbeknown to me, my mind hadn't thought how badly this may affect me. The dream was terrifying in the way that you feel when someone you love is badly hurt or injured. That sick feeling is with me now and I cannot escape it no matter who I speak to, what I drink or what I watch/listen to. It will not subside. This dream will haunt me for a long time to come. I question whether or not dreams have any significance in our past, present or future. Such as people talking about dreams they have had of people and then they discover the person in the dream has been hurt or sick. I wish I had the courage to check that but I don't want to ruin her Christmas as mine was this morning because of this dream. It's is a very real thought, but sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.

The dream from which I woke to this morning, the 25th of December 2009 was horrific. It began with me running through a dirty abondoned movie theatre looking for an exit to motion towards my destination, which at this point in the dream I did not know what it was. Whilst runningtowards the destination I was greeted by faces from my teen years, and they were all dressed in black suits and black dresses, attire you expect to see at a funeral, I was dressed in casual white and blue jeans, disimilar to my usual dress. I kept seeing people that were looking at me in disguist. The feeling was a rushing confused inbalance and fear. It was a fear that I could only explain as an anticipation. I finally arrived what was aparently my destination and entered an apartment which was overcrowded, dark light and also full of faces that were unhappy with me. I was looking for her, I was asking people and searching everywhere for her, but instead I was met face to face with her boyfriend. He and I began talking like nothing was wrong and I began to apologise for all I had said. Then I said the words that shook me. I congratulated him on the engagement and wished them the best.

I left after a brief search mission to find her. The searching was unsuccsessful and I began to motion back towards the old movie theatre. On my way I was faced by a large seated outdoor dinner party. All the people were seated dressed in black suits and black dresses again. They all turned and stared at me with faces that I could only read as rage, anger and dissapointment. Closer look at all these faces made me discover all the people at this dinner party were all the people I went to high school with.

I motioned around the tables looking back as all their angry eyes followed me. I began to run towards the old movie theatre and I could see it in my sights, all of a sudden an old friend came out of nowhere and said a sentence I will never forget.

"All those people wont come to your funeral, when you die alone. The movie theatre shows films based on fantasy and imagination. That's where you live your life, in fantasy. You had it all and you let it slip, you didn't even let yourself see that. No one will miss you, so on your way kiddo."

Running back to the theatre I began to cry and frantically look for her in the threatre. Finally I made it in to my car and drove myself home. I went upstairs and layed in bed until I remember falling asleep. In the morning all I could see was two people talking about me in front of my house. All I heard was that I died in my sleep.

This will haunt me.

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowpe

Saturday, December 19, 2009

The slide

Jonathan Swift was known for many things in his short lived life, but I envy the words he spoke about life. I remember reading once he said “A lie does not consist in the indirect position of words, but in the desire and intention, by false speaking, to deceive and injure your neighbour.” It stuck with me, because lies make the world go around. I lied to her, she lied to me. Some malicious some white lies, but nonetheless all lies.

Everybody needs something in this world. Growing up I was made to believe I needed love. I had and have the unmatchable love of my family and friends, but I wanted that movie love. The notebook romance people crave and live for. The plans had begun for me to run away from the only person that has hurt me so tremendously. The plan was to run away to London, away from everyone and everything, after I got my teaching degree so I can work as a teacher in the roughest education system with English as a first language. The scary thing is my slippery slope began this time when we seperated. The things I began to do took me back to when I was looking to be something or someone that was noticed. The worst was ahead, and it all fell like dominoes!

A lie hides the truth. A story tries to find it.

Friday, December 4, 2009

White Ballons and The sky of Doom

The looking glass was new, but the story was getting old. I saw her, yet again. This time we were sharing a silence that was hurting me, because this was my final sacrifice, like a ritual. This was it, and it was painful. I knew if saw her I'd have to walk over and say 'hello'. I wished that I could just be brave. I was dying to see her, but also dying not to.
We were at a concert, we were not together, she was with her friends and the friend from Canberra, and I was with my friends from University. I looked around when we arrived, and I could not see her face. I began drinking quickly so I could blur my mind and think of something or someone else. The alcohol was only fuelling the fire inside me. I was anticipating confrontation and some sort of an argument. I didn't want to lose her, I needed her to be there for me in two weeks, when I was hospitalised, but I was starting to feel that she did not need me. The sad thing is, she did, she was just to proud to admit to it. She needed someone there, the same way I did, but I was too proud and stubborn too. It seems like the voices I listened to were the ones paving a path to destruction and hurt. I listened and acted, instead of just being honest, real and understanding. I never intend to point the finger, we both got hurt and there were discrepancies on both sides of this story. However, all i wanted was to invest in this love, and I'd give myself to the wolves for it, for her. As I type this, i read the caption behind the note of where this was written, and it was written at Coston South terminal 5, train station in London. I take myself back to that place and think of the year that passed since and what has happened. I should have known, happiness is not something planned for me. It just isn't on the cards. Im blessed with amazing friends, but as I watch them all fall in love and get married, I know I'll always think back to the year where I had a shot at doing the same thing, and I let it slip. One of my students in year 5 asked me on Friday why I have a blank look in my eyes. I had no answer..I just told her to finish her lunch. Smart kid! I digress.

I walked from the dance floor towards the bar and noticed her curly hair, she was sitting outside with her friends having a cigarette. The voices in my head commenced as I bled myself right in. In that split moment, it was the moment that took me beneath the skin and I glanced at the atmosphere as it shifted from a crowded room to an empty space, with her and I. The fear of walking to her was like thinking of a paper cut, I knew how it would feel, and how deep and slow it would cut, but I had to do it. The two voices began arguing in my mind as the sound of the voice hit my cerebellum while i motioned towards her. One voice said tell her how beautiful she looks and that I miss just holding her in our comfortable silence, the other voice told me walk up and be a dick. I listened to the one telling me to be a dick. Typical me. I walked up and looked into her eyes and said Hello, she introduced me to her friends and the uncomfortable moments began building, so I left them and rejoined my friends.

Although I could bleed from the mouth saying this, the person I am now looks at the immature and juvenile behaviour I used to bring to the table and feel embarrassed. The person I am is not the guy I was then. I am sure of what I need and what I want in life, although I won't find it, I am happy knowing I will embrace it if it ever found me. That neither here or there for what was ahead in this awkward story that proved to her, I was capable of been insensitive, and selfish. Not only did the night see me become highly intoxicated i commenced torturing her verbally and her friends, getting angry at my friends for no apparent reason and becoming an absolute disgrace. This person I recall from that night is dead and buried. I was creating reasons for her and her friends to dislike me, and to be honest I'd dislike me too.

After the concert I messaged her over and over again, hurtful messages that could be reworded to say "run back to your ex". I had a bad night, and my attitude that night was not acceptable. However, love is about forgiveness, and love does make people do silly things, things we don't think we would do. I wish that night had not happened. I wish i could have just walked up, said hi, and told her I missed her and that she looked beautiful.

The next day I went to visit her, and we sat on the veranda as she looked into my eyes with disgust. She explained what I knew was coming, things I remembered, things I had forgotten. I did not argue, I sat there and took the words in. She explained that she thought we would not have a future if all her friends hated me, and they all did. I felt like a spectator that day. I accepted what she told me, and walked away with my heart left crushed. I didn't blame her for what she did, she simply stated the truth, and also told me how she thought i should have acted, which was the other voice's opinion that night, remember the voice I ignored? That one.

in two weeks I was entering the hospital, and I wanted her there, I needed my love there. I thought about what I could do to prove to her I could fix all these silly mistakes, fix all the insecurities about us that I caused. I needed to clear my head, so I went in to my work (back then I worked in a video shop) to get a DVD and go home. On my way to the video store the people from the e-mail rang me and organised a meeting on the following Monday to discuss the contracts and interview me. I organised the date and time and messaged my friend to let him know the ball was rolling and this looked like it was going to happen. I walked into the video shop greeted some fellow staff members and began walking around. While I was picking out a DVD a friend of hers was also there. I thought he would hate me also, because surely he would have heard of the juvenile me ruining a relationship built in the minds of fairy tales. I was wrong as he motioned towards me with a sincere look on his face i'd never seen before.

He approached me and said he was sorry about what happened between me and her, and that I shouldn't worry, everyone knew she would go back to her ex. Confused I asked him what he meant. He told me that she had started seeing him again, and they were probably back together! I told him that I thought that her and I were still together until only these last few days, he continued to tell me how he knew of her seeing him when I wasn't with her, and him visiting her at the house which she was house sitting. I didn't believe him, but he assured me he was right. I was confused, and instead of thinking about how I wronged her, my mind went back to the person that was angry at her again, instead of myself. Was he saying this because of what had happened and she asked him to say this to hurt me more? Was he just joking? Was he telling me the truth? What was going on? The events that occurred next brought me to the numbness I now know.

The cruellest lies are often told in silence


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

You never had wings

The future is called "perhaps," which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you. ~Tennessee Williams, Orpheus Descending, 1950
Sometimes people say to themselves "how much of this life would i take back?" from the things they have experienced, done or seen. Some things that are the most life defining events in our lives are derived from the smallest events that we could never have predicted would have the impact they did. These moments become everything and more, and we measure our lives by them. Tonight I was out to dinner with my mother and my step dad at a restaurant overlooking the pier where her and I met. As i was sitting there looking over in somewhat of a daze, not even thinking of her, I saw a couple, then another and then another. I looked away to see the reality which is my life. Couples all around me, people happy, people in love. I was at a Thai restaurant seated at a four seater table with my parents opposite me, a couple themselves, and next to me, like my life, an empty chair.

All around partners held hands and laughed over half full glasses of cheap red wine and BYO bottles of six dollar Lambrusco. She wouldn't care if we had a cheap bottle of wine, as long as the meal complicated a delightful evening and no other company but us. Just her and I. This sad abyss in which I am trapped constricts everything around me. My achievements, my triumphs are all hollow victories. My drunken stumbles mean more to me then life itself, its the feeling I respect. Last Friday I nearly took my final stumble with the poison running through my veins. The poison was involuntary, but as I approached my last breath something made me fight, even though the pieces of me I had lost helped me to give in, the stronger part of my heart kept beating and fought this affliction. I fought that final breath and Im still here. It did not even impact me at all that death was so near. Everything has lost a sense of surprise or significance, or even relevance.

After been collected from the side of the road I dreamed that horrible dream about her and him getting married, and after all I had been though, that was all I felt in my recovering days, and still now. It got me thinking of the drive home from Canberra and how disappointed she was with me acting like a cold hearted monster, disregarding her friends and therefore showing her that I had no respect for her or cared about the people in her life that mattered. From my point of view I had done nothing wrong, something which I now know is not true. I did alot of wrong, I didn't tell her how I was feeling about her news, instead I acted like a child and gave her and her undeserving friend the silent treatment on a trip that was supposed to be fun and relaxing for all involved. I did not know what to say that would not be negative. All I was thinking was negative, simply because I did not want to loose my baby, my world, my girl. The girl I chased since I was 17. Eight years this girl had not left my mind, but every time I had her I would act foolish.

As i type this all I can see in my mind is her singing in my room to J-Lo's "Im Real" and trying on my hats. She was my star, and she shined so bright around me. Each and every time I lost her, the feelings I fathomed were foreign and cold. In this car, I knew this argument was about to emerge, so I maintained my silence until the very last 30 minutes of the car trip, I knew what would happen. We would argue, she would tell me I was been an idiot, insensitive and a prick and we would fight to the other side where we would see the silliness and realise we are better than this. Naturally she would have to fight the stubborn me, which was present for the last 36 hours, since my ego received the news about her following her heart in the industry she loved so much, she was right to want to pursue her dreams, and who was I to interfere? That day I did not think this, I thought the opposite. I believed the choice was simple. Choose Love. Choose me! Done and dusted. What is there to think about, right? Unfortunately, only now I can see how wrong that train of thoughts really was. She probably says this is why I lost her to him, but I do not agree. Only a coward runs to another man's arms and surrenders because they cannot handle the uncertainty of a bumpy road. Some people like the subtle obvious consistency of black and white, and false facades as opposed to a life in the grey and a road filled with challenges, rainbows and pots of gold. I am a dreamer. For this i am never sorry. predicatble lifestyles are for the weak and pathetic.

We began the confrontation and I began my ego trip, I began my stubborn arguments. During the argument she was texting, in a way where her phone was hidden so I wouldn't see who it was. The beauty with mobile phones being used in cars on cold days is the light's reflection on the window. It was him. She was messaging him. 'Organising to see him' i thought to myself. I was probably right, i also thought. During the reasons my ego was creating, she had one deep breath and filled the silence. She had one simple statement, which was nor an argument or a discussion. She ended us. She told me this was not what she needed while she tried to decided what path she needed her career to take. I simply said the words that any stubborn person loves and those words were "fine, whatever!" She dropped me in front of my house, and I simply said "is this it, is this a 'see you later' or 'good bye'?
She looked away and slowly released: 'Its good bye, and I have to get going.'

I stepped out of her car as I watched her drive off, I was angry, hurt and suspicious. I went inside to an empty home, and threw my bags on the bed. I rang a Uni friend that was coming out with me on the coming Thursday. I asked him to come to my home before the show to discuss something we used to joke about at University. I opened my laptop and searched my collection of University e-mails, flicked though all the e-mails until I found the one I needed. I replied to it with grave interest on behalf of myself and my friend.

Thursday came and time came to sign the return e-mail and fax it in, so he and I discussed what we were about to do as I got ready.

The future is an opaque mirror. Anyone who tries to look into it sees nothing but the dim outlines of an old and worried face. ~Jim Bishop

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Dream that will be real.

This is all i know to say for now...

Another day in this carnival of souls
Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes
The memories are shadows; ink on the page
And i can't seem to find my way home

(Back to you)

And it's almost like
Your world is trying everything
To keep me out
And it's almost like
You found ways in everything,
To shut me out

All the places i've been and things i've seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people i'll never see again
And i can't seem to find my way home
I can say that i am sorry,
But it doesnt change anything,
Even though all i say is true,
it doesnt bring me you.

Cause it's almost like
Your world is trying everything
To break me down
Cause it's almost like
Your world is trying everything
To keep me out mind is restless, the dream I had was unbearable. Me standing there; withered alone as I am now and have been most of this year, watching you marry him. My heart shattered.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Is this the end of all I know?

"To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best." - William M. Thackeray

Last night I was visited by one of my best friends, and their friend also. The friend and I got to talking and she opened up to me about her love, and what she did for them. The effort, the triumphs and the ups and downs, the rise and fall. She reminded me of the way we become when we love. The way the walls come down, our souls are stripped and the heart begins to take the wheel. Unfortunately the driver of my shattered dreams was partially my heart, somewhat my ego and mostly my stubbornness. It also reminded me of the last time I felt anything real. The memories descend and the scariest thing is the feeling that I've always looked for in one person found me, and I can continue to blame her, but I have to turn the finger back around towards my direction. Thinking back to the way I acted on different occasions, such as the trip to Canberra, convince me that I had a big part on reaching the breaking points of this love. She wasn't always the most patient person, but towards the end she began to force herself to go that little bit extra and make an effort in resolving issues, growing a longer threshold of patience to deal with my stubbornness and silly behaviour. Talking to my friend last night, i replayed some of the times her and I fought, the fun times and the hardship. I saw visions of myself that were pathetic. The jealousy and the immature version of me that seemed dissimilar to the person I really am. I had changed changed for the better and the old me would resurface during our trying times, the times that were a challenge.

In the beginning I was not like this person at all. I rarely overreacted and never thought twice about trusting her. She always asked me why I was like this, and why I would become selfish and inconsiderate. The truth is something that only a silly analogy can profess. When there is a perfect baby born into the world it's culture jade it. There's only so much you can do to that baby, shaking it, exposing it to impurities before it starts slipping away. That was me, and our love was the baby. It had been shaken so much that all the trust and the challenge I loved to endure became a heavy cross to bare. The fact of the matter was I failed to trust her as I did when we began, and my hate for what I was becoming began to shine through in other ways. My poor attitude, my selfishness and my inability to like the surroundings that tainted our love. In our four walls away from the negative influences of the world, we were and can be perfect. Like our love and our passion it is unreached and matched by none, only in my opinion.

Last night as I sat next to a person baring their soul, I quietly thought about the loneliness I've been enduring the last half of this current year. I am finding my friends again and learning to spend time alone. Although I am having fun, I would trade it in an instant to find her lying on me feeling her gentle breathe brushing my beard as her fingers lovingly weave through mine. She coloured my eyes and exposed the feeling I usually hide. No one knew the person I gave to her, and she let him go, which made me realise, this feeling and this person are weak and should be sent home, day by day that person disappears into the abyss with the bottles I use to drown him, I ask myself is it better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there? I digress.

On the Sunday prior to the Monday we were visiting her friend she invited me to stay the night with her as a home in a southern part of Australia known as Kiama. We went shopping, got some food to eat and went back to this house and prepared a light meal and dined together. We did the washing up and sat down on the lounge and watched her TV Show, which i had never seen before. I was there with her, I did not mind what we watched as long as I was with her. The whole night had a beautiful feel to it, somewhat of a prelude of what our future together could hold. She was in her track pants and singlet top, I was in my casual shorts and band T-shirt, my usual attire. We were perfect that night, she told me some news that she was offered a new job. I was very excited for her, and she told me all the benefits and how amazing it was that this early in her return to the area she had been given such a great opportunity, i was amazed at how special this was for her, but I could see a look in her eyes that made me think there was a big 'but' that would shatter me. The job was on an island in another state, more importantly, the same area as her ex boyfriend's family.

This news devastated me, after all this it was going to end again? I wouldn't be given a say in this, it was something she had to decide on her own. She asked me what my opinion was. Naturally i acted artificial and pretended for a split moment that I was happy for her, as I held the tears and screams inside. I began what I knew best, the coldness. I started being cold and listing all the negative things about this decision. In my mind the stubborn and selfish voice decided what she should do for me. I wanted her to leave all her dreams behind and stay in the area she has been trying to escape for years, all for me. Why did i expect this? Because I would do the same. In my mind 'us' always came first, but obviously not for her, and i don't think it's a bad thing that she wanted to follow her dreams. I just wanted her, that's all. The rest of the night was a bit shaky here and there, and her friend asked her to visit on Tuesday rather than Monday.

She drove to my home and picked me up to travel to Canberra to go and visit her friend. We were going there to see her on this particular Tuesday night, her friend was going to come to our area to see an Australian dance act named PNAU at the University of Wollongong Bar. We visited her friend and my state of mind was fragile from the news she offered me. The time we spent in Canberra i was not myself. On the night of our arrival i joined in on the conversation in the most minimal manner, as the discussion of the new job offer was talked about and various other things including reminiscing about events that happened with her ex boyfriend, who she was still seeing behind my back. This made me uneasy and I chose to say nothing, as I had no positive input. I maintained silence, which would again be a rude gesture but as my world was been shaken I couldn't do anything but sit silent.

The next day her friend, her and I went to the local shopping centre to get lunch and then to the War museum. The whole time i was distant and quiet, in my mind I had started preparing for her to leave me again, but it happened sooner than I thought. The drive home was horrible.

Last night my friend said that when she saw us looking in to each others eyes, it's like nobody else existed, and it made her believe that love exists. So real that we cannot pretend.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

All I know is that I Know Nothing.

I could say many times over that forgetting this story would do me good. Sitting in a place far far away today I stared in the distance and felt empty. I jumped in my car and drove to Shellharbour. I visited the pub there alone, I purchased a schooner of Hahn Superdry and sat on the balcony overlooking the pier. The place we walked to each other. The place that I'll take my son one day and tell him; "this is where your dad was given a second chance at love, real love that cannot be manufactured, love that he knew made me feel alive, but nothing lastst forever". The last thing I wanted to do today was to think of her, simply because it would hurt, and also because she was STILL the reason I was like this. I had not been happy in months. The happy me was missing. I am playing shows again, and I miss her in my crowd. I play to friends, whom I love and love me in return but the hollowness that she creates cannot be filled by a million loving friends, and they would understand why, she is the void now. Sitting there today though brought old feelings and memories flooding back, just for split moments, and two voices ruled my attention there. One was telling me of the wonderful times, and the other was saying; "you are a single man, go out and meet some girls"! As I listened to these voices fighting, a car drove past. It was a lowered 1983 Holden Gemini, I heard the Sub Woofer thump almost 500 metres away. it caught my attention because it was playing 'Im Real" by Jennifer Lopez. The song she once sang to me, and it held a special place in our love. A happy place. I automatically recieved goosebumps and was moved nearly to tears, as it felt like a sign. But what sing? For what? Instantly as the happiness flooded back as did that night I was playing and her ex boyfriend was there.

When he approached me I expected a fight. What he offered me caused more bruises than a heavy weight boxer could inflict. He gave me intimate details of the times they had been meeting up and the things they were doing behind my back. To hear that killed me. I chose to ignore him,. because I thought he was just trying to spite me, but what she said following my confrontation killed my soul a little more. I told her a basic overview of something he had said, including a hostile request to to physically fight him, which i declined due to my future ambitions and the fact that I did not want to fight him, it was childish.

In all the comotion and the disco dust she approached me and pleaded for me not to be upset with him as I had his girl.
That was hard, because she was my girl, but she still classed her self as his, which clarified to me in what light she saw her self regarding him.

We did not speak for a couple of days and messaged each other using vague words and generic greetings. We had planned that weekend to travelt to Canberra to visit her friend, and she messaged me saying that she thought it was a good idea, as we could go visit her friend, have a few drinks and have a weekend away...little did I know what was ahead.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

To Be Continued

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Road to here

The great moments of my life have not been the things I've done. The beautiful moments have not been what I have acheived, or the things I have worked hard to accomplish. Almost every time it's the things that have happened to me. Im not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, Im saying you have to take action. I have never underestimated that on any given day, I could step out my front door and my whole life would change forever. Unfortunatelly I believe this universe has a plan, and that plan seems as though it is always in motion. Make up, break up, love, lust, pain and happiness are just some of the spices added to this mix called life that make it worthwhile.

A butterfly flaps it's wings and it starts to rain, it's a scary thought but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working to make sure you end up exactly where you are supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there. Miracles are rare, and if you think long and hard, you can probably trace back to a moment in your life, when you believed they existed. My first miracle existed the day I met my first real girlfriend, she was the prettiest girl I had ever laid my eyes on, and nearly ten years on seeing her today, i want to kick myself for ever letting her go and moving on to the girl this saga is about. Now don't get me wrong, I would never take anything back that i have experienced in my life, but this girl loved me, and I denied her that feeling because of my silly dreams of becoming famous....silly indeed.

The girl and I had a hard few days, but we were not only planning a trip to Canberra to visit her friend which i had met and had actually gotten on well with, but she and a few friends were coming to see me play a Wednesday night which was promised to be fairly busy and the crowd would be amazing. However, because I knew she would be there it meant I would prepare and think long and hard about my set because my other half would be present, but for me it meant that I was really playing for her all night. I wanted to make her proud, so she can show me off to her friends. My heart flickered on arrival, knowing that her and her friend would be there shortly to see me play. I was very excited, the kind of excitement you gain Christmas morning, even though we had a rough time here and there, that feeling never subsided each time before seeing her.

About 30 minutes had passed since I commenced my set, and she and her friend had arrived. She briefly visited me and told me she was going to hang around with her friend. Occasionally I would see the two girls visiting the bar before the large amount of people came flooding into the club. On an average of forty five minutes I had not seen her or her friend, which made me a little concerned, simply because I was excited to see her. I was playing well and the crowd was going crazy, in the midst of my last 20 minutes of playing an old friend approached me to ask me why my girlfriend was sitting on her ex boyfriends' lap. The weight of the universe landed in my stomach and stole my wind. Words vanished and the hollowness I once knew reminded me of what was ahead and words lost meaning. Anger and confusion clouded my mind. I did not know what to do, so I looked through my musical resources for a sound with an extended long play. I found a song which lasted just under 10 minutes, plenty of time to locate her and her man, in the place where my friend told me they were sitting. I ran upstairs to the beer garden. With each step I felt as though I was moving closer towards an image that would haunt me. I asked myself a plathera of questions on the way to her. "Am I that poor of a human being that she cant just be happy with me?" "Am I a joke?" "Is this revenge? Maybe my friend was wrong" I reached the top of the long flight of stairs and upon reaching the last step I noticed her sitting on her ex boyfriends lap and laughing it up.I did not know what to do or say, I wasn't going to say anything to him. It was her fault not mine and not his. I simply turned around and walked back to my DJ booth to continue playing my set and simply go home. Chunks of my heart and trust were chipping away, and this was a big chunk. Two things stood out. First one was this was a double standard, considering she abused a friend of mine the week prior to this and secondly my "friend" that told me was actually her friend, and he promised me not to say anything, because he simply felt bad for me.

This was the start of faulty game of jenga, this piece fell, as did many others. I don't believe I overeacted,simply because I was mad about her, I acted the way a star crossed lover should. In the coming weeks my life would motion towards something that nearly physically and emotionally killed me. The scariest thing was the confrontation between her and I, and even worse he and I. Ive never told anyone what he said to me that night, but it stuck with me forever...


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Room Service

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is not something I do easily. Growing up i learned at a very young age not to turst anyone but my mother and grandmother. I suffered best friends backstabbing me, people making me believe they were my friend only to discover they were using me, and girlfriends, girls that were only with me for who i was in the spotlight, not the person. I could list a million reasons why not to trust people, and a million different occassions where the wall I put up came down only to remind me why it was there in the first place. I never thought this wall would be demolished by love and rebuilt to resist the same thing that brought it crashing down willingly.

I had the constant fear that me bringing down this wall and giving her the benefit of the doubt would kill me, I thought it would allow me to be a doormat for her to walk all over. Unfortunatelly the can of worms I opened was more severe than her using me, it was emotional blackmail, mind games and lies. So many lies that I cannot sustain them within the pages of any single notebook, for it means that someone may find it one day and read my reasons for the numbness. As Don Miguel Ruiz said " Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive, to let ourselves love, the risk to be alive and express what we really are". The real me died with her, and was buried with her lies somewhere far far away. To resurface that would be a miracle, one miracle that I expect death to beat.

Her and I met and spoke about the situation, she assured me it was nothing and it was just a kiss between friends, she also assured me that he slept on the coach. The scary thing is i did not believe her, and the disbelief grew into some more significant trust issues with her. She asked me to bury the hatchet and move on with our relationship, at which point i agreed, due to my blindness caused by this love. She could make me believe the sky was bright pink, and it she said it with the compassion she had mastered over time, id believe her.

Our connection was becoming tattered with all these little fights, misunderstandings and lies. A sign of this was what happened in the weeks to come. Her friend from down the coast had organised to come to my home town to celebrate her birthday, unlike the tremendous party plans they discussed the day I was there. They had a hotel room, champagne, drugs and a plan for a night out in Wollongong. I was invited to the hotel room to stay the night with her, while her friend slept on the coach, this night proved to me that seeing her with him did more damage than I realised.

I was working the night of her friends' birthday. I was playing at the club that her and I rekindled this relationship. They were out and about in the clubs surrounding the area, but mostly my club. With the combination of drugs and alcohol she had the blank look of lust on her face that said to me that she had dismissed the issue we had in the previous weeks.

I always had a partner in crime when I played in this club, he was a renowned ladies man, and all round nice guy. His target this night was her friend, and it was a successful quest for him. After the 3am lockdown in every club and me finishing work, we returned to the hotel room. He descented to the couch with her friend and I motioned to the bedroom with my girlfriend.
We changed into our pyjamas, and layed in bed.I could hear my friend and hers having sex in the next room, it was very loud and very graphic. Me on the other hand, I was laying in this hotel room bed, with my girlfriend next to me, who was cuddling me and propositioning similar activites. I asked her not to have sex in this room, as I felt it was a cliche and we were better than that. The truth was though I could bring myself to sleeping with her, my mind was cluttered with thoughts of him and her. It was driving me insane. My love in his arms. My girl and him. I layed there as she fell asleep and I just thought...i was preparing for the worst...

Little did I know what was ahead of me in exactly one weeks time

"Say once more, say it again, Is this the end of all i know?" I ask myself that everyday. I know that even with a small text message I feel so much, maybe the medicine will help me overcome this affliction. My medicine, the bottle and sound!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Chasing Maggie

“The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.”
- Wendell Berry

One night we got drunk and words started escaping, verbal bullshit we called it. The stories came out. As I went home from that night worried about what that blood from my throat meant i thought back, and my mind spoke to me. The odd thing is I remember telling my friend this...thinking back, this is the only way i can express what happened. In this theory, this theory is called Chasing Maggie.

So there's me and her, and we're all inseparable, right? We were having a few drinks, that turned into a few more. Outside, the wind it blew. Her and I, before seeing her with him again were just big time in love. This was about four or five months down the road As the alcohol consumption continued the the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend, the one i would see her with in the coming weeks.

Men in general all know that the ex-boyfriend questions are a really dumb move. But you know how it is: you don't wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit.

So, anyway, she starts telling me about him... how they fell in love, and how they went out for a few of years, and how they lived together, but she likes me better, she feels more around me, she feels alive with me, im better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... and I'm okay.

But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them to experimate different things. Menage à trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing, i don't want to see the love of my life like this, or hear that she could be shared, as I never could or would. Im Saint shithead sometimes, living in the conservative 1930s, only when it suits me and my judgement of people, that we all swear doesnt exist, but really who are we kidding, everyone judges people. Everyone.

So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like... I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her names, and bring it up in a hurtfull manner everynow and then. And tell her she was used. I'm... I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right? And she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, and tell her, sorry and pretend it doesnt mean anything. I judged her, and the things she did, even after her honesty. In that moment

It was a mistake. I didn't hate her. I wasn't disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like... like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that. Typical male ego with my stubourn icing.
But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was... she was looking for me, for the Love. But, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I've spent every day since then chasing Maggie... so to speak.

Pain is a door, a fever burning for more -Ian Kenny

In the end, if i ever see her again, smilling, happy or whatever, and I say hi, I know in the conversation i will just be some guy she once knew.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Lonely Drop of Wine

Most people have come to prefer certain of life’s experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper. In avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness. My single mates mates, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication, even though it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness as it is all that I have that takes me back to the place I once was. I say to them that when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, lonelyness is all they have as well. My friend Carl found me in a far South Australian pub only last night in the end of my mini tour of NSW cities and countries, he asked me quietly what i was doing as he saw me playing with my old phone. I said to him i was flipping through some photos. Although 30, Carl is still a kid at heart and exercises School boy habits such as his current snatch and run attitude, which is what he did with my phone.

As he ran off he slowed his paced down to a mid doddle and looked back and whispered my name under his breathy in disappointment. He slid my phone shut and came and sat next to me. As he sat down he simply said..."no one knows what feeling you hide, now I know. Is this why you are single and push people away?". I snatched my phone and played it cool, and it took my mind to the Thursday that could have been the defining moment in my relationship. I had seen her and what she was up to. It was up to me to get revenge and be with someone she despised and made her feel insecure. Scary thing is the thought of hurting her or doing anything to risk our relationship made me shaky.

Thursday night is a popular alternative night is Sydney, and this venue we had planned to attend was supposed to be amazing. This first trip there was just me and an old friend, this was before i went there again with my friends Ben, Latisha and Chev a long time later. My friend and I walked in to the night spot and began drinking dancing and you do in Sydney night-clubs, realistically in any night-club. Eventually he was hook, line and sinker on a girl and disappeared to the dark lounges to get to know her better. I was left with her group of friends who where ex models and fashion designers. This is the night I met the girl from Australia's next top model. She was a skinny, tall blonde girl with amazing eyes and a self confidence level i was unaware of before this night. She caught my attention in an odd way and in knew i wanted to talk to her. Not to hit on her or try anything, she just seemed real interesting.

After introducing myself we spoke about many things. She had a great sense of humour and a great taste in music. Her friends would enter the conversation on and off, and they always had a very appropriate and quirky remark or input. We agreed on most things, she was a minor TV celebrity and i was a minor music celebrity, so we knew similar fads,similar or the same people and laughed about horrible trends in the fashion culture surrounding us. As time beckoned we began to drift towards a more personal range of topics such as sexual preferences, past experiences/partners and preferences. We were very similar, and somewhat compatible. The night began to end and my friends wanted to leave so I wished her a good night and gave her a kiss on the cheek, offered good-byes to her friends and followed my friend downstairs to leave the building.

As i entered the stairwell I heard my name in the distance. My friend pointed out that he heard it too, as we both stopped. She came rushing down the stairs we had already travelled on and grabbed my hand as she gently pushed me towards the white cement rendered wall. She firmly held me against the wall and told me she really liked me and she was kick herself if she didn't kiss me as she leaned in to motion her lips towards mine.

I knew this was a wrong step to make, as I would only be stooping down to my girlfriends' level, as she was kissing her ex boyfriend that morning. I gently placed a finger on the tip of her nose as she motioned towards my face and told her that I Couldn't kiss her. She got somewhat upset and asked why I couldn't, and I explained to her that I was raised to never kiss a drunk girl, because it was disrespectful to women. She giggled and asked to look at my phone. I passed her my phone and she simply typed her number in and showed me what she saved it under. She told me I that i had to call her, no exceptions. I told her would in the near future.

I did not kiss her, which opened my eyes to the fact that my girl was the one for me, I wouldn't cheat on her, id give her the benefit of the doubt and Id have her forever. The next day she was working during the day and i had University, so we would meet at night or Saturday at some point. I coughed after my typing her the last message about Friday and Saturday, I looked in my hand and saw black blood from my throat....


Friday, October 16, 2009

Flowers in December (Sep 08)

How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here...waiting for you.

Taking every breath with you,
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
I gave you every part of me,
Now i pretend to be something to help you fall.

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Baby we shared the laughter and the pain,
And shared the tears, why was I to blame?
You're the only one who really new me at all

So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space.
There's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face.
Take a look at me now
take a look at your empty space,
You coming back to me is against the odds,
and that's just what i've gotta face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry.
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons that answer why.

Take a look at me now,
I'm just standing here.
And you coming back to me,
Is against the odds.
And that's a chance I've got to face
Its an amazing place.

So take a look at me now
Before I let you down again
I just want to see you in your eyes
I would have taken everything out on you
I only thought you could understand

They say everyman goes blind in his heart,
And they say everybody steals somebody's heart away
And I got nothing more to say about it,
Nothing more than the feeling i need to stay.

Send me your flowers, in december
Send me your dreams, of your candy wine
I got just one thing I can't give you,
Just one more thing of mine.

They say everyman goes blind in his heart
They say everybody steals somebody's heart away
And I've been wondering why you let me down,
And I been taking it all for granted every day.

one more question.
for one more kiss.
one more forever,
it could be bliss.

( Thursday 22nd October, 2009 7pm UNIBAR

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Not enough Rope.

I sat in my car and thought to myself that I need to shake off the "why's" and the "what if's" and rid myself of confusion. Whatever was - is in the past. Whatever is. That’s what's important. The past is a brief reflection, and the future is yet to be realized. Even after all our mistakes and ups and downs I am excited to know that i simply dont know. It's scary to think that if only a few small things changed, the whole future would be different. Instead of sitting in my room alone wondering if I will ever meet someone like her again, with one small difference in our story she could be laying next to me asleep while I mark homework or type out reports for my students.

It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. If we could llife would be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, she did make mistakes, yes I made mistakes. And yes, we did have bad days - but as long as we let the past go, we could have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of us. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. I always say grab hold of it, but what if you can't?

Seeing her with him left me no rop. I lost it. Simply just lost it. I should have taken my friends' advice and instead I sent her abusive messages, awaiting a reply. I did not recieve a reply to my messages until the next day. What kind of conclusion would you draw if you saw the girl you loved with another man, and your attempts to contact her were unsuccessful. Whoever you are, you cannot help but think of the worst case scenario. So what does one do when there is a 24hour gap between communication. The messages in her return communication stated that she had not seen him. Again another lie. My mind was thiking the worst. I prepared to have my heart handed to me. I started to prepare and make people aware of the situation, well not the actual facts but the fact that we were on the way out, because thats what I thought her actions meant.
I went out that was a Thursday...

"Im circling every thought, my reason has awoken.
Lost buried in my fears, the overwhelming taste of sweet bitter tears.
Deafening are my thoughts, The one thing that I know is where im coming from.
Given the chance to fly, take hold of me
Coz im sorry, im still sorry
Im still learning to give you away"

Voice they pass me BE CONTINUED
Maggie, Thursday 22nd OCTOBER:::Ministry of Sound Presents: BANGGANG & MikiMash. 7:30 UNIBaR. He will be alone, and looking into the crowd again....I know I will see nothing....but it doesnt hurt to dream x

Sunday, October 11, 2009


"The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller
Seeing her killed me. It really did. This was one of the hardest things that ive ever had to experience. In a way it was karma for what i put her through when we were young. The questions in my mind kept building up regarding why this was happening. More questions about us. More and more I felt myself slowly slipping into insanity.

Was she with him because he is a better person than me? Was it my eyes playing tricks? The questions were blinding and heartbreaking. My friend and i returned to his car and i told him i was feeling quite ill and wished to go home. He knew I was lying because he had known me for most of my life, and I miss him these days, but that's another story in itself. He rescued me always, I know if he was here he would rescue me yet again. All my other friends offer me the surface value "lets have fun" persona without ever saying "wonder why this...or that", but this lonelyness is best for me. I built the walls up so high, i can barely see where they start and end.

These lonely bitter days I spend torturing myself with selfless decisions and no empathy due to lack of meaning. It's been gone for over a year, how does one regain this? It's impossible. Some things leave us for good, we just have to be glad we experienced them. I knew my friend was always able to open my eyes. We got tattoos which signified a friendship bond; the word 'always'. Whenever we fought he would message me 'we are brothers, remember ALWAYS", and no matter what the fight was about we would just be fine and move on.

On this particular day afte being dropped off at home I waited for him to leave and got my keys, wallet and phone and drove to the pier in Shellharbour. The place where she and I had our first date. For me that pier not only serves as a significant moment of her and my love, but a conversation which I will never forget between me and my best mate.

This conversation opened my eyes. The scary thing is I had completely forgoten to include this conversation in my story up until right now. I am sitting on the pier, it is 2:44am Monday morning, 11degress celcius and I was copying and editing an entry from my memoirs when the conversation popped into my head like a mothers' nagging voice when you know you are doing something she warned you not to.

I remember this conversation word for word. This was it:
ME: Hello
HIM: Hey...what happened...tell me the truth!
ME: Dont really want to talk about it.
HIM: I know you too well, just tell me, were brothers. BROTHERS. I tell you everything, remember, no secrets
ME: When we were at the shops I saw her there...with her Ex.
HIM: Oh shit.
ME: Yep...she kissed him.
HIM: Are you okay?
ME: I dont know what to do..
HIM: Listen to me, you listening?
ME: Yeh Im listening..
HIM: Remember how last week you guys had an arguement about how she wanted to watch Sex and the City but you are always watching Scrubs when she comes over?
ME: Yeh but we dont really..
HIM:Just hear me out!
ME: OKay Okay..sorry!
HIM: Well you are real fun to be around, when it's something you want to do.
ME: What do you mean?
HIM: Name the last band we saw live?
ME: Umm... we went to the Vool show.
HIM: Okay now name the last time we went and saw a singer or band I wanted to see.
ME: umm...Wait what are you saying?
HIM: Well we all know that you are fun, and when we hang we all have a blast. But when a person doesn't want to do what you want to do then that's their bad luck.
ME: Thats bullshit..ive done heaps of things I didnt want to do!
HIM: Mate, its true, and it's fine it's who you are. I know that. She knows that and your mum knows that.
ME: Whats this got to do with her seeing him?
HIM: Im just saying dont point the finger and act stubourn straight away. THINK! She always does what you want to do, as do we. Everybody thinks that youare their friend, okay. But the fact of the matter is, that there is not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough that they could hurt you. Her BIG problem is that you really like her. She is the one girl that you really like. That you probably love. No matter what she does and no matter how hard she tries you never let your guard down. Don't blame her, without knowing why she is doing what she is doing, because it could be your fault. In my eyes, that poor girl doesn't really stand a chance, and if you care, you will call and find out what is going on. Play it smart not silly.
ME: might be right.
HIM: I am right, come to mine and have some beers and we can watch a DVD. It will cool you down.
ME: Okay Ill see you soon.

On the way to his house I did something silly that i should regret.


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Laughter for your tears...

I'm sorry for the demon I've become,
You should be sorry for the angel you are not.
I apologise for cruel things I did,
But I don't regret one single word I said.

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared?
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you'd fall
I'm so sorry but I never cared at all.

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away pretend that none of this was real

You are the best i know,
Who can pretend so much.
One of my biggest fears,
Became my happiness.
The only smile I hid,
was buried in your tears.

Could you blame me for chasing you?
I confused the things you said for true.
I apologise for love I inflicted,
You deserve the life we all predicted.

( This was written after all this story had ended, quite recently. Sometimes people need to stop and ask themselves; "do i really need this in my life?" "Do i deserve being lied to and played over and over again?" The scariest thing about this, is that now I see how blind i was, and can pretend that none of this was real. How can you have respect for someone that can never offer you a straight answer? A person that so many people warn you about, their own friends, your own friends, people that they work can you trust that person? Sometimes things have a funny way of working themselves out, so that you are saved from more harm. We always said fate brought us together at the wrong time. I think fate brought this story together to teach me a valuable lesson and establish an understanding about denial and the idea of people's self perception they hold, or self efficacy.

In the end, i am always right.-Flaw )

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Through the shop window

I always believed that it is better to be told a hurtful truth than to be told a comforting lie. In the end, the truth will make its way out and will hurt much more than it ever had to. The sad thing is i always believed her, even up until recently, and even though my eyes saw things I did not want them to see.

Our love blossomed in an amazing fashion. I failed to ever get sick of seeing her, and when she wasn't around I would look at the pictures of us in my phone. She began to get involved in my life alot more. I got offered to host a swimsuit contest and accepted the offer as I enjoyed being on stage and adored holding a microphone. She promised to come and watch me present the show, and I still recall how perfect it felt to have her eyes meet mine in a crowded room. The people dissapeared, like they always did. She was my perfect kin and I knew it, i was performing for her. I was surrounded by half naked girls but she was the pretiest in the room. In my breaks i would run down and sneak in a few close moments in which i held her as we mocked the silly answers the models gave to the questions. We were lovers that weaved souls and by-standers could see it. It was the rarest feeling in the world.

As the show ended I thanked the team and motioned towards her where she was located at the end of the runway with a sparkle in her eye destined for me. The looks we exchanged that night show me that love exists in this world, it is a God-like phenomenon. You can't see it or prove it's existance but when you feel it inside your heart, you question how you have lasted the length of your life, prior to this gift, without it. We fooled around a little that night, snapping a few happy moments, one of me licking her face, which to us was a clear piece of evidence that we refered to as a portrait that totally defined "us".

We went to my home that night and i held her for hours on end. I put Scrubs on in the background to create noise and a distraction for possible viewing. We did not watch any of it, we spent the night talking and slipping away into moments where we would just get lost in each other's stare. She was the missing piece in the puzzle and having her here completed the complication that was my life. That night I looked in her eyes and saw a 40 year old version of her in my mind, kids downstairs, talking about work, and being the same as this moment. Many guys my age would be scared of by such a thought, but the feeling was surreal. I did not see this ending, I did not want it to, i never have and i can honestly say I never will. This night was perfect, but every now and then the thought that her ex boyfriend was visiting her kept popping into my head. I could try everything to keep him away but I trusted her, she even promised me she told him not to stay over, as the original plan included him sleeping at her home as he had no where to stay. A story i consumed rapidly due to the trust i had in her.

Eventually the day/night he was visiting arrived. I promised her I had found something to occupy myself. I was at a close friends house who asked me to go to the local Woolworths with him to get some snacks as we were spending the night watching DVD's in his garage. She and my friend lived in a close viscinity of each other, she wasn't aware I was with him. We drove to Woolworths and he and I were mucking around in the car park, we were in our 20's but we still acted like we were 16 years old again, its one thing i loved about out our friendship.

He walked towards Woolworths and I went in to the local DVD store. I was flicking through various titles searching for older classically hilarious films to have a few beers to and have a laugh. As i looked up my eyes spotted her familiar face. There she was my love. There he was with her, her ex boyfriend, entering her car. In clear view I could see them as my heartpace increased. They both wound down their windows as her lit cigarettes for them both. I watched and felt my chest hurting, hoping I see nothing more. He motions towards her as he passed her a cigarette from his mouth. His face moved towards hers. I felt sick.

He began to kiss her on the lips. I dropped the DVD in my hand, i stood there, silent. I was frozen. I was lost.

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy." -Richard Bach

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Text Me Candy

"Trying to forget someone you love
is like trying to remember
someone you never knew" Mother Theresa

How far would you go if she is your Cinderella but you are not her Prince Charming? The scariest part of love is someone not returning it. The entry below this was the truth, and all i will do is continue to tell this story as it is.
A message in my mobile phone read as follows, again word for word. The bittersweet turth is all i have left. It will be all i have to give. Here's the most recent instalment:

MESSAGE: 22/09/09
> I dont want a msg back. I dont want to ever hear from you again. I just need to say that I can't believe that you would ever stoop that low. Telling the world about my darkest secret n not being very discreet....So thank you for making me feel like garbage n stirring it all up again.
Really appreciate your sensitivity to the subject. You trully are scum...

In all honesty this is not revenge, it was simply an instalment of honesty. I have no fear of hurting her feelings, as she had made mine evaporate with time. The blog will continue with the honesty, and all secrets will be unveiled, past and present. This, as stated from the beginning is a confession. Not a retalliation.

Also, Sandi, remember. He may just be scared by the hold love might have over him. Sometimes love scares people to act as though someone else. It is truly frustrating, it makes you want to shake them and make them wake up. What more can we offer them? Who else can we be? You ask yourself what it is about YOU that you can change or alter so they just love you, but it's not you. Its them. If they can proffess their love once, give your their body and just be yours, then why does anything have to ever change? Usually it is temptation offered, or just the fear of love and the possibility of you being the one, or vice versa. Forever was the most craved for and warm word anyone could offer, now if feels more like a curse. People will say move on, forget him, just go with it. But all i will say is live the pain it's causing you, because if it really is the end, this longing is the real love. That drowning sorrow and slow bitter realisation is bliss. Flaw

Monday, September 21, 2009


Have you ever been in love?
It is confusing isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Ever wonder why that is? That uncontrollable feeling that makes you think one day, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I acting like this. Things taste different, places look grey without them and life just doesnt even flow smoothly. I know why this happens. It is simple.

Love takes hostages.

It gets inside you. It hollows you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love, and even more i hate how I, the person who never let love in, the person who does not even let people touch him without having an internal monologue screaming "it's nearly over, nearly over" and so on...

The turns our love were taking were a slow wearing out process, however, when we felt broken and torn apart, we would meet up to talk about it and our eyes would meet again, and we would realise that we were silly. This, like the last small seperation was sorted out and I apologised because i was 'being rude' for sitting there quietly. Sorting things out was always amazing, because even though our relationship was a challenge, the growth in our love and the ability to reconcile after fights or misunderstandings was a clear sign that we were motioning in the right direction.

As time passed, our relationship collected moments like a beautiful romantic film. A perfect moment that stood out for me was when i visited her at her work, and spoke to an old guy there who told me about his snakes and how much he hated Bill Gates. Hilarious! He was a very funny old local man, and he entertained me while my girl worked. We had lunch together from a great little old fish and chip shop accross the road from her work. We sat in the pub's beer garden and everything seemed perfect until the 'warning' came which threw the next spanner in the works.

She worked in a small pub, on the outskirts of Wollongong. It was a job that she acquired for the sole purpose of no stress, no responsibilities and a chance to find her feet after her ordeal at Ayers Rock.
She moved to Uluru to work in hospitality. She felt she needed to find herself and grow comfortable with being alone in a remote area, away from her ex boyfriend, family and friends. She worked there for three months before feeling the overwhelming result of a one night stand, which brought her back home. fragile and longing for the experience to be forgotten. Finding me she told me of this ordeal on the first night when we rekindled our relationship, she summed up the experience and what she went through, and how hollow she felt because of it. I did not mind, i did not judge her for a split moment, all I hoped to do was to take the pain away by showing her there was a plathera of reasons to move on and allow the pain to evaporate. Together we were moving towards feeling like that her ordeal was a nightmare, or just a bad daydream. She often brought it up though, and very odd times, especially whilst intoxicated. It brought drama and was often used towards me as a reminder of why she did not want commitment.

The sad thing i have come to realise is that she moved from a sixteen year old who thrived on closeness and turned into a twenty two year old who dwells on drama and 'what if's', not taking a chance for me, with me. Maybe i am not worth it. Maybe she did not love me the way i loved her. Maybe her ex boyfriend was still in the picture. All these thoughts were surrounding me.

The fights started begining again since her ex was coming back into the picture. That visit at her work, and the casual 'warning she gave me was that her ex boyfriend was going to visit her at her family home, where she was staying, and that i was supposed to be completely allright with him "staying over and sleeping in the spare bedroom/couch". Mind you this was the same girl who used to get angry at girls talking to me on myspace or facebook! This was the first time i caught her lying to me about him. The heartbreaking thing was, i made a conscious effort to be understanding and give her the benefit of the doubt, what my eyes saw began tearing away at my heart...lies upon lies. Up until this piece of writing she does not know what i saw and where i was. I was there when...

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'” Charles Schultz

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Doubting Thomas

I'll show you the door when you've decided to hold on to all that you've lost.
You see, all this is nothing when she comes and tears you apart.
Of course, all this is nothing if you hold the key to her heart.
I told you I am your saviour and your truth.
When you get down on the floor,
I will steal the soul from you if there is no truth.
Let's end this lie tonight.

When the thirteenth apostle is knocking at my door,
a new sun is rising in the east. Did I tell you that?
It's true. So sing thorughout the streets and sing throughout the night.
Go and tell the people my soul is aflight.
Although you might save me from all these emotions that are filling my mind,
all of your healers are still hurting my kind.
I will watch what the rain blows in,
and I will continue to tell people that a climb to the holy land
is a slide to the devil's hand.

Something is going to change these times and I'll watch them fade away.
So if they want to keep me hung on their crosses
they'll have to find some bigger nails.
I will continue to walk these streets like a doubting Thomas
and I'll swear at saints when they pass me by.
Nothing is pure when everything is tainted.
Where am I going to go when I die.
So you see, I'll try to let you go and I'll try very hard to forget.
I don't think my thought will subside, I guess I'm just losing my mind.
I'm walking alone, I'm standing in the sun.
I'm thinking about my life and how it's barely just begun.
I want to run

Friday, September 18, 2009

Fill the Violence

I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life's experiences, bad and good, make you who you are. Erasing any of life's experiences would be a great mistake.

The day had arrived that i had promised her, during our reuniting, that i would travel with her to see her friend in a small village known as Bowral. A place that i expected to see beggars, liars, gypsies and thieves. Instead of what it was, a somewhat stylish cafe town where a Latte was a bleasing and a beer was a curse.

The trip to see her friend was unlike any other, apart from the fact that i had to watch her suck down a few cancer sticks as if as though the smoke breeding from the tobacco was an answer to a question i had never been asked. I tolerated her horrible addiction and was just glad to be in her presence. The trip was fine and everything was running smoothly. I met her friend again, whom i had met the first night she found me again. She was the girl who had the same name as her. They sat there as i blended in to the background quietly, i didn't want to interupt their catching up session, as she said she hadn't seen her in a while. They were talking about people i did not know and places they had worked together. I remained quiet, and i didn't mind, as i had nothing to add to stories they relived from the past.

I played on my phone as they spoke, laughed and smoked. I did not mind in the least, as long as I was there with her, plus i wasn't in a talkative mood as University was really stressful. They began speaking about a party they were organising for the girl's birthday. The two of the spitballed ideas about what to do for her birthday, and who they would invite. They mentioned different places, names and substances they would consume. Fortunatelly for me I was into drinking Alcohol un like these two girls talking about taking pills, speed cocaine and copious amounts of Vodka. To say i was disturbed would be an understatement. I mentally shut down as mapped out an assignment that i had to complete for Uni. I shut their conversation out and just patietly waited until the moment where the conversation would end. The friendship to me seemed like a terribly acted advertisement. To people competing for an answer to "who am I", self efficacy was a minimal worth and hardly even present in these two girls. Merely high school girls trying to impress the footy team.

The conversation ended and she motioned towards me and asked me if i was sure i did not want anything from here, the look she gave me was a threatening and dissapointing stare. I maintained consistency and declined, requesting a stop at a local McDonalds, which she promised me she would. The three of us walked to her car and drove to McDonalds. Her friend left her car there while she joined us in a junk food consumption session. During our time there she hardly spoke to me at all, looking occasionally my way in a dissapointing glance, to ensure i knew she was upset at me. However, little did she know i was very upset at her and her plans to party all over the city with her friend, organised all sorts of recreational activities.

After eating a quick meal we said our goodbyes and dropped her friend off back to her car, as her friend left the car an arguement erupted about how rude i was just sitting there playing on my phone. My counterarguement was reflective of all my future and past arguements with her about not bein included in her life, or invited to an event involving her friends or family. The arguement went back and forth all the way back to my house, until it reached a point where another goodbye was given. Ours. She was sure this was a sign we were not meant to be. So she droppped me off, and sped off without a goodbye or anything. I messaged her some hurtful messages and recieved some harsh responses to them. The next few days would be eye opening.

We were suppoed to spend the night together that night, but we did not and i decided to socialise with some friends towards Kiama, but little to her knowledge there was someone else there. Someone I was not expecting to be there, but she was. The model from the tv show. This was the first of many nights where i should have felt guilt, but i did not.

"Im not sorry about you, im sorry for you"

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Burning Bridges

Locked in a cold room,
and I`m alone waiting to hear from you,
chained to the phone.
Life is a journey, love never lasts that`s what they tell me
but Ive never asked
Just to know you looked away from me,
when I needed you the most
I don`t want to live with out you
I don`t want to die alone
I hope things work out for you.
and Him.

My Angel, my demon.

Rain keeps on falling but only on me
Lost in a winter of your memories
Just to know you walked away from me
when I needed you the most
I don`t want to live with out you
And I don`t want to die alone
I hope this all works for you
My lost little love,
I hope this whole thing works out for you

Confused little Rose...

Today it didn`t hurt as much, I could almost breath, I could almost touch
But still I keep your heart with in my chest
Pain ive known is laid to waste,
Lost in a sun-set thinking of you
Who are you with now? And what did I do?
Just to know you turned away from me
when I needed you the most

Its been a long dark road but i remember when it meant the world ot me,
Its been a long dark day and a cold black night and it still gets hard to see,
Cause tyou dont know me and you never will,
Its been a long dark road i still remember why it took so much out of me,
Its a shallow pond we're swimming in and it makes it hard to breath,
Cause they dont know me and they never will
No they dont know why or how it feels to live, to love and be left.
Its been a long dark road and i rememeber skies that weren't so a hard to see,
its been a long dark day and i remember nights that made me, me
This is it.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Like Rain

Sitting at a pub in a South Coast town called Berry. I was having drinks at this pub on a Friday night to clear my head. In the gambling area i met Raymond, an old man who's wife had passed 8 years ago. He was wearing a grey jumper, clear folding marks down the middle of the chest. The fibres in the jumper were separating from wear and tear. The jumper sat on him like the worlds most comfortable pyjamas. The pale colour matched a slow heartbeat and a heart only left behind to work. He was wearing an old pair of workman's slacks, the rough kind. They were blew with small spots of what seemed like green paint. His shoes also had layers of dirt, paint and were made of brown leather, that looked aged and well worn. He blended in with the old pub atmosphere perfectly. He held on to his beer and avoided eye contacted with other punters as he watched each race, however his stare went beyond the stakes, past the competition. I knew his look, I knew this look! It's the physical act of pretending to do something when you want to be left alone. Your body is deceiving it's audience. He was there, but his mind was somewhere else.

I wondered around the pub and Raymond only got up to get another Schooner of beer. Bar tenders seemed to know he didn't engage in conversations and they served him with minimal conversations. My eyes were fixated on the football game. I was internally cheering on my favourite football team; St George Illawarra Dragons as they played the Cronulla Sharks in what would see them loose again in this season. The majority of the pub was cheering on the Sharks, hence why my support was internal. I was watching the game in the opposite corner of the pub, close to the bar. I was drifting in and out of thought, and was in fact no different to Raymond, that was probably why i noticed his stare. This night was the night before i received her text message since we had a fight. So all i really wanted to do was be alone, in a place where i knew no one and i could drink, think and be ignored. This was a prefect place for me to feel the withering emotion she offered me. I had not heard from her since valentines day night, little did i know in 24 hours from tonight she would send me that text message.

I felt a person sit next to me at the bar, the corner of my eye saw a grey jumper sleeve holding a schooner glass, half empty without foam and warm looking. I turned slowly and he looked at me as though his eyes were screaming. "Gday" I said. "Hey buddy, whose winning" he replied in a crackled voice that sounded dusty and rarely used. "Ummm, Sharks, typical because im going for the dragons!" He giggled at my reply and said; "Mate don't say that too loud, in this place you can support three teams, dogs, eels and sharks, anything else then you bring attention to yourself!" He let out a warm smile and extended his hand as he motioned for a hand shake, "Raymond" he said. I shook his hand firmly, his hands rough like sand paper and dried up leather as I told him my name. We spoke during the game as my team lost with a poor excuse of an A-Grade game.
Towards the end of the night he began sharing more as the beer flow increased. He spoke of his wife, and showed me photos. He told me about how amazing she was and that he knew he got his shot at love, and she was it. Raymond knew he could never love again. She was everything to him. His dream when they met was to get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Unfortunately for them. she was unable to have children, a cancer that would later take her life and ultimately steal her from Raymond. He told me about his Mum and Dad telling him to leave her and find someone who can have children as he was the only son in their family, and they wished for his name to be carried on, nothing they said could stop his love. He said they never had a single fight, they lived everyday to the fullest and in love.

At one point he began talking to me in questions, and seemed as though this was a series of thoughts that had conquered his happiness and heart. He said: "Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. I know there was a reason i met her. A reason we lived the pain, we lived the happiness and we lived the dreams."

I told Raymond about her, and he told me to fight for her love. If i feel so much, then there is so much to loose by not fighting for it. I told him i felt that my heart was taken her, broken by her and now it is in pieces because of her!
He simply looked at me and told me something that will have me telling this story to people until i die. In a simple and heartfelt voice Raymond put his hand on my shoulder and said "Mate, Love is like falling down... in the end you're left hurt, scarred, and with a memory of it forever. Without falling down though, you would never know it was possible."

Her message stopped me in my steps. I dropped to my knees and allowed tears to leave my face. It said she cant sleep, she cannot eat, she cant do anything without thinking of me. She said she wanted to work things out but take it slow and see where it takes us. She needs alot of 'her' time and she cant see herself doing that without 'us' time as well.

She asked me to ring her after she finished work to talk, and i did. We talked about the highs and lows, we argued a little because were both stubborn and she took my breath away with each challenge she laid down for me. Listening to her on the phone just made me think about holding her. Having her cute hands linked to mine. She asked me if i was free that night, and we organised to see a beautiful girlie movie called 'Definitely Maybe'.

Our date was picture perfect, it was as though nothing was wrong. We had rekindled the love again without a hitch. Raymond's words still ringing in the back of my mind i held her until am that night. She placed her head under my neck and i held her right hand with my left, fingers weaved within mine, and my right arm hugging her and running my fingers up and down her back.

She decided to leave before the sun came up because she had work the next day, and then she asked me to join her on a road trip to visit one of her best friends. This girl lived down the coast, and they had met through working together. I agreed to go not knowing what it would mean....

Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I dont have....

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The voice inside

She locked away your heart,
Filled it up with concrete.
Took away your dreams,
Dreams only bring you sorrow.
Listen to your mind
no need to talk around
our life is going down
i hate the way you make me feel
dont want to chase after you
cant take it anymore
no more.
Saw you walk out the door
I lied to myself saying,
i don't need you
i don't want you

dont want to lose my self in the look in your eyes
just want to be free from your lies
cant wait till you leave from now on ill be free
i will redeem myself and listen to no one else
i will find myself and not lose it agin
i will lose this broken soul and gain a new
and prove to you that i don't need you
-By Lee-Sol: emailed to me about this blog. Thank you for your support, and reading. -The Flawed one

I felt i could see her, even though the pain was tremendous.
I was sitting in my room dressed in black pale as white cold as death all my hopes drift by like dark dreams. I look up
at my own eyes. They resemble black mirros of the day as my willpower allows a crimson tear to fall down my face.I sit alone thinking how only one sentence got me here, after waiting for what seemed my whole life, I thought today would be a bright new day, with her. Instead it is a new day, without her, without us. I imagined when I asked for forever I would be making her happy, not giving her reasons to be without me. Maybe i was worng? Maybe i did not judge her feelings correctly. I rarely second guess my feelings, I rarely feel confused about feeling. How can i be wrong about what is inside of me? How can i misunderstand all the things she said? Was she lying? I looked at myself, and judged my withering reflection as though an inner monologue was judging me in tattered words made for destruction and built poetically to make the pain greater. How can such a confusion colour my eyes? I heard the voice speaking.

He felt as though he posessed a harmful mouth but can't open it. It's been sewn shut by the lies of others. He blonks to release more water. He blinks his marble black eyes as he stands up but has no movement real to a memory, rather a drift from one place to another. He touches his cheek he has a mouth a nose and eyes, he sees they are there. He imagines them falling off his face. Happines sprouts from his misery. Spiders surround him as memories and design a picture of the obvious. The tears grow rapidly and they too turn into spiders. Their legs quickly sprout and start to crawl all over the mirros, weaving between the glass. He puts his hand on the refelction, his cheek, his eyes. He notes his fingers have no nails so they bleed and leave murderous streeks down his cheek the blood falls to the floor on a white tiles, he watches the drops with his eyes. He's eyes regain a realistic focus and he looks back up to see an empty bathroom. His face is normal, the spiders have vanished. The drops of blood have moved, his hands are as he remembers them. This cruel fantasy that grew for the moment disturbed him. Shaken, he begins to think he needs to snap out of this. He has to move on.

He begins walking downstairs, skateboard in his right hand, bandana tightly weaved through his left hand, a distant beeping weaves into his single frames of thought. It is the message tone he assigned to her. He drops his skateboard, he clenches his bandana and runs to his room from where the sound has travelled from. He raises his phone and slides the screen to unlock it. The message long but straight to the point says something he didnt expect, he sees a tear leaving his face and meeting the phone in the distance. He wipes the tear from the screen and reads on. He drops to his knees as the message clearly speaks to him....

"Like a flower we live to bloom some flowers are brighter then others some are frail too but remember a flower loses its pedals like any other flower". -Me